Day 181 - Conspire to Inspire

"The best way to deal with our past is to hitch up our pants, roll 

up our sleeves, and face it head on. No more buck-passing

or scape-goating. No more glossing over or covering up.

No more games. We need a confrontation with

our Master."

God Came Near

by

Max Lucado

Today I had the privilege of encouraging a rather down and out friend who has so much to offer the world in talent and the love of Christ, but satan tries in every way to discourage. It's important to remember that God can and does changes things, make them good as scripture says, if we are called according to His purpose. His purpose is spreading His love, forgiveness, and grace to the entire world. We will have trials, some pretty heated ones, but He has overcome every one of them already.

Transparency is actually quite freeing. You don't have to tell everyone every detail of your life, but confession is good, and as Max says...we need to be straight with God. He knows everything already!

Whether we want to admit it or not all Christians struggle sometimes, otherwise, we'd be perfect, and we are far from that! It doesn't mean your faith isn't strong...remember Elijah?! It means you're imperfect. Remember Brennan's words about God's love? He loves us as ....we are...not...as we should be...because we will never be as we should be? Yep!  So fess up and stand tall!

I am trying to improve my attitude...and stress level...so I pulled out a bracelet I had purchased a while back, and I gave one to my friend, as she has been going through some disconcerting  challenges.  The bracelet has different words of encouragement - a Stay On Track Tri-Tone Stretch Bracelet, available on Amazon, although I bought mine at Hallmark. I'm thinking of ordering some for others who need a boost.

The words on my bracelet read: Enjoy Life, Relax, Think, Focus, Believe, Be Positive, Breathe, Live Healthy, Inspire, Improve, Have Passion, Learn, Stay Strong, Persevere, Don't Worry, Keep Calm, Reflect, Be Happy, and Embrace Love. Strange thing is that my "Embrace Love" is upside down! Do you think there's a message there?

So I came up with my own little slogan for the day, or better yet for the rest of the year: "Conspire to Inspire." I hope I can remember that the next two days!

Day 180 - Reason to Smile

"Heavenly Father,

Thank You for the opportunity 

to laugh. Help me to find joy in

everything that I do. Let me laugh

and be cheerful, so that those 

around me will be blessed by

my smile and my optimism. Amen."

Kim Boyce

What an inspiring way to begin a day! Here it is Monday, and rather than rue the day, I am thinking about being a blessing to others. This isn't the first time I've felt this way. In fact each morning I praise God, and I pray to be an example of His righteousness. But in recent days and months it has been a struggle to just get through the day.

Regardless of how I may feel, each morning I open my Bible and read the message of the day, plus I also have two other sources of support I lean on. And each morning I get a fresh word from the Lord to encourage, up lift and carry me on His wings of joy. God is faithful, and He is my reason to smile!

You Have made known to me the path of life;

You will fill me with joy in your presence,

with eternal pleasures at Your right hand.

 Psalm 16:11

One good thing about being out and about each day, visiting people, offering help in their times of need also presents opportunities to share the love of God. I know the job is stressful, and often I work ridiculous hours - by choice - but I feel that doing the best job I can do is what God expects of me. Not to the point of killing myself or robbing myself of peace, but knowing I have done all I can, my very best, leaving the rest to God brings great joy.

There is joy in heaven when a tear of sorrow

is shed in the presence of a truly understanding

heart. And heaven will never forget that joy.

Charles Malik

There are times when we need a shoulder to lean on, someone to hear our heart's cries, someone who can just be there when we feel all alone. I know that need, so I try with all that is within me to be a friend to anyone who needs my ear, my heart, my love, and my arms to wrap around them, assuring them that this too shall pass.  It always does, you know, pass, that is. Not always as quickly or in the manner in which we might prefer, but God can make all things beautiful in His time. We just have to believe and trust.

God, who is love - who is, if I may say it this way, made out 

of love - simply cannot help but shed blessing on blessing upon

us. We do not need to beg, for He simply cannot help it!

Hannah Whitall Smith

I just watched a movie about a prodigal son returning home after a sojourn on his own, much like the prodigal spoken of in the Bible. And just like that father who rejoiced when his son returned, this father did likewise. I thank God for second chances, third, and even fourth. He is unlimited in His love and grace. He has such wonderful plans for our lives, if we are only willing to live lives of obedience to Him, trusting that His ways are better and higher.

Day 179 - We Are All The Least of These

 

From time to time I see a movie so horrific, so unjust, that it defies the imagination. Today I saw an o movie made in 2002 called The Magdalene Sisters. It was the story of three young ladies who committed "mortal sins" in the eyes of the deluded Catholic men and women of Ireland. One girl was at a wedding where her "cousin" violated her as she begged him to leave her alone, knocking her to the ground with his hand over her mouth, so she could not scream. The irony of the situation is that when she told a friend about what happened, who informed the priests and other sainted men and her parents, she was banished to this house of horrors to work off her "sins" in a sweat house laundry asylum run by demented, perverted nuns where she was scoffed, further abused, and debased in every way. The man was never corrected, as men are the innocent ones.

Another young girl who lived in an orphanage was merely speaking to some young boys at the gate along with other young girls, but she was singled out as a harlot, and also unjustly sent away to the same cesspool. The third girl committed the "mortal sin" of having a child out of wedlock, which I know even in my day was gruesomely rewarded, but during the earlier years it was even more a shame and reproach.

At the house of penitence a cognitively challenged young girl who had also had a child out of wedlock, but whose sister had taken the child to raise, was made to repent by being made to believe she should perform "acts" of penitence for her priest. Since she was impaired mentally she never doubted the veracity of these actions, but later when an unexpected public event made her realize he was not a man of God after all, she was locked away in a mental asylum, where she eventually died of anorexia. I can only imagine from my knowledge of mental health institutions what atrocities she faced.

