Day 119 - As Opposing Winds Blow

 

It is often questionable why people react the way they do. Responses are interesting. One moment - excited daring - adventuresome. The next cowering in the corner of a secluded hamlet, deep within a dense forest surrounded by astounding vegetation, meadows of wild flowers of every conceivable color and variety, amidst mountain grandeur. Cowering, yet surrounded by majesty! What a contradiction!

Such is the human mind.

Sunday afternoon I was bursting to share the wonderful things confirmed to me by God, or should I say, re-confirmed to me as the vision has remained the same yet slowly revolving, the mystery unraveling. Then the inevitable pain of another encounter with evil brought the reality of my life as it now exists crashing to my feet. It's not that I doubt God's ability to fulfill what He has in store for me, as frightening as that can be to a person so isolated and alone. No, not that. It's attitudes of others, those closest to you, yet furthest away. Their reactions to heartfelt moments of transparency - pouring out the soul, that disappoint and break my heart a little more deeply. Letting me know, yes, you are definitely alone. Even the person who deserves to be more does not understand and does not "see."

I live in a world where God is all I know, and all I want to know. My compassion for others knows no bounds. This is my present day mission field, yet I so miss my children, the one here, the ones there, and the ones yonder.

My heart aches for souls who cannot grasp the freedom of a life hidden in Christ. A life that,  yes, can be very isolating, introspective, and in opposition to the ones of those we love. It is hard to be different, looked at like you are a freak, because regardless of what happens you have this assurance that all will turn out well in the end, regardless of how long that "end" may be or how it may be played out. People think just because a person dies after so many pray that God did not hear their fervent prayers. I can assure You He hears, and He responds. You feel betrayed when the answer that comes is not the answer you seek. He says, "Will I find faith when I return?"

A life of intercessory prayer is a solitary one, seeing beyond the surface of a finite life - looking into the windows of the soul, daring to understand the torment of that soul - prayer for the release, deliverance, victory. To be able to approach a person so tormented by a past life of desperation, degradation and offer the keys to a prison door. Did I think I would not be challenged by the opposing side?

The threats always come when I am most vulnerable, oddly, yet not really so strange. I am least vulnerable when I am in great pain, such as now. These are the times I see more clearly the hearts of another, and it is a time I can pray the most intensely, honest prayers. God sees all, knows all, so why fear honesty.

My vulnerability is my great desire to do His will - having a heart so open to ridicule of others who cannot understand, because they only know me as one who was always different, head in the clouds, a dreamer, one who hung out with underdogs or old people; who spent her Sunday afternoons after faithful church attendance either laying on a rock in the woods reading or upstairs in the attic alone reading on a rainy day. Climbing trees, traipsing through the woods on one her great adventures, or lost in the imagination of other worlds. Yet, she was loved, admired, befriended by all, even the unsavory, because she was who she was, whatever that meant. That's not a bad definition of "different," is it? That legacy has followed to this day of my life. Some appreciate the difference, others think my faith in God is a crutch, a lapse of common sense, or that it should be separate from reality. To me there is no difference. I am who I am, because He is who He is. And I thank Him for then and now. I am not alone.

Blogs of late have been incoherent, often in left field - a place I also go to escape the truth of certainties. A thing I need to do but have no idea how to do it. So I seek "wisdom," advice from others I dare to trust after a life of disappointment, abandonment, and rejection, in short, dis-trust...only to be further confused, isolated, and alone in the natural world. It would be simpler to take the seemingly easy road out, yet it would be a life of compromise and much worse, it would be wrong to accept a kindness without reciprocation.

So...here I am - on my day off - with opposing thoughts and mind wanderings - yet one thing for certain I know - I know in Whom I have believed, and I am still persuaded that He is able to keep that which I have committed to Him. He is my beloved Lord and Guide. My Comforter and Strength. I will put my trust in Him...regardless.

Day 118 - My Day - What's the Point?

Today I traveled to Las Vegas, New Mexico with a fellow laborer, ate at my favorite gluten free restaurant, talked too much, became aware of way more than I bargained, and drifted into oblivion until I decided enough was enough.

