April 27 Happy Birthday and God Bless the Next Step of the Way!

What does it take to mend the heart of a broken person? How many times does one have to hear the words "I love you," or "I care about your life," or especially, "I am your friend," to really allow the words to take root in their heart and grow to the point of freedom? Freedom comes with a huge price. If you don't believe it, look at the life of Jesus, who paid the total price for each of our lives. And if we dare to follow in His footsteps the price will be costly. I hate it when someone tells me, "God wants you to be happy!" Obviously, the person making the statement has never read and understood the Word of God. It never says that any more than it says, "God helps those who help themselves," or "God never gives you more than you can handle." In fact every person who has said those words to me, I have asked them to show me the scripture. You can guess the response to my boldness. I recently read an article about this very thing, and it reconfirmed to me once again that God would never say things like that. Face it...if we could "help ourselves" we wouldn't need a Savior. If we were meant to be happy, we wouldn't have hardships, sickness, death. We'd be puppets on a string dancing to the jig of another tune. Frankly, I prefer dancing to the sounds of  Amazing Grace, Awesome God, El Shaddai, or Oceans. They speak honestly to our need and the support we have available through our Father who loves us so much. All He asks for is our love and obedience, for us to prefer Him.

Reading through the Bible each year also reminds me that God always makes a way for us, and He helps us, as long as we follow His ways, the right and moral ways. When Gideon was hiding in the wine press from his enemies threshing wheat, the Angel of the Lord's Armies of Heaven greeted him by saying, "Mighty hero, the Lord is with you!" He said that to a man cowering from his enemy, hiding his grain from the big, bad Midianites. If you know the story found in Judges 6 God does use Gideon in a profound way to deliver the people of Israel from the enemy. This is how it works...not by our puny power or might, as we simply do not have it. Without God on our side, we fail miserably. Personally, I need God living inside of me and through me to exist in this world today. I have always needed Him, and guess what! He never fails, gives up on you, or abandons you, as humans often do. I know much about abandonment and loss, but I stand here today strong in the power of the Lord and His might. There is no other life for me, strange as that may be for some to understand or even accept. He is truly my all in all.

At this writing I am visiting my younger son, Daniel, in Virginia. Today is his 40th birthday, and he is about to receive a very "large" gift. I hope one day he fully understands the true price, not in dollars and cents, but in sacrifice of another kind. It's not a gift given by human hands or ability, it is a gift given solely by the grace of a Heavenly Father who loves him so much that He is offering him a place of service. Years ago God opened up the windows of heaven and gave me a vision that is so huge it defies my understanding of how He expects lowly little me to begin. Over the days here I have been sharing bits and pieces with Daniel, things so personal that I feel he needs to understand concerning the vision and who is part of it. He, like me, understands all too well, given current family situations, that fulfillment of any part of this vision will require an act of God, as all human efforts to effect change to date have failed. So, step one began yesterday as I met with my brother and sister, and step two begins today, as we complete some necessary steps before my imminent return to New Mexico.

All I want for my life and for my children is to live the life God has planned for us since before time began. I do believe as does Daniel that God does have a plan for our lives. Even if we detour from the path, as I have shared openly with you before in previous blogs, God is faithful in His love to turn it back around in ways one could never imagine. How well I know it, and it brings a smile to my face to think of my amazing journey thus far. But I share with you also that I become apprehensive at times if I allow myself to dwell on it, because the way ahead is unclear. This is why I have developed the habit of only allowing myself to think on each day's tasks, rather than attempt to plan ahead, because I don't know how to look ahead! Of course, in my work life I have to plan ahead, schedule appointments, follow up tasks, and such, but in my personal life I can only function on a day-to-day basis. Having multiple head trauma helped me get to this point, so please, don't let it go that far for you who are reading. Matthew 7: 22-34 guides us along the path of trust in God, and it is well worth the application. In fact read the entire Sermon on the Mount beginning in Chapter 5. It is a passage of scripture I return to often to keep my focus clear.

If you have followed my blogs you know that I find great clarity and truth in the lives of Rich Mullins and Brennan Manning. Last night Daniel agreed to watch the story of  Rich's life in the movie, Ragamuffin, that also introduces Brennan.  He admitted to me later that he was hesitant to watch a "Christian" movie, but he was pleasantly surprised to find that his life, like those of Rich and Brennan, are very similar in attitude, thoughts, and responses to others. Perhaps, not so much in humility...yet! But he was blessed, and he plans to add it to his "collection" as opposed to his "obsessions." That story is for another time. Point is, God did a work, and, as in each of us, it is a work in progress (Philippians 1:6). But going back to the first statement I made, brokenness and realizing our true need, is not an easy "fix." I know this as do many of you who are reading these words. But He can fix us, because if we can believe anything about the Bible, we can believe these words, "For God so loved that He gave...!" and He continues to give, and give, and give again. So right now, rather than continue to struggle and fall down, alone in this life, take the hand that is extended to you and dare to believe that "Yes, Jesus loves YOU!"