According to a story I read, Magdalene asylums, also known as Magdalene laundries, were institutions from the 18th to the late 20th centuries ostensibly to house 'fallen women'.... Asylums operated throughout Europe and North America for much of the nineteenth and well into the twentieth century, the last one closing in 1996." The institutions were named after the Biblical figure Mary Magdalene whom Jesus pardoned of her sins, and she became a very close follower redeemed by His blood and free of all guilt and shame. I think it quite ironic that a woman honored by Jesus, the first one to see Him after His resurrection, would be regarded in such low esteem by nuns and priests devoted to the service of their Lord.

Judgment of others continues to this day under the guise of prophetic ministry. Rather than breeze through the scriptures and pick and choose those that fit personal theology, I much prefer to read the words of Jesus, who on the Sermon of the Mount made His position quite clear.

While speaking to the crowds in the 7th Chapter of Matthew He begins by saying, "Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." Later in the same chapter He continues His message by teaching on the subject of prayer - asking, seeking, knocking, and He ends His thought by saying, "In everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets." Did you notice He said "everything," and did you note what His ending words were?

I am particularly upset not so much by this movie or angry towards a sect, religion or philosophy, rather I am disturbed that still, to this day, up to this moment of time, there are those who are preaching judgment on others. Why is it that people are so determined to point out that the world is going to hell, pointing out "signs" while totally missing the truth Jesus spoke so clearly about His return for a purified church?! According to my reading, my life, and the lives of everyone who has ever lived on this earth and who will live on this earth, we have ALL SINNED and fallen short of the glory of God.

I am not trying to justify anything.  I am simply asking everyone to read the word. God does not want us prophesying judgment. He wants us, in the words of Jesus to go into all the world and make disciples of all men. He wants us to spread the Good News of salvation, forgiveness of sin, deliverance of perverse lifestyles of any nature.  The only way to win a soul is to show compassion for that one regardless of the sin, because belittling, condemning, ridiculing and otherwise screaming does not work. Ask yourself, would it win you if you were not a believer and follower of Jesus? Love, His Love, is the key.

The battle is not against flesh and blood, it is against principalities, powers, evil in high places. The enemy is satan, and the battle is the Lord's. It has already been won. Death has been defeated according to the scriptures, but because satan's time on this earth is not finished we need to expose His lies and defeat Him by praying for each other, not judging. We have given the tools, and He has given us His orders. Hell is a place reserved for satan and his followers who fell from heaven. God is merciful, and He would have no one perish. So pray and stand, armored against the true enemy, rather than your fallen neighbors, because before you came to Christ, you also were in the same place.

"Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers

 and sisters of mine, you did for me."

Matthew 25:40

Day 178 - Renewed

 

God delights in giving good gifts to those who ask.

Matthew 7:7

It is evening, and the skies have been overcast all afternoon, the hope of rain in the air. This has been a lazy day, but one of renewed hope for tomorrow, leaving yesterdays behind. I enjoyed a leisurely morning with Abba, writing in my journal, making plans, and actually looking forward to the day. That's progress! Last night was actually a defining moment, as I shut down early and enjoyed a meal with a friend with good fellowship after a long, hard week for both of us. I think there's dis-ease everywhere, at all work places, as stress takes over and consumes our lives threatening to damage our days off, if we let it. I for one am a bit disgusted with that existence, and if there's a way to do it, I think I may just retire a bit sooner than planned.

Now those who may be reading this blog who are anxious for that day...hold on! This is just "a thought" I am entertaining, but nothing is etched in stone. I am just making plans to make some changes in my life as quickly as I can.

I had an interesting conversation with my younger son, and we have some considerations, possibilities, if you will, in the thinking mode. More to come later.

Waiting is the hardest part of it all. I've been in this waiting phase much of my adult life. As a child I didn't notice much, except what I was focused on at the time. Maturity...well...age...brings more curious fascinations. Change becomes more difficult to grasp and engage, but not all change is bad. Change is good. Getting out of even uncomfortable comfort zones is good...better than good...necessary! My life is not meant to be a stagnate one, rather it is meant to be lived, loved, and enjoyed. And, believe me...I am trying!

Planning my vacation is the next consideration, so I hope I'll have some news soon. Until then, never lose hope, and never stop dreaming the dream!

Day 177 - Shut My Mouth!

 " Let go of your territory for a while. Explore some new reefs. 

Scout some new regions. Much is gained by closing 

your mouth and opening your eyes."

 And The Angels Were Silent

Max Lucado 

Friday at last! Whew! Finally made it through my crazy week. How I prayed for rest, alas...!

I was up and out the door by 8 am headed to Ojo Caliente for a brief morning adventure. The air was much cooler than the previous days, and there was a look of rainfall on the horizon. The ride up north was peaceful and entertaining. I purposed to turn on the radio and K-Love my way to my appointed destination. For the most part it worked, with a few minor skirmishes, but I arrived back home in record time with a smile on my face.

All in all I had a survivable day with only one small angry moment, but it is now "almost" behind me, and my focus renewed. After all tomorrow is another day.

Day 176 - Major Downer turned Upside In

Escape to the field! Hallelujah! I am out of the office headed for cool air and beautiful mountain grandeur! Of course I have that already, but there's something especially wonderful about the approach into Chama, cresting the hill! Breathtaking!

Strangely, the air was so hot, even the breezes, and that's pretty unheard of in that part of the country any time of the year. It was so hot, not humid, as New Mexico is not really used to high humidity or any, for that matter. We do have a tad, but nothing like Virginians or coastal Texans are used to feeling. Nonetheless, it was different, so uncomfortable. Thank the good Lord I have an air conditioner. I spent many years here in the summer with air conditioner and in the cold winters without a heater that worked properly. In fact when I worked in Minnesota for a year the heater was busted, but I survived. I remember when I was a kid we didn't have all these fancy contraptions, yet today everyone is spoiled and soft. Well, I can't really say "all" living here in Northern New Mexico, as I know a few who don't have running water and use an outhouse. Count your blessings!