I know that doesn't make much sense to the discerning individual, but then my life is not something to be "discerned."

I am grateful for a decent day, with surprise middles, and subtle endings. All that means is the day started out on an even keel, then surprisingly got better, after the aggravating muddle of a middle, and eased to lazy close of day. I love talking in riddles. A skill I gleaned from a brother-in-law who never said one thing straight on.  In fact I found him quite nonsensical and down right irritating at times. He's one of those people you often want to smack some sense into. Since I'm in one of my mood swings I thought it fitting to sway a bit more his way than mine. Nice close of day.

I anxiously await the dawn of a new day and a fresh perspective.

Day 117 - Contentment

"Tomorrow's joy is fathered by today's acceptance.

Acceptance of what, at least for the moment, 

you cannot alter."

Max Lucado God Came Near

 I  have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.

Philippians 4:11

I don't always post a "name" or "category" for my daily gratitude, as I believe by reading one can surmise my intention. Yet, I am learning, about myself at least, that it is not the case for everyone. I have been struggling again with pain. Ironically, this accident occurred in the same month as my fall and subsequent fracture last year. Perhaps God is trying to tell me something. Nonetheless, God is using me still, regardless of the fact that it is difficult to move. Kind of amusing because I have to drive many miles weekly, requiring I get into and out of a vehicle. Even therapy is a bit uncomfortable, to say the least, and I feel worse after the "fix." But, things could be worse.

Today was an uneventful day, but it was not necessarily as productive as I had hoped. Even though I was in the home office all day, it seems I can never quite make a dent in the pile of papers I have to process.  Oh well, life goes on, even for the perfectionist. Tomorrow I go off to yet another meeting, a four hour round trip for an hour and a half meeting. So much for making a dent tomorrow. Still I am going to ride with a friend, so that apart, hopefully, will be relaxing and introspective, as we ride over the river and through the woods to our destination.

So thank You, Lord for the little distractions in life, whether it be viewing your wonderful world through a car window or riding over hills and dales. 

Day 116 - Thank You for Hope - Every Village for Christ

 

 Africa

 

 India

Pygmies villages

Mayan Indians

Ghettos in the United States

Slums worldwide

Hope for a nation. Hope for a world.

 

How beautiful on the mountains

are the feet of those who bring good news,

who proclaim peace,

who bring good tidings,

who proclaim salvation,

who say to Zion,

“Your God reigns!”

Isaiah 52:7

Day 115 - Sweet Abandon

Laughter is indeed good medicine, and I try to take a hefty dose of it daily. Even though it brings tears to the eyes when life is a bit too much to swallow, still the rewards are worth the taste!  I know God must have a wonderful sense of humor, and He is profound in all His ways. No one could ever know what He has in store for those who put their trust in Him.

Why do we fear? What makes it so hard to believe in a God who loves us so much?  What further proof could we possibly need that is greater than allowing His one and only son to die so we can live? The other thing is what is our response to this act of bravery, for taking our place? How do we show Him how grateful we are?

The answer lies in the response. Christ's death was for the purpose of ransoming lost souls from the clutches of the Great Liar. Why would anyone want to be in that loser's service?! I know I don't. He's a sly one, that enemy, and he has ways of getting a stronghold in our lives, unknowingly, or less recognizably. He's a hard tax master. He shows no compassion. Yet so many choose his empty promises and walk away from the only One who is true to His word. The One who holds your oaths paid.

Please don't hold out on the best decision you can make in your lives. The gift of life is an eternal gift, and the Master will hold you close for all of eternity. He's worth the risk. Trust Him.

Sweet Abandon...

 

Day 114 - Classified Ad

 

"Wanted: People with a heart loyal to God. No age limit. Experience not necessary. Educational background immaterial. Physical limitations no problem. Open to anyone, regardless of race, color, sex, or national origin. Equal opportunity employer. No mandatory retirement age."

Our Daily Walk

Application below:

 

 

 

Day 113 - Taffy Pull

Wednesday night I had a hard time getting to sleep, as my mind was too busy thinking about things I cannot control. Thursday night I fell asleep once my head hit the pillow! Yet I continued to be in a "taffy pull" where I felt that I was being drawn and quartered. More literally I feel like my heart is broken, and I'm not sure this time whether it can be restored.