I leave you with this thought from the life of another of my friends who started her call late in life which gives me hope and proves age is irrelevant, there is only faith and trust:

Now I return to my home for the present time, and I wait, and I watch, and I "be!"

Abba, Sovereign God

I was just re-reading my post of 2/21/16 Sunday Musing about the cost required from one who serves the Lord wholeheartedly. Since that day when I penned that post my life has been more chaotic than usual, with the enemy's arrows flying left and right as I continue to stand my ground. I serve a Sovereign God, a God of the impossible, my Abba Father who supplies all my needs according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus. I count on this wisdom, and I am trying with all my heart to let God be God in the decisions I have to make.

I have not visited with my son for two years, and I want to see him, as well as my older son, whom I have not seen since 2012 when my daddy passed away. Living in New Mexico with my three children and my grandchildren scattered, working a demanding job with relentless hours, often makes my life lonely. I often wonder why God would give me three miracle children whom I raised to know Him for things to be as they are. But then, I don't want to question my Lord, as He sees the bigger picture. Recently, I had to come to the place of understanding that in following His path for my life I may never see my family again. As hard as that sounds I am willing to trust Him and follow His lead whatever the challenges may be. I've lived this long following after Him, so I will not stop now, no matter the cost of discipleship. In order to live I have to die...to self.

Some new things have come my way in the way of health issues, but again, God has carried me this far. I had a work related injury a few weeks ago that may have far reaching consequences, but I have decided to put them on hold until I return from my trip to Virginia to visit with my sons and friends. I have some business to settle, but as I said God already has it figured out, with directions to follow. So Wednesday, in faith, I am boarding my plane, arriving at the airport in Richmond not knowing if anyone will be there to pick me up or if I need to rent a car or hitchhike. I decided I really didn't care, one step at a time. Trusting God is better than worrying about mundane matters.

If anyone is reading this, please pray for me. I really need my Father to speak clearly, so I will know the next step. Ya know, I had asked my son and a friend to do some things for me, and I was getting pretty irritated, because it seems that if I don't take a step, then no one follows. But I realized that if I was going to leave this visit in His capable hands, then I didn't need to make any plans on my own. I simply want to be obedient. So I have been quietly resting in Him, trying to finish up loose ends at work before I head out Tuesday evening to Albuquerque. I do not plan to talk to anyone, unless they call me, so I can keep my focus clear and my face set like a flint.

If there is one thing I know it is Jesus loves me, and I want to follow Him. Criticism, judgment, shame, and guilt are some of the arrows whizzing past my head, but I am ready. I kneel in praise and worship to God my Holy God, the Alpha and Omega, the One who holds my right hand. I put on the breastplate of righteousness, the loin girdle of truth and the shoes of peace.  I fasten on my helmet of salvation, the mind of Christ, and I raise up my shield of faith to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one, all the lies and doubt.  I wield my sword of the spirit, the word of God, and I oil the whole armor with prayer. I have His word en-grafted on my heart from memorizing His promises since childhood, just as I taught my children, so I know, as they do, that He is always with us. It is my prayer that everyone would realize that same truth and stand your ground in faith fully armored with praise on their lips. He is Lord!

Abundant Life

Sometimes I feel like I am at the edge of a great, winding chasm, hidden from the light of day, the only pathway visible is a downward spiral. Other times I find myself winding towards the top of the summit the light so bright, victory obtainable, but then, out of no where, a boulder shoots down the hill, and I find myself rolling down to the bottom. At times I am fortunate, and I grab hold of a branch or rock jutting from the surface, and I am saved from losing total ground. So it seems with this crazy game of life in which I find myself.

In truth we all face battles, but not everyone likes to admit they are fallible, they have shortcomings. All we hear are the bragging victories, but the victories are actually only tangible laurels, and the supposed victor's heart is longing and pain. Loneliness is very common especially when we have crowds all around, laughing, seemingly enjoying every moment of their weak, shallow, unfulfilled lives. All because of fear. Fear of appearing pathetic, fear of losing "friends," fear of what the family will say...fear...fear...fear!