The day went well, and it ended well. I turned off the computer at a semi-decent hour, as I had some work to finish up prior to the beginning of the next. But all was well, and I surrendered to the night.

Day 175 - At the End of it All

My day off began with praise and thanksgiving for a beautiful day and the beginning of a pleasant repose. It wasn't long before my phones began to ring, but I ignored them as I had to hurry to get to Santa Fe at a decent time, so I could get some fun stuff done. So I showered up, and as I was turning off the radio in the office, the "Cisco phone" began to ring and light up with the red lights announcing important calls. Warning...warning...warning! So, I relented and picked it up....end of a calm morning.

The up part of it all was I was able to encourage someone spiritually prior to hopping in my car and cruising towards the big city. But soon my positive mood was turned sour by an ugly remark by an unkind stranger I encountered in my favorite restaurant while hidden in the corner of the garden, and back I went to my "pit." Interesting how one unlovely, spoiled rich woman can spoil things for others.

I hurried up completing my tasks, and I was soon back home in my "safe place," away from negativism and just plan ugly. The good part is that I didn't remain in that "stuck place" of condemnation, because I was not in the wrong. Someone just wanted a punching bag, and I was in the right place at the right time. I pray for people who enjoy putting others down. So many people lost and in need of a Savior.

But at the end of the day I slept and had good dreams, because I know the One who makes all things new and who vindicates, soothes my wounds, and heals my broken heart.

Day 174 - Riding the Waves

"Huge waves that would frighten an ordinary swimmer produces a

tremendous thrill for the surfer who has ridden them.... The things

we try to avoid and fight against - tribulation, suffering, and

persecution - are the very things that produce abundant joy in us."

Oswald Chambers

Computers are strange beasts...and today that beast has risen up and tried to destroy every ounce of patience I have. I managed to finish what needed to be done, so I can rest peacefully tomorrow, but it was particularly ornery this evening. So glad I didn't send it flying!

Today was a relatively calm day, except for having to juggle calls and computer input. I'm still not certain I added all my calls, after spending so long laboring over that rascal. Still when I return on Thursday, I can start fresh. That's a comforting thought.

I'm still wrestling with my emotions over when I will be able to take a vacation, and if I do where I want or feel a need to go. Decision, decisions, that's always the way it goes.

Day 173 - The Day After

"Be still, and in the quiet moments, 

listen to the voice of your

heavenly Father. His words can

renew your spirit....no one knows you

and your needs like He does."

Janet L Weaver

Sadly, I am still in the overflow of yesterday's emotions. Holidays are always hard for me being so far from my children, plus Father's Day is harder still missing my dad so much. There's so much more I would have liked to ask him.  But that's life and the brevity of time.  Sometimes I wonder how much he really knew about me, but it's pointless to hope at this stage. Just be glad for the times I had that were quality when quantity was not possible.

Today I was out and about up in Chama, and it was surprisingly hot for that area. I happened to run into a friend at the gas station which was an added surprise. I'm thinking about making an escape to Chama one day very soon, so I can ride the railroad, the Cumbres and Toltec Scenic Railroad. In all the years I've lived here I have yet to take that wonderful ride. I think it would be best in autumn when the aspens are in beautiful colors. I'll have to find a friend to drag on my great adventure, but regardless, I can always go alone. Most of the travel I have done has been pretty much on my own, me and my babies when they were little stair steps. The map I posted on Facebook really isn't complete, as I forgot the states before New Hampshire, small but important. My Esquibel relatives used to talk about how wild I was in making pilgrimages alone. All I can say is, we do what we must.

I'm not good at waiting, and I thank God He allowed me the time and means to take these road trips.

I passed through Abiquiu on the way north to Chama, and the rocks are so striking in their many hues of red and bronze. It defies imagination or any definition of beauty. You simply have to see it yourself to appreciate it.

i

I had a great time in Chama mixing with the locals, and watching the tourists go in and out. I think I like the idea of being a tourist.  I've been considering another great adventure involving myself and Ghost Ranch which is located in Abiquiu. Just some thoughts, but I do want to pursue some inquiries.  I need to check out all the possibilities before settling down to the same old things. Change is hard for me, for many people, but sometimes change is a good thing, so maybe I'll throw caution to the wind once more, and chase my dreams. Tonight I was late getting home, so my hard and fast rule to turn off the computer at 6 sharp did not apply, but I was off before 7:30 pm, so that is progress.

Time to catch some zzzzzzzzzzzzz's. I am very tired tonight after being in that dry heat all day. Really sapped my strength...the heat and coming back to tasks. I will not elaborate, but suffice it to say....UGH!!!!

I'm breathing...!  Hope you have a good night's rest.

Day 172b - My Second Thought

 

Today is Father's Day, and it is also my daughter's birthday. Two days that are very hard for me, but each for a different reason. Separated from one through death, the other life.

Tormenting memories have invaded my quiet time and place of safety. Some things needed to be spoken, others perhaps better left unsaid, but still very much on my heart, disturbing me, keeping me from a peaceful afternoon and evening. Laying some things to rest is not easy. Still...!

It's the time of year where I begin to consider visiting my family in Virginia, my younger son actually more than anyone else, and seeing my friends while I am there. Making plans ahead to allow the best use of the time I have while there. It all goes by so quickly...time.  My plans are not panning out as I had initially hoped, so I may be deviating from my usual stay while in Virginia, moving to a different base this visit.  I am thinking of staying in the mountains or at the beach, taking my son with me on a short adventure, if he's interested. If not, then I will see him when I see him, and go from there.

All my life I have put others before myself, even in the type of work I do. I tend to work long hours, working way too long into the night, because I am a voice for those who cannot speak for themselves. I also believe that I am to do the best, most thorough job I can, because my first responsibility is to my God, everything I do as unto Him. This is my goal, the only ambition in life to which I lay hold...honoring Him in all that I do.

There are those who feel my daddy was a difficult man, a hard man, unloving, even cruel. I remember a time when I feared him, but then, God opened my eyes to the person he truly was beneath the exterior. My mother already knew this about him. It's easy for people to believe what they want to believe about a person, without taking the time to really see and understand. I think years of working with people plagued by mental illness of one description or another, as well as dealing with so much in my own life that has altered my ability to mentally focus due to the chemical imbalances from my immune deficiencies as well as the blows to the head, have given me a better perspective of things people endure and the affect they have on a person's capability to function. Sometimes to function at all is a miracle. People who experience these sorts of disabilities understand others so much better and are less judgmental and harsh, more understanding and compassionate. It has nothing to do with one's spiritual position or belief, so please if you're reading this, and think, "If they only trusted God...." stop right there. Because if you've never been through the dark night of the soul, who are you to judge?!

I've encountered some pretty fierce dark nights and even darker days, and I know that the one true constant is God. I also know for a surety that He has my back, and I can trust His word. I know He loves me, although I don't understand why.

I was watching a movie this evening, Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, that gives a glimpse of what's it like to try to see things from someone else's point of view. People, or apes and people in this situation, are not so different in their prejudices, always ready to justify actions, never taking responsibility for themselves, always at odds, because someone always has to be right. Sad. Why can't we just get along? The way it should be, but then, we'll never be as we should be. That's why I'm glad I have a Savior who sees my heart and loves me just as I am.

I miss my daddy. I miss our talks, but I know he loved me, even if he only said it the last few years of his life. That's all that matters. The knowing...!

Day 172 - To Dare To Dream

 

My soul in such turmoil today. So many feelings going through my head, ripping my heart apart. I feel so entangled in clutter and dismay. Sometimes I think I will scream if I cannot escape the nightmare of my present life. I am such a mix of conundrum and irony. Will I ever find the peace I am meant to have in my life?!

I am offered a rare privilege of sharing a life with a wonderful man, who understands in part the restlessness of my soul, but I shy away from promise of a future and love and possible solidity in my life, only to relentlessly continue to wander and wonder...why if?! There is a part of me that wants to say yes to this possibility, yet another so fears that the stagnation it may impose upon my dream may be the utter death of my soul.

What is the answer? What is to be my response?! Until I find the answer will I ever be at peace?

A close friend, a brother, a best friend, asked me if I had asked God His desire for me regarding this man, and all I can say is yes, but no, because maybe I am afraid of God's answer. Maybe His answer is too simple, and I am afraid still.

I do not trust myself to live a life that others dream of having...the house in the country, a white picket fence, the dog, the cat, and other critters, a beautiful garden with a wooded thinking spot with a swing, a place to dream and scheme...a life well-lived, well-loved, blessed by God Himself.

I feel so alone, so I turn to music to calm my spirit.

Verge of a Miracle
by Rich Mullins
 

Clung to a ball that was hung in the sky
Hurled into orbit there you are
Whether you fall down or whether you fly
Seems you can never get too far, someone's waiting
To put wings upon your flightless heart

You're on the verge of a miracle, standing there
Oh you're on the verge of a miracle, just waiting
To be believed in, open your eyes and see
You're on the verge of a miracle

Here in your room where nobody can see
Voices are loud but seldom clear
But beneath the confusion that's running so deep
There is a promise you must hear, the love
That seems so far away is standing very near

You're on the verge of a miracle, standing there
Oh you're on the verge of a miracle, just waiting
To be believed in, open your eyes and see
You're on the verge of a miracle

When you've played out your last chance
And your directions have all been lost
When the roads that you look down are all dead ends
Look up, you could see if you'd just look up

You're on the verge of a miracle, standing there
Oh you're on the verge of a miracle, just waiting
To be believed in, open your eyes and see
You're on the verge of a miracle

Day 171 - Morning Prayers

First thing I want to share two thoughts. First, that although I know that Jesus loves me, it doesn't mean I don't have days where I feel all alone, despairing of life, not wanting to go on. Frankly, although I do know He loves me, loves us all, it is beyond the scope of my imagination why He bothers with me. I continually fail Him, I even spend days when I can't even talk to my own best friend, because I don't know what to say. Strange, because after all He  knows everything! See the irony of that situation!

Secondly, I do trust Him, believe what's He's told me, and I know when someone who comes to me and "speaks a word" has really heard from God. I'm His, and He's mine. He's my Abba, ya know, and every day is Father's Day for Him or should be. Waiting is hard, especially after so many years of watching my family being torn limb from limb, unable to help them, just standing firm in my belief that God will work all things to good, restore the years the locusts have eaten away, and many other promises. I do trust that, but sometimes I need another nudge, another warm embrace.

Generally, after my Bible study, sharing from Rich Mullins' and Brennan Manning's lives I watch the move Ragamuffin again. Rich reminds me so much of myself. I wish I'd known him. Our loss is Heaven's gain. Same with Brennan. I feel I know them...there's a spiritual connection, as well as a soul and mind connection. Although they were strong believers of Jesus Christ and were an ongoing part of the ministry, they each suffered with depression.

I've heard pastors preach about it, one young one saying boldly that he was sick of hearing professing Christians say they are depressed. I almost walked out, because I think it was shortly after a brother, very active in the church killed himself, probably too ashamed to admit he was struggling. I remember the pastor being so shocked, because as he shared at the funeral this older brother was his main supporter, always at meetings, always the first to encourage him. Sad, is it not? As close as they appeared to be, the pastor never really knew him. And so it is with so many. We can even share a home together and really not know each other.

I think Rich remarked once that the time he felt the freest was when he could be himself. Rich pretty much was himself which posed a problem to many high minded theologian-types. I understand that very clearly, as I am myself the majority of the time. If I am not myself it is because I have retreated within myself to my little place of safety, and I'm not ready to share something God's doing with an unbelieving crowd. I've been "different" all my life. Not un-free, but not totally free. Reason being, every time I tried to be "myself,"  it either wasn't good enough, or I was told I should be ashamed for not being or feeling a certain way.  I don't remember having any cruel thoughts about anyone at that time, or any time, really. It was just the pat response.

Today I had planned on going out to pursue a path God had placed on my heart, yet I haven't been able to make it out the door. Seems like there's too much to do, but I don't want to do that either. The weekend goes too fast for me. Monday comes to soon, and then I'm back in the race.  I don't know, but I'll figure it out.

I have within me this desire to "hit the road," not knowing if it's meant to be temporary or permanent. I don't know...but I do know I'll figure it out.

So, as I've shared before, when I take these mental trips I may not be very talkative. I was able to talk to a friend for a while this morning, so thanks for that! But now, I want to lay low and just deal with a few "undone" things. It doesn't mean I don't want to talk to you. It just means I can't do it now, I have no words. Please forgive me, but when you're "free" you're "real," and there's no shame in being who you are as a child of God. Rich said something about not having "piestistic illusions of moral excellence"...I guess that about covers it!  He loves as "as we are, not as we should be, because we'll never be as we should be."

Here's a thought:

 

Day 170 Another Resolution

 

Alas, one more day of drudgery, then...the WEEKEND!! Two days of escape!  You guessed it...it has been a VERY busy week.

Since I was hosting my Ragamuffin Gospel Bible study Friday night I had decided to shut down precisely at 6 pm, so I could straighten up a bit and read over my chapters in the book again to refresh my mind. So following my plan I locked everything up by 6 pm, and I scurried around picking up, moving my stuffed children off the sofa, and cranking up the AC so it'd be nice and chilly for everyone. Actually I had it on most of the day, and I was already a Popsicle!

I bounced on the trampoline a few times before moving it out of the living room, and I accomplished a few more things before the first guest arrived early on the scene. Sitting down for a few minutes to chat is always a nice escape from mundane household chores, so sit I did. Soon others arrived and the evening began.

As I attempt now to focus on the evening I can say that I have missed the fellowship sharing my home with others affords. Pastor said that porch sitting is a thing of the past, but when I go home I do sit on the porches of more than one and reminisce of early days. We did a bit of that sitting in my parlour, as the lives of those sitting in the room spanned the decades of wars, civil rights, trail of tears, past Christian Presidents and great world leaders. A nice repose, yet a startling realization of where our nation will be if we do come to the place of removing God as our Sovereign.

Although the end of this world is certainly drawing closer to an end, still the focus must always be on the unified Church of Christ. He is still very much alive and well in so many of us who are standing for His righteousness and His glory.  Our focus need not be on approaching doom, rather our eyes should always be on revival which has been prophesied before the end. Amazingly no one notices that important fact in Biblical accounts, but we who do are standing, praying, believing and praising God for His Kingdom come, His will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven! That means here; that means now!

It is my most ardent prayer that people really come to know the person of Jesus Christ and apply His truths to their life. Yes, we suffer; yes we go through horrendous, tormenting episodes in life, but as I shared with the group last night, and I have shared many times in my blogs...this I know for a fact ... I know that He loves me, and I know that He never lies, so I can trust what He tells me, regardless of what I see before my eyes in the natural or read in an email or receive in the mail. He is my Father, and He always fulfills His promises.

We should never doubt what He tells us in secret or reveals to our hearts through His work or someone He sends. We in our weakness and unbelief think that just because things don't turn out as we expect, or we surmise that God has forsaken us. Dear ones, always God's way is best. For those who have lost a loved one, having believed that God was going to heal, only to have that one die, know this.. death has no victory for a true believer. Just because a person may not be healed as you understand, does not mean He did not do it. He rescues! Rescue is much different than death! Never doubt His trustworthiness. If you do, then you really do not understand His love for you. To quote quote a friend about the outrageous love of our Lord:

“This is yet another prayer song. Sometimes I find it hard to pray. Maybe that’s why I’ve written so many prayer songs because it’s easier to sing sometimes. God may find it more entertaining than if you just say it too. Who knows? Except I’m not sure if God’s all that concerned about being entertained. Maybe that’s just a human thing. Sometimes you try to impress God with all the right words. I just don’t think it’s an easy thing to impress God Almighty.

Here’s the thing that I think we often forget is that we don’t have to impress him. He’s already knocked out about you. He already loves you more than you can imagine.

I remember reading a thing Picasso once said. I like to read what famous artists have to say because I’m barely able to look at their paintings without going into a coma trying to figure out what it’s about. He said that ‘good taste is the enemy of great art’ which I think is very true. Good taste has all to do with being cultured and being refined. If art has to do with anything, it has to do with being human.

One of the reasons I love the Bible is because the humans in the Bible were not very refined. They’re pretty goofy if you want to know whole the truth about.

I remember when I was a kid – I was one of those typical, depressed adolescent types. I wrote poetry and stuff. That’s how morose I was as a kid. People would say “Cheer up because God love you.” And I would say “Big deal, God loves everybody. That don’t make me special. That just proves that God aint got no taste”.

And I don’t think He does. Thank God. Because God takes the junk of our lives and he makes the greatest art in the world out of it. And if He was cultured and He was as civilized as most Christian people wish He was… He would be useless to Christianity.

 But God is a wild man. And I hope in the course of your life you encounter Him. But let me warn you, you need to hang on for dear life…or let go for dear life.”

 

But God is a wild man. And I hope in the course of your life you encounter Him. But let me warn you, you need to hang on for dear life…or let go for dear life.”

Day 169 Thursday

 

I'm late again in posting my Thursday thoughts. When I let the loser have his say before punching him in the nose I tend to become exceedingly lethargic the next few days. If you're wondering who the "loser" is, well suffice it to say, he is not God. God is the Great One, but the other guy who loves to stick his talons into my flesh is the "loser."

Thursday was a productive day as far as work was concerned. My visit in the morning was very pleasant, but my afternoon was a bit different than I had planned. An important visit was canceled for a lame excuse, so I wondered to myself why I care so much. That thought always passes quickly, so I plan how I will respond to this untimely cancellation when I do visit.

After several other disruptions to my day, ya know the nit picky type of annoyances, I decided I needed a distraction from the allure of the office. As the work day was ending I decided I'd go out to eat with a friend, so I cut off the computer, washed my face, and prepared myself for our great outing. We went to my favorite place, Rancho de Chimayo Restaurante, and I had green chile enchiladas. Yum! When I returned home, after scurrying around a bit doing this and that, I went to bed and slept soundly.

My day prior to going out on the town had become a bit too tedious for me. I tend to over stretch myself most of the time, in spite of my good intentions not to do so. But with the time restraints working with government programs, time lines are important. So it is what it is, as I hear it so aptly put. I do love what I do, but it is how I have to accomplish getting the work processed that drags me and everyone else in the field down, down, down. Promises are being made that this will change, so perhaps one day they will. Until then, I will try to do myself a favor and remind myself to turn off the computer at 6 pm, because the work will be there tomorrow. Easier said than done to we overzealous achievers who dot every "i" and cross every "t." Asi es la vida!

Day 168 - Wednesday

Life can be a kick in the seat.  Life can be a huge eye-opener to what is real or imagined.  Goal setting is becoming my "thing" to do in order to survive, and today I had goals that were frightening, in a sense.

When I awakened this morning I was somewhat rested, but from the look of me, that thought is questionable. Still I had things to do, so there was no indulging my flesh that cried for more sleep.

I don't know how it happened or who allowed him in, but soon an uninvited visitor came calling. One who is not a stranger.

I have been the greatest escape artist that ever lived, hiding behind the facade of a smiling face and lilting laughter and conversation. The literal life of the party at times. This quickly fades away, and I am left alone to my thoughts, to the voices that are becoming louder these days.

Sometimes I think this is the result of too many blows to the head. My friendly little puppy friends managed to cause me to lose balance, I whacked my "bad side" of the head into the car, but thankfully it wasn't the end of all things. Doc says one more could be the last. Funny, in a way.

I called a friend, someone I trust, bared my soul then scurried off on my next goal of the day. Interesting how God talks to me when He doesn't really "talk" to me. So on my ride to Taos to meet friends for a late lunch I heard songs that reminded me of the presence of the Lord when I don't "feel" His presence. There is one thing that does remain regardless of how I am feeling at the moment, and that is the fact that I know He loves me, and I know all He wants is for me to trust Him. Some days I need a louder "knowing" is all.  I need to experience the hug around the shoulders and hear the words a bit more clearly. I really don't need scripture to confirm any of this to me.  Sometimes I struggle.

I'm glad I decided to meet my friends in Taos, remembering good times in the midst of chaotic ones, realizing it is those times that teach so much about life and overcoming.  Realizing even more that because of God's faithfulness we can continue on in spite of seemingly insurmountable mountains trying to defeat us each step of the way up and over. Perseverance gets us past the obstacles along the way, branches and thorns tearing at our flesh as we climb to the summit, whipped and slapped in the face, but finally we see the clearing up ahead.

Home...what is home to me?  It's a place where I feel welcomed, reassured, needed, wanted, and adored. A peaceful place where I can rest undisturbed. Friendly faces of friends who can fix things I need fixing, smile on face handing me said object, then off to the next task I have set. Impervious  tasks, but yet, overcome. Thank you, Jesus, that in the midst of the screams of desperation and despair, the softer, louder voice can still be heard, the child within restored.

Day 167 - Tuesday

My morning began like this............................

 

It ended like this....!  Life's an interesting mix.

Day 166 - Breaking Point

 

I was having a great day, then the inevitable zinger hit the fan! Consequently, I am behind on my work, missed my planned quiet time, and almost had a nervous breakdown. Still, I am waiting for tomorrow when I can handle the "events" in my life that are once more causing me stress, and I am trying to breathe.

I am having problems focusing now, but regardless of all of this, I am still going to praise God, because He is the way to peace.  I am going to shut off my phones, turn off the internet, and go to bed. Hopefully, the good night of rest will give me a fresh perspective on the things I need to accomplish tomorrow and Wednesday.  Honestly, sometimes it is very difficult being alone in all of this mess.

As a friend said to me, once I'm through all my hurdles  I'll be able to help others over the same ones. Right now, at this moment in time, I am not feeling the love in that concept. Nonetheless I remain eager to help others, as it may save a life!

Day 165 - Hiding Place

 

 "I believe that God is in me as the sun is in the color and fragrance

of a flower - the Light in my darkness, the Voice in my silence."

Helen Keller

God is always so incredible to me; my Abba Father who gently awakens me to the sound of gentle breezes, the melody of birds, and the quietness of my spirit as He bids me good morning.  I had determined that today would be a day I would spend entirely with Him, working through some thoughts and ideas He's been sharing with me. I always know when it's His voice I hear, as He never pushes or makes pleas, He simply reminds me. He knows me so well. He's my Abba, of course He does!

Thus far and once more He's taken me back in time to Youth With a Mission (YWAM) days, when I was just beginning to understand the true nature of Jesus. For all my life He'd been my friend, my constant companion, yet I didn't know Him as I do now. So this time was a very special moment in my life when He began to teach me what He needed me to know for the years to come. They were precious times, yet somehow some of what He taught has been lost to me, as I have forgotten who I am, who He created me to be, and more importantly, His path for my life. For any who believe I am not where He wants me at this moment in time, you may be mistaken, in part. Whereas I know I have things to do elsewhere as part of the vision, I am exactly where He needs me to be at this season of my life.

"Are you close to quitting? Please don't do it. Are you discouraged

as a parent? Hang in there. Are you weary with doing good? Do just a 

little more. Are you pessimistic about your job? Roll up your sleeves and

go at it again. No communication in your marriage? Give it one more shot....

Is hope a forgotten word?... The Land of Promise, says Jesus, awaits those who endure."

 No Wonder They Call Him The Savior

by Max Lucado

Over the past several months I have been waiting for God to speak, and all along He has been speaking. I was just too worn out and downtrodden to hear Him clearly. I was listening, and I was hearing. I was faithful to write it down in my journal, even in my blogs, but still the message did not ring hopeful in my ears. Confusion was coming in every direction from "the voices" I so desperately try to keep out of my head. I cut off my telephone now when I am listening to God, so please don't think I don't want to talk to you if I don't get back to you. It's not that at all...I'm just spending time with my Father, Abba.

This morning I listened to Charles Stanley speak on Putting Prayer First. He referenced Mark 11:22-25 where Jesus is speaking to his disciples about faith. Jesus spent the majority of His time on these two subjects: prayer and faith. They are after all rather inseparable in relationship to Him.  Dr. Stanley said, "The greatest possible difficulties can be removed when we have faith in God to work in our behalf."  He reminds us that nothing is impossible with God. The "mountains" in our lives are the things that discourage, cripple, or paralyze us...that keep us from fulfilling our purpose.

 If we endure, we will also reign with him.

2 Timothy 2:12

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time

we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

Galatians 6:9

Forever faithful and true, He again takes me to that place so many years ago, a time when the phone rings, and she is there on the other end telling me things, hoping I'll give up and let go. It was as if my best friend were trying to tell me what she had heard or seen or suspected. By God's grace alone I was able to tell this woman she was mistaken, and I was sorry. Time passed and one day she called again, this time to tell me I was right all along...my husband loved me, not her. This is only one tiny glimpse of the life I have lived, and we all make mistakes, but God is relentless in His love for us.

Listen to these words....

You Raise Me Up
by Selah

 

When I am down and oh, my soul so weary
When troubles come and my heart burdened be
Then I am still and wait here in the silence
Until You come and sit awhile with me

You raise me up so I can stand on mountains
You raise me up to walk on stormy seas
I am strong when I am on Your shoulders
You raise me up to more than I can be

You raise me up so I can stand on mountains
You raise me up to walk on stormy seas
I am strong when I am on Your shoulders
You raise me up to more than I can be

There is no life, no life without its hunger
Each restless heart beats so imperfectly
But when You come and I am filled with wonder
Sometimes, I think I glimpse eternity

You raise me up so I can stand on mountains
(You raise me up, I can stand on mountains)
You raise me up to walk on stormy seas
(Walk on stormy seas)

And I am strong when I am on Your shoulders
Oh, you raise me up to more than I can be
You raise me up to more than I can be

Though years have passed, and my life story has changed, I am not embittered by anything that has come to pass.  Betrayal is a two way street, and no one is innocent.  My experiences living and learning, and re-learning, remembering, and being reminded again and again have only strengthened me. There's no way I am giving up on the life that God has in store for me, or the purpose that He alone has destined. So for now as we wait together in quiet places, away from the noise of the world that comes through many voices or perhaps only the voice of one plea, still I must wait for His leading.

I now have a place to begin, even if I am only capable, at this place in time, of taking baby steps as I heal again. I don't need physical rest as much as I need emotional rest. But I'm making progress, because I know Who holds my hand, and who carries me much of the time when I am too tired of going on.

 

For today, at this moment in time and in my hiding place with Him, I am at peace, away from any outside distractions or any voices of their own reason, just His. We have some things to talk about, so I best get at it. I am so thankful to spend my day with Him, listening...He is my hiding place. I hope you find yours!


You Are My Hiding Place
by Selah

You are my hiding place
You always fill my heart
With songs of deliverance
Whenever I am afraid
I will trust in You

I will trust in You
Let the weak say I am strong
In the strength of the Lord

You are my hiding place
You always fill my heart
With songs of deliverance
Whenever I am afraid
I will trust in You

I will trust in You
Let the weak say I am strong
In the strength of the Lord
I will trust in You

You are my hiding place
You always fill my heart
With songs of deliverance
Whenever I am afraid
I will trust in You

I will trust in You
Let the weak say I am strong
In the strength of the Lord
I will trust in You

You are my hiding place
(I will trust in You)
You always fill my heart
(Let the weak say I am strong)
With songs of deliverance
(In the strength of the Lord)
Whenever I am afraid
I will trust in You

 

Day 164 - Another Day

It's tomorrow already, and I still haven't posted today's blog. Of course this morning I posted yesterday's blog today, so I am becoming confused!  Oh well, tomorrow I can think about the next day. Or not!

It has been a long day, and contrary to my best intentions I did choose to work a bit longer tonight on work than I had intended, just to catch up. Sadly, I will never catch up. I'm so paranoid these days that I seem to be forgetting simple things. So much has changed so often in such a short period of time. Ugh! So, I decided to call it quits for tonight or this morning.

Today I decided to stick in the Rambo movies. It warms my heart to see him settle the score with the bad guys! Rambo is a one man army!

Besides working and watching Rambo movies I managed to get a few "chores" done...the garden variety kind like washing clothes, tidying up a bit.  A bit is about all I did! My personal tasks or goals for each day are keeping me somewhat focused, but there's way too many things that need doing. I'm supposed to go to Zumba on Wednesday with one of my buddies, and I can hardly wait. It's so much fun, and I know we'll giggle a lot!

In looking over my day today, I am thankful for a day on the town, my gluten free pizza, and the ability to laugh or cry which ever way the wind may be blowing! There's always something happening, and I try to find the gift hidden within the mundane things. Like my little puppy friends who love to lay on my porch waiting for my return amidst the torn rug pieces and other litter they have somehow managed to drag onto my front porch. It gets a little old at times, but they are quite endearing, and I'd miss them if they didn't pay their daily visit. I wanted to take a photo of them, but I was afraid they'd eat my camera so I passed on that notion! They were after my computer yesterday.  Little rascals! I named one Brownie and the other one Ruffy. Hope to introduce them to you one day.

Well, Rambo saved the day, so I guess it's time to turn in.  As the credits are rolling this song plays:

He Ain't Heavy, He's my Brother

The road is long
With many a winding turn
That leads us to who knows where
Who knows where
But I'm strong
Strong enough to carry him
He ain't heavy, he's my brother

So on we go
His welfare is of my concern
No burden is he to bear
We'll get there

For I know
He would not encumber me
He ain't heavy, he's my brother

If I'm laden at all
Then I'm laden with sadness
That everyone's heart
Isn't filled with the gladness
Of love for one another

It's a long, long road
From which there is no return
While we're on the way to there
Why not share

And the load
Doesn't weigh me down at all
He ain't heavy, he's my brother

He's my brother
He ain't heavy, he's my brother

Now that's something worth thinking about, isn't it? Whose my brother? Whose my sister?  Get the point? My heart, my mission ... people!

Day 163 - Yesterday Now Today

"Loneliness. It's a cry, a moan, a wail. It's a gasp whose

origin is the recesses of our souls. Can you hear it? The abandoned

child. The divorcee. The quiet home. The empty mailbox. The long days.

The longer nights. A one-night stand. A forgotten birthday. A silent phone."

No Wonder They Call Him The Savior

by

Max Lucado

Loneliness can also be a smiling face whose heart is breaking, but the person is too afraid to share the need with a friend for fear of rejection, condemnation leading to more guilt and shame, and ultimate despair. It can be a child within a family of many who is lost or ignored, because he/she gets in so much trouble the parents need a break. 

It can be the one who's stuck in a bad marriage, secretly being emotionally tormented by her husband who's a man of position in the community or church. It can be a home full of noise and laughter, yet one person is silently suffering, and no matter how much fun or bantering is going on, inside the person secretly wants to end his life. 

A mailbox can be overflowing with Medicare announcements of your forthcoming 65th birthday, and you're suddenly smacked in the face that you are alone, a thousand or more miles away from your children, paralyzed mentally in knowing how to bridge the gap. I know about forgotten birthdays, Mother's Day, and other holidays. And although my phone rings off the hook, the calls, although well-intentioned, can often lead to more uncertainty and loneliness.

Thoughts surrounding the above passage from Max Lucado's book, No Wonder They Call Him The Savior, have been tumbling around in my brain for several days. I've been receiving answers to prayer that settle my soul, yet I realize I have to do something about it. You ask, He answers! You just have to listen for the response, and you have to decide whether you want to obey it or not. That's not a difficult choice for me, because I always want what He wants. I'm just not as astute as He is, so I need clear directions, a guided path, a floodlight and writing on the wall. He just shakes His head and reassures me that, "Yes, you heard correctly," and "Give Me a break, girl!"

When I was lunching with my two gal friends we were talking about the needs in the community, particularly those at the local nursing facility. It's full of lonely people, promised a safe place to live, with their needs in consideration, but often they are empty promises. I've had my fill of those myself.

We three just happen to be The Three Musketeers when it comes to advocacy. It was at that fateful meeting that I asked my friends if they would be interested in learning puppetry as my puppeteers have grown up and moved away. The response was a wholehearted, YES!! Sounds like fun! sort of response. So now "I" have to "do" something. God opened a door.

 

My friend, Max Lucado, only hits the surface about loneliness, a state of being in which I am very much an expert. Of course, when you see me, when you talk to me, rarely will you get the feeling that I need anyone except God in my life, because I am always bubbly, being my fun-loving, crazy, upbeat "me." I try to encourage those who are lonely, depressed, discouraged, seeking answers, and my conversation always include my faith in the Lord. God tells us we do need fellowship, although some are called to ministries of solitude and resoluteness, still we need the company of worshipers in atmospheres of praise to our Abba. And, sometimes we need to take the hand of the one in pain and lead them, walk with them, until they find their way to the One who can end their pain, their despair, and fill their aching hearts with love and peace.  He's my Rock and my Stay, and He's the one I hang with most of the time, but I do enjoy my trysts on the town with my buddies. It's not a cure all, as I so want to be closer to my children, who never visit me, and my friends, who never visit me, because I do visit them as often as I can, but I want to feel valued and worth the time, too. That's one area where my heart cries the loudest. Maybe you can identify with those feelings yourself!

 

"If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,

even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast."

Psalm 139:9, 10

Day 162 - Lost

 

"We were born out of one eternity and are frighteningly

close to another. We play tag with the fuzzy realities of death

and pain. We can't answer our own questions about love and 

hurt. We