 

Still, in faith, I struggle to my feet, daring to trust once more in the goodness of mankind. Although my life is small, it is not insignificant, and I don't like being made to feel not good enough, because I don't measure up to someone's standard of who I should be or where my values lie. My faith is strong, and my focus is clear. I'm not asking for anything, except the right to live as I am able and as I feel I should. Why is it so hard for some people not to judge?!

Day 112 - All Praise to Our God and King - Hallelujah!

"Since we fight for the liberty to worship,

should we not make more use of that liberty?"

Our Daily Walk Bible - April 21

Solomon has at long last completed the tremendous undertaking of building the Temple of the Lord as his father, David, had longed to do himself. Following in his father David's example Solomon humbly kneels "with hands outstretched to heaven," and offers a prayer of praise and dedication to God. With these words he prays,

"O Lord, you have said that you would live in a thick cloud of darkness. Now I have built a glorious Temple for you, a place where you can live forever!" Then the king turned around to the entire community of Israel standing before him and gave this blessing: "Praise the Lord, the God of Israel, who has kept the promise he made to my father, David. For he told my father, 'From the day I brought my people out of the land of Egypt, I have never chosen a city among any of the tribes of Israel as the place where a Temple should be built to honor my name. Nor have I chosen a king to lead my people Israel. But now I have chosen Jerusalem as the place for my name to be honored, and I have chosen David to be king over my people Israel.'"  (2 Chronicles 6:1-6)

"If your people go out where you send them to fight their enemies,, and if they pray to you by turning toward this city you have chosen and toward this Temple I have built to honor your name, then hear their prayers from heaven and uphold their cause. If they sin against you - and who has never sinned? - you might become angry with them and let their enemies conquer them and take them captive to a foreign land far away or near. But in that land of exile, they might turn to you in repentance and pray 'We have sinned, done evil and acted wickedly.' If they turn to you with their whole heart and soul in the land of their captivity and pray toward the land you gave to their ancestors - toward this city you have chosen, and toward this Temple I have built to honor your name - then hear their prayers and their petitions from heaven where you live, and uphold their cause. Forgive  your people who have sinned against you. O my God, may your eyes be open and your ears attentive to all the prayers made to you in this place."  (2 Chronicles 6:34-46)

After the dedication of the Temple and the prayers of thanksgiving and praise, God later appeared to Solomon one night and said,

"I have heard your prayer and have chosen this Temple as the place for making sacrifices. At times I might shut up the heavens so that no rain falls, or command grasshoppers to devour your crops, or send plagues among you. Then, if my people who are called by my name will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sins and restore their land." (2 Chronicles 7:12-14)

Today in our most desperate time in this nation we cry out to God for solutions, wisdom and guidance, peace and harmony among all people, and healing for our land. But how many of us pray for forgiveness for the part we play in the devastation, and how many kneel before our God offering prayers of repentance for our nation, of which we are a part? The sin does not solely reside in Washington DC or in the capitals of this vast world.  It concerns each one of us who call ourselves children of God. Just in those days of captivity we are called to prayer for our nation and our world. We are called to humbly approach the throne of grace and mercy, seeking forgiveness, asking for restoration in our lives and in the life of our nation, a nation called "a nation under God." 

The Word of God is as true today as it was in the days of old, and as His followers we need to hear the words of the Lord spoken to Solomon in response to his prayer. We have been engrafted into the Vine, and we are His, a chosen people, a royal priesthood. Not only do we seek forgiveness, but we should be offering prayers of praise, worshipping His Holy Name, thanking Him for ALL He has done for us.

Look around yourselves, what do you see? What is our response to the crime, the atrocities, the obscene lifestyles, and the abuse, neglect, and abandonment of our own families? Who are we kidding when we think anything is permissible, because God will forgive us? Do we think God doesn't see? Do you think He is beyond feelings? Do you think it doesn't break His heart?  Well it does! I cannot tell you how many times I have broken my BEST FRIEND's heart. And that breaks my own heart, because my one desire in my life is to serve Him, praise Him, and bring honor and glory to His name.  I don't desire riches or fame.  I am His, and that is more than I could ever ask for or deserve.