And yet we confess to have a personal walk with Jesus Christ who lived beyond all fear..or rather...in spite of it. Does the price paid at Calvary say anything to us? We are victors through Christ, and we should be living beyond our circumstances. My only desire is to be more like Jesus, and when that becomes a true focus in your life, believe me, it brings sparks of anger to our enemy. So expect it! We will have battles to fight in our lives, it is unavoidable.  The response is where the victory lies. And know this also, it can become very lonely as one by one, friends and family will misunderstand, and your "support" will slowly fade away. But the good news is that there is One who never turns a deaf ear, who is always by your side, and He remains loyal to you ALWAYS!! To me that fact alone is worth whatever else I endure.

My closest friend will be leaving next Friday or shortly thereafter, and the day she packs the U-Haul and drives off will be one of the most difficult days of my life. She is more like a sister to me than a friend, and she and I have stood together through years of tears and laughter, sorrow and pain, gaining and losing. The scripture that says, "A friend sticks closer than a brother." is accurate.  Nonetheless, I can say "see you later" with a smile on my face and in my heart, because I know she's taking the next path on her journey, and it is time. Just as I know my next step will be taken. All I can really do, and keep my sanity, is focus on the here and now, on today, taking it step-by-step, and completing one goal at a time. Life can be hard, but as I look around me all I care to focus on are the countless blessings. Trust me, they are all around!

Tomorrow is Easter, the greatest celebration of the year! Remembering all He has done for us...for me! My cup runneth over! Yesterday I kept hearing the phrase..."Friday's here...but...Sunday is a-coming!" Well, today is Saturday, so one more day!! I'm already celebrating!

To all who visit my blog site...Happy Easter. I hope you experience resurrection life, and live it abundantly!

Resting

"Never give up on your dreams." These are the words I faithfully spout to those who are weary and downtrodden either by lack of confidence or the doubts others have placed on them. How well I know the blow of defeat either of these places presents, but nonetheless I hold on to the promises of my Abba Father in faith even though I see no tangible evidence. The life of faith has never disappointed me.

I began my new year resolved to take certain steps towards gaining my freedom from my self-imposed prison sentence. I set out to take back what the enemy had stolen from me, my purpose very clear, my mind determined. Although March is here and I have accomplished very little due to the chains that hold me down, still I continue on in faith, setting daily goals, and it doesn't matter how few or how little my steps progress I remain fixed on the path ahead. It is written..."Do not despise these small beginnings, for the Lord rejoices to see the work begin...." (Zechariah 4:10) Baby steps can be the most exciting and rewarding of the steps of a journey.

This week brought distressing news from family, a challenging ophthalmologist's report, and the impending loss of my closest friend here in New Mexico as she plans to return home. Makes me wonder what the coming week will present in the way of change. Over the past months I have been detoxing from an overdose of prescribed medication for my thyroid condition, so I have been on an emotional roller coaster of symptoms. Fortunately one of the symptoms was forgetfulness so forgetting to take my medication probably spared my life. Yet, my focus remains distorted in some ways.as I continue on the path of healing.

I find myself wondering again where I belong. I really have no "home" to return, but even still I feel a tug on my heart strings. Yesterday while visiting a friend who has been struggling I encountered a talented artisan lovingly perfecting his craft. As we began to share I remembered the hard times with  little income, bills to pay, and a severely ill child. I shared with my friend how God provided a way to meet my financial obligations through my art, even to the point of bartering for payment of medical bills. The same was true of this man, and we marveled at the sufficiency we have in our Abba Father who loves and cares for our every need. He always makes a way...! And He uses the works of our hands.

I don't know what lies ahead on my journey of faith, but I do trust the promises of the Rock on whom I stand. I have been blessed with an amazing life regardless of my struggles, suffering, and countless new beginnings, and the best part of it is that my trust in God has not changed. He is all I know, and He is all I want to know. As I approach my 66th birthday in August I have some difficult decisions to make. But whatever I decide, I feel peace in my heart that I will make the right decision. I am not afraid, especially of being alone, although at times my heart aches for my losses. Still I know my Father will prove true to His promise for my family even if I never see it for myself. I can rest knowing that.

As I consider the words of Luke 2:19, "But Mary kept all these things, and pondered them in her heart." I remember all the words He's spoken to my heart over the years, and I treasure and hold them closely. I don't need tangible proof, as His words are good enough for me. And the times have come and will continue to threaten the validity of my feelings, but it makes no difference to me. I have been labeled all my life, so words or threats hold no fear to me. I remain resolute in my faith, and I will survive, as I always have, resting in His love.

 

Sunday Musing

"Jesus wept. He wept not for the dead but for the living.

He wept not for the one in the cave of death but

for those in the cave of fear. He wept for those who,

though alive, were dead. He wept for those who,

though free, were prisoners, held captive

by their fear of death."

