Yesterday morning I posted Wednesday's blog (Day 91), and I am now posting Thursday's blog (Day 92). Last night the thoughts, praises and gratitude were there, always there regardless of what may attempt to steal my joy, but I just could not bring myself to open the program and share my heart. Some things are too personal, meant only for God's ears and heart.
He knows our thoughts, our hopes, our dreams for tomorrow, but He wants our sight to be set on Him alone other than things of this earth, even other people. I have shared with you about the jealous love of my Abba. I can talk to Him about anything I want or say nothing at all, as He already knows the thoughts and feelings I hold. He sees my disappointments, my weakness and strength. He has given me such great compassion for others and passion for hungry souls on foreign soil and in the hidden places within my homeland and its indigenous people.
Standing atop the mountain I can gaze for miles over a great expanse of earth and people, and my heart smiles, because I am home. It's not the place I call home as much as the feeling of families and cultures who receive me as their own. It's God's love calling out to me names, showing me their faces, and transforming my life into who I am meant to become for His purpose.
Yet on a personal level my heart aches so for someone to hear me, to listen to what I don't say, to accept me as I am without trying to change me into what they need. I want to feel worth something instead of being the one who always has to make the efforts. I may appear strong, but I am not. I might show leadership qualities, but I don't want to lead. I want to quietly blend into the masses, doing the best I can to help mold the lives of the hopeless into the faithful; the helpless into the bold.
Inwardly I struggle. Another holiday, the most beautiful season of love pouring out promise for any who would accept His grace, His sacrifice of love. Yet, regardless of the thoughts that threaten my peace, I hear His voice lifting me up, the beautiful melody of a song He's given me. In spite of any loneliness I feel in this season, and regardless of what I have lost, I still dance and sing and leap for joy with praises on my lips! Because He lives, I live. Because He lives, I can face tomorrow, fear gone. There is no pit too deep, nor grave just turned that makes me doubt His love for me or the one who is laid to rest. Not seeing, I know. Not touching, I feel. My spirit still soars on the wings of His amazing love!
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