Please, people of God, rather than trying to help God by thinking up ways on your own to build your own church, build your own prosperity, educate your children to follow your dreams, first consider humbling yourselves before God, as is our freedom, right, and privilege, and seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, then all these thing will be given unto you. He will show you the path in which you are to go. He will open the doors of opportunity. And if we humbly repent of our sins of omission, desiring only that "thy will be done on earth as it is in Heaven, then we will hear from God.

As an intercessor my heart is breaking for what breaks His. If He can use me after all I have done to dishonor Him in my life, He can do great and mighty things in yours. We all sin and fall short of His glory every day, unconsciously. I am just a little more aware of it and the nudging of Holy Spirit, my gentle Reminder and Comforter. I want to see our land healed, but it takes all of us, and the very first response is prayer, praise, and worship. 

I was reminded in my reading today that there is one thing God desires from us that He is incapable of providing for Himself. He wants our praise, our response of gratitude and worship for the goodness and blessings He has provided. We all want to be appreciated, and God should be the first One who receives our appreciation, our gratitude and thanksgivings of praise. He longs for your love today. It is my prayer that we will all stop and reflect on these words offered in praise by King David,

"Give thanks to the Lord and proclaim his greatness. Let the whole world know what he has done. Sing to him; yes, sing his praises. Tell everyone about his wonderful deeds. Exult in his holy name; rejoice, you who worship the Lord. Search for the Lord and for his strength; continually seek Him." (1 Chronicles 16:8-11)

"He is the Lord our God. His justice is seen throughout the land. Remember his covernant forever - the commitment he made to a thousand generations." (1 Chronicles 16:14-15)

"Let the whole earth sing to the Lord! Each day prolaim the good news that he saves. Publish his glorious deeds among the nations. Tell everyone about the amazing things he does. Great is the Lord! He is most worthy of praise!" (1 Chronicles 16:23:25)

"O nations of the world, recognize the Lord, recognize that the Lord is glorious and strong. Give to the Lord the glory he deserves! Bring  your offering and come into his presence. Worship the Lord in all his holy splendor. Let all the earth tremble before him. The world stands firm and cannot be shaken. Let the heavens be glad, and the earth rejoice! Tell all the nations, 'The Lord reigns!'" (1 Chronicles 16:28-31)

 

Day 111 - Our Call, His Heart

 

  The wonderful people who work with me as part of the Northern Team have times where we meet together to have lunch and work on problems and solutions to our continuously changing processes in serving the precious people of northern New Mexico. We are the largest area with the most diversity of people groups including some areas, as in the area I live, where there is a higher concentration of higher risk needs spread over a larger, more rural area requiring long days of travel. Our work is very challenging, to say the least, but it also very rewarding.  

At these meeting concerns are voiced, but we always leave happier for being able to get together, enjoy the fellowship and company of each other, knowing that we can rely upon each other should we need support. I appreciate my leadership, because although they become as downtrodden and overwhelmed as we do at times, they do not push us, because they know how hard we all work and the dedication we have in seeing the people served. 

As Christians we always need to be mindful of Whom we are truly serving as we serve others, and we need to have hearts of gratitude for what we do have, what God has provided in the way of jobs, income and opportunities. Our leaders make it a point to help us reflect on positive things that have happened, sharing stories of victories achieved on behalf of a client, small or larger successes. And always, always we share with each other about what we are grateful. For me, I praise God that in our little team, we have a fine young man, as well as several beautiful women of God, who desire to serve Him by serving others. I know that puts a smile on His face, and ours as well.

The days are long and difficult, but the rewards are great and meaningful. To see one person encouraged, strengthened, overcoming great odds, is a blessing beyond comparison.   So in closing I offer up this prayer on behalf of our team:

"Thank You, Lord God, for allowing us the privilege of serving Your people. Continue to humble us and transform our character into the image of Christ Jesus as we reach out to a world in need. May we always keep our eyes on You and not on circumstances that cloud our vision, failures which undermine our credibility, or concerns about under achievement. Let us feel Your presence, knowing You love us and are guiding us each step of the way, every day. I praise You for Your counsel and guidance, for Your long-suffering when we grumble and complain. Help us to keep our eyes on You and to trust You as we do our best to bring You praise and glory in everything we do. Amen."

Bringing smiles to the face of the lonely...

 Sharing friendship, love, and compassion...

Being an example and bringing hope...

 

In humility, and service to man, giving honor, praise and glory to Him....!

 

Day 110 - David's Prayer of Praise

 

David was a man after God's own heart, and because he always put God first in his life, he succeeded in everything he did. When God told David that he couldn't build the temple, because he was a man of war, David accepted the news with humility and praise. Listen to the words David spoke to Solomon in 1 Chronicles 28:9-10:

"And Solomon, my son, learn to know the God of your ancestors intimately.

Worship and serve him with your whole heart and a willing mind. For the

Lord sees every heart and knows every plan and thought. If you seek him,

you will find him. But if you forsake him he will reject you forever. So take

this seriously. The Lord has chosen you to build a Temple as his sanctuary.

Be strong, and do the work."

I remember when we first visited my husband's home in New Mexico. It was always important for him to ask his father to bless us before we left for home. After his father's death the blessing fell to his mother as the matriarch of the family. My children were grown when we divorced, but I pray that in his new life, as he picks up the pieces of his broken life, that God will remind him of the days when He was first in his life, and he will begin to pass along the generational transfer of pronouncing God's blessings on sons and daughters who in turn will become fathers and mothers, and so the tradition continues.

As I am continuing my study with Frances Frangipane, I listened to a tape by Lou Engle who discussed the importance of this practice. He calls us all to the task of finding sons and daughters whom we can bless, and in doing so, pray that the double portion of blessing will be given to them, just as Elisha received the double portion from Elijah. I know that the seeds that I planted from childhood are now beginning to blossom. I thank God for the privilege of being able to witness this wonderful transformation.

 

 

After the people of Israel had brought offerings wholeheartedly to the Lord, David, filled with joy, praised the Lord in the presence of the entire assembly by saying:

"O Lord, the God of our ancestor Israel, may you be praised forever and ever! Yours, O Lord, is the greatness, the power, the glory, the victory, and the majesty. Everything in the heavens and on earth is yours, O Lord, and this is your kingdom. We adore you as the one who is over all things. Wealth and honor come from you alone, for you rule over everything. Power and might are in your hand, and at your discretion people are made great and given strength.

O our God, we thank you and praise your glorious name! But who am I, and who are my people, that we could give anything to you? Everything we have has come from you, and we give you only what you first gave us! We are here for only a moment, visitors and strangers in the land as our ancestors were before us. Our days on earth are like a passing shadow, gone so soon without a trace.

O Lord our God, even this material we have gathered to build a Temple to honor your holy name comes from you! It all belongs to you! I know, my God, that you examine our hearts and rejoice when you find integrity there. You know I have done all this with good motives, and I have watched  your people offer their gifts willingly and joyously.

O Lord, the God of our ancestors Abraham, Isaac, and Israel, make your people always want to obey you. See to it that their love for you never changes. Give my son Solomon the wholehearted desire to obey all your commands, laws, and decrees, and to do everything necessary to build this Temple, for which I have made these preparations."

1 Chronicles 29:10 - 19

 

Imagine what would happen if we each prayed in such humility, offering thanksgiving to our God each day! Praise would rock the house! Revival would come, and God's will would be done on earth, as it is in Heaven!

 

 

Day 109 - So Grateful I'm His

The grip of pain is finally relenting, yet symptoms of my dis - ease are surfacing within my soul producing other problematic situations physically. I guess the enemy wants to discourage, cripple, maim, or otherwise get me out of his way, but I'm too set in my ways as a warrior to become so easily beguiled. Putting on the armor of God, standing my ground, protecting my turf, battling his lies. He cannot have what is not his, spiritually speaking, so "I'm here for the long haul.  Give it your best shot, because I'm not going anywhere! I'm in your face to stay!"

Yesterday I spoke my heart, as I am known to do, so as not to be hindered in taking another step of faith - a virtual leap! Abandoned more than once and left to fend for myself with my face in the mud and the life sucked out of me, the marrow of trust leached from my bones. And yet, not so, because God cares enough to pull me out of any situation that seeks to destroy His creation, His workmanship. I'm not anyone's property to cast aside to reap destruction. I am His and His alone. I am a child of the One True God and bride to the Holy Bridegroom.This transient life holds no sway over me as I rest in His embrace.

Over the past two weeks I have been privileged to speak to quite a few people whom I seldom see or have seen only once face to face but have known for years. Others are ones I see all the time, but because of my excessive workload and personal difficulties I have not been as social as I normally am. I've been busy listening, and I have the pain to thank for giving me focus in my personal life and soul searching for my future. Some of the best words spoken to me spiritually about myself or others  have been during times of intense physical anguish. Hearing the still small voice often comes with physical pain for me unfortunately, but these are amazing times that have purified me for his purpose or at least mad a painful beginning to the process.

Pain helps me direct my gaze on Him and on others, putting my "self" aside and directing my prayers where they are needed. Surprisingly not so much my release as for others who suffer unfathomable pain of body, soul, and spirit. Those who are being plunged into a life of lies, hate, envy, and abject misery. But God is calling them out, revealing the truth, exposing the hidden places in their hearts that have held them captive, prisoners for life, slavery to fear. I'm on my knees, not for myself but for you! Do you hear Him calling your name? Do you know He loves you with a jealous love so powerful that He can do what seems impossible to you or me. The great Intercessor is bidding you to come, wooing you by His love. He uses those who are willing to stand with you, those who understand your needs. He's here waiting to help you make the journey to His kingdom, His island of misfit toys, where you will be fashioned expressly by the hand of the Master Designer for His divine purpose.There you will find the life He has destined for you to live in Him, for Him, and by Him.

I am in the second session of In Christ's Image, and frankly the lessons this term are a bit tough for me, not in obtaining knowledge to get a passing score, but in the heart rendering the lessons evoke. We are discussing ministry gifts now, and I am suddenly aware...light bulb on experience..duh!...that the dreams and visions I have been given over a period of many years have been growing and are about to be "birthed" if I persevere. The island of misfit toys was not a new concept, but rather, it was something God showed me 30 - 40 years ago. I just didn't see it as clearly. And the same, recurrent dreams have been shown to me more times than I can remember. I think I needed to come to this point in my life where my focus on God superseded any other desire of my heart. As long as I can remember back in my childhood my heart has been inclined to God's word.

Interestingly enough since God talked me into this Bible study I lead in my home, reminding me of The Sermon on the Mount, prompting me to pull The Ragamuffin Gospel off the dusty shelf, and even using In Christ Image curriculum as confirmation, I have been loaded down with things that normally would not effect me, but are now overwhelming me to the point of destroying my physical health and emotional well-being. But I know intuitively that the battle comes from the enemy of my soul, and as I reiterate here again, he is wasting his time on me. Stubbornness can go a long way in a spiritual battle.

The series about ministry gifts in the In Christ's Image course disturbs me, because God has been reminding me of things He has spoken to me over the years. The vision remains the same, so if it is not going to be His way, which is the only way, then I need to re-direct my thoughts. But believe me when I say to you that this is a mega dream, and the scope of the ministries involved threatens or intimidates some, and even I am intimidated thinking "how can this be? And yet, He's God...He can do whatever He wants to do and with whomever He want. All He asks of me is trust and obedience. Is that so hard? Apparently so, as I find myself running away at times. But I'm not here for personal gain or glory, merely as a conduit of God's love, mercy and grace. Something is about to happen so I am beginning to feel encouraged, yet at the same time so afraid. I don't want to mess this up, but I don't want to miss my life.

Knowing there's more pain ahead is somewhat deterring. I mean haven't I had enough? Well, how can I object when the end is all that matters. The ending is really worth the wait...for all of us who understand of what I speak. My heart is so full of inexpressible wonder knowing something I said made sense to one of my children. He heard me when I shared my heart all those years ago, and now his life is beginning to have new meaning, new purpose. And more importantly he saw me, and he learned from watching me stand back up and fight for my life. He's settling down, he's not as angry, and he's content on waiting things out. I wish others could see his soul, the heart that's beating to know You more, Lord. Your love and faithfulness is beyond my imagining. I know we are encircled by Your love, guarded by Your angelic charges who guard the Shepherd's fold. Aside from your allowing it, he can never touch me.

"The person who forgets the language of gratitude

can never be on speaking terms with happiness."

Our Daily Walk

Post 108 - Thinking Things Over

 

Saturday should be a day of rest and relaxation, doing things that make you feel energized and silly mixed into one! Today wasn't a total blitz for me, but I really didn't accomplish things I needed or wanted to do, but I did do one thing that I should have done a long time ago.  I made a phone call, and I spoke honestly about things that were important to me. I relieved some pent up stress, and hopefully this will lead to reduced pain and inflammation in my body.  I think that when we internalize feelings eventually our health suffers, and this is where I am at the moment.  I am in pain, and I need relief!

 

I hadn't planned on writing much today, as my inspiration has been a bit slow.  Not that I don't have loads to say and much to share about things that are important to me or things God is teaching me as I walk through the fires and floods of life, I'm just not ready to share. When I am there will be no way of stopping me. Right now I need some time to mentally decompress, and I need to make some decisions.  Today I made another step towards settling the matter of the "blasted house!"  That makes two steps forward...or backwards....depending on one's perspective. I needed peace, and as my friend Ralph says, it begins with me.

 

When you're trying to make sense out of things it's good to begin with the one basic truth you know about who you are and what you want out of life. People have expectations, and to be honest, I don't do well with that word...expectations, that is. It rubs me the same way hearing the words, "I have my own agenda" does, and that's not a warm fuzzy feeling I am describing.

So the one thing I know about myself is I want to be free. This can mean several things, but to me it means happy to be who I am, doing what I feel God wants me to do, without being made to feel guilty or ashamed, because I am not allowing myself to be roped into doing something I simply do not want to do. It is living my life doing things that give hope to others, encouragement when they're down and out, laughter to make the heart strong, compassion and understanding in times when others judge. Loving people even when they are unlovable. That's what makes me happy. I don't need "things" to light my fire, I only need to be accepted for who I am, because I like myself.

 

I cannot remember a day in my life when I didn't love God. I always wanted to be around people who taught me about my best friend. I thank God for my childhood, as I was surrounded by people who not only taught me about God's love, but they demonstrated it in the way they lived their lives. Actions speak more loudly than words, ya know. I was talking to my son about that the other day. Our lives are on display. 

 

Sometimes when I'm talking to God, going over my day or not wanting to start my day I go through much of what's in the above image. but I find myself telling Him that I am so tired, and more than once I've found myself thinking or saying out loud, "I guess you're tired of hearing me say I'm tired, right God?" Then I have to admit that I'm pretty tired of  hearing those words come from my mouth. Who isn't tired of something, right?  So then after a good laugh at myself, and feeling like God's laughing too, I'm better, and I can go on a bit longer with courage.

 

It's okay to be different, and it's definitely okay to live of life where what God's says matters. My son shared with me about a decision he had made in his life, and then he quoted my own words, words I'd spoken to him many, many years ago. It was a proud moment, a humbling one, to realize that training him to walk in the ways of the Lord, speaking words of life were ones he remembered and was applying in his life. This is why I trust God with my children's welfare, regardless of what I don't see or when I don't hear from them. God told me this would happen, and I am so blessed to be alive at this time seeing seeds I planted in a tender heart grow into fruit being shared with others.

 

I hope if there's one thing in my life I can do for another person is to give them hope, encourage them to love, to live life not afraid of what another person may think or do. No matter if you're judged by others, considered to be impractical, making poor decisions because that person doesn't understand who you are called be or hold the same values in life as you. As I shared today, releasing feelings long held inside that were crushing me, paralyzing me from making a decision, any decision, I felt free. So now I wait for the next step, and I'll make another decision, another step. Focusing on one step at a time, one day at a time, one moment at a time, because this is my life.

 

I've learned to become patient over the years. Sometimes it may not seem that way, especially when I need an answer on the job, but that's different from my personal life. And I wouldn't say I am ever really impatient, just tired of avoidable delays that effect lives. That's part of who I am, and I'm honored to stand for what is right, good, and true. I have a huge family I'm trying to look after here in my little area of the universe, so I think it's okay to be passionate when it comes to people's lives and welfare. 

As I've shared before I have come to love New Mexico, and I have so many people who have become friends and family. I am so at peace in the beauty of the land surrounding this amazing place. Nothing helps to calm a person as breathing in the beauty of God's handiwork. Abiquiu is one of the most beautiful areas near me, and I love spending quiet times there, collecting my thoughts, dreaming, making plans. It's a bit of heaven really. Naturally, I long to share my special places with people I care about, who say they care about me. How can you say you love someone when you haven't even experienced the life they live, or visited their favorite places. Maybe my idea of love is different, but I ache to share this land I call home with everyone. It truly is a rare and beautiful place in my eyes, and the thought of leaving it makes me sad. I still have so much to do here.

Here I am alone, but I'm never alone. Standing strong, learning to rely on God as my strength has been my way of life, and I've never really felt afraid, and I never want to. In Him I am strong, and sometimes that intimidates people. But I'm a person just like anyone else, with feelings just like you, so give me space, just know I have needs, I'm fragile.

 

 

Day 107 - Thank God for Friends

Friday blessings - sharing a meal with a friend after a long, difficult week. After finishing up with a late afternoon meeting I decided to pick up a couple of tacos and tamales and head over to my friend's house for supper and sharing.  We both have "arduous" jobs, so it's nice to relax, breathe, let go of the tension and enjoy. So that's what we did for a couple of hours yesterday. I'm still having quite a bit of pain, so sitting still for any amount of time is not pleasant, but I did it, because I needed it.  Some things are worth the sacrifice!

Day 106 - God's Grace is Sufficient

For a week now I have been having intense back and abdominal pain in the left quadrant. I am reminded that last year at this time I was also suffering following a fall and resulting in a fracture and muscle tear. Perhaps I am meant to see something in this pattern of suffering. Nonetheless in spite of my extreme misery I am attempting to persevere.  It is by God's grace and strength and the prayers of others that I am able to do so, and for which I am humbly grateful.  Praise God and thank you for your prayers.

Day 105 - Sheep Know

Don't you love it when you write something or pray about a certain thing, then God sends confirmation of that very thing right to your doorstep, or in my case, email?  I was sharing with my good friend earlier this morning that decisions I make in life have to come from God's leading, not necessarily what someone else may think is the path I should take.  I even said that I would know when He is speaking to me, because He says "my sheep know my voice."  Immediately, after sending that email, I continue to check my mail, and I receive KLOVE's encouraging word of the day,

Today's Bible Verse

"just as my Father knows me and I know the Father. So I sacrifice my life for the sheep."

John 10:15 NLT

Provided by: New Living Translation

 

I'd say that is a great encouragement for today!

 

The remainder of the day was spent chasing doctors, but regardless of recommendations that come our way, we continue to trust God and stand on His promises. Man's wisdom cannot hold a candle to God's infinite wisdom.  He's been taking care of me for almost 65 years, so I think it is a pretty safe bet that He will continue to care for my needs until He's ready to take me home to heaven to be with Him. What a glorious day that will be when I behold the face of the One who loved me and died for me. Amazing grace!

 

Day 104 - Relief

 

Today has been a long day. In fact I am well into tomorrow at this writing. I was able to complete most of my work from Monday and today, so Thursday I can start off once more with yet more fun! I have a headache, and I am ready to find my pillow.

Tomorrow is my day off - yeh! with the exception that I am off to Santa Fe for not so fun times. So much for a day off! Still in everything we can always find something to be "glad" about. I sound like Pollyanna!

So I am ending today which is actually tomorrow...with this word.  Thank you, Lord, that I made it through my day with minimal wear and tear on the old brain.  Please teach me to endure trials a bit more gracefully. Amen.