Max Lucado

Six Hours One Friday

Passivity and apathy are two words I abhor because they denote indifference, and that condition is not for the living, but rather for those who have chosen death over life. To choose to not see and not care simply because one may have to change their way of thinking or acting is not acceptable to me. And yet it is fast becoming the "norm" in our world today.

Being on the front lines daily of what could only be considered a war zone is changing my life for the better. The fact that I have survived this long is a miracle to me, as there are days I am so tired of the battle. Still I train others to hold their ground and not back down, as I aim to do the same until someone listens.

I don't want a single second of my life to be about me. I want my lifestyle to be a reflection of the love of God seeping from every pore. I want to brighten a room when I walk in, bringing life and encouragement. My desire is to carry laughter into homes where oppressive spirits have built strongholds of defeat. I want to kick evil in the butt as it scurries out the door in fear of the authority of Jesus. Imagine what life would be like if we all stood up and faced the enemy with the same tenacity and courage. Personally I am sick of him trying to mess with my family, and I will fight tooth and nail to break down every lying, deceptive spirit that holds my loved ones captive.

Today I was listening to a set of tapes by Francis Frangipane called "War Mode." He has such an easy manner of speaking the truth regarding the condition of our nation and world, beginning with the state of our own. Before we can wage spiritual warfare we first must be willing to examine our own hearts. Since the first of this year I have been readying myself for what comes next, as I know I have a battle ahead of me. Knowing it really doesn't frighten me, because I know God is by my side, and as my friend loves to say, "He is holding my right hand."

I don't want to not know something because it may upset me. Rather, I want to know so I am better equipped to deal with the source of it. Things do happen for a reason, and although I sometimes begin to wonder "what if" I'd never moved to New Mexico, I quickly re-focus on the present, as it serves no purpose to go back in time. Truth is that all these struggles have helped me become the person I am today, and although I still make mistakes, as we all do, I can forgive myself and move on.

It is a lonely life at times, a costly one as well, but it is the place in which I stand today, and tomorrow I will leave in God's most capable hands.

With God...!

 

One thing this year has taught me thus far is that my Abba is not only with me in the dark places, but even in the darker still places where there is no room for speculation, only trust. There can be no mirrors, no reflections, only blind faith.

Waiting is the most difficult place to be, and it seems, at times, as if I have been in that "place" for much of my life, and most certainly have been for the last several years since my daddy's death. The vision never changes, and "players" remain the same. With each new day the need expands to unimaginable proportions, and I begin to feel as if I know how Abraham and Sarah felt in their old age waiting without seeing tangible proof. It is as if I question if His word is not enough, but like Abraham, I can say He has more than proven that He means what He says.

As I kneel before Him in our quiet times together, I pull a promise written on old file card from my personal "promise box" I have had many, many years, and I remember and smile, because His promises never fail.

My children used to tell me I had a goofy smile on my face when I was watching "sappy" movies. Last night as I was watching "When Calls the Heart" on Netflix, I caught a brief glimpse of my reflection in the laptop screen, and I saw indeed the goofy smile across my face. I was smiling, because I knew that with God all things are possible, and that as long as we trust Him, things always work out to those who are called according to His purpose.

This year has already proven to be most arduous in my personal and spiritual walk. They are one in the same, as my only desire is to follow His will for my life. So, as I wait and I stand, I will keep my face like a flint, directed only on what He says is so, not on what these eyes see in the natural or my ears hear to the contrary. I will remain steadfast, knowing He will do what He says He will do, and He will bring me home again. 

Sunday

 

Today has been a good day. Quiet time with Jesus in the morning, crawling up into God's lap. As I read through my Daily Walk I was reminded of worship songs from YWAM days in Virginia, and my heart soared! Memories can be pleasant, and those days were happy ones.

I also spent some time visiting with a new friend I made while traveling to Minnesota to attend my granddaughter, Amanda's wedding. I had planned to make a road trip, and even though sudden changes in  weather have a way of ruining one's plans, God had His own plan. That's the way He is, ya know! Always looking out for us, even when we least expect it.

It's so refreshing to meet a person who can so clearly see into the heart of a another by taking the time to gaze into the eyes while conversing. No pretense. Just truth in the sharing. The eyes truly are the windows of the soul, and they speak volumes if you take the time to "see." By seeing we see, and by hearing we hear. That's simple enough. We shared a delicious, home-cooked meal and enjoyed a great time of fellowship. Suffice it to say I have discovered a true kindred spirit in my new found friend, and I am forever grateful to my loving Abba.

Now I am home enjoying the afternoon with my inanimate family, watching an action packed movie! Life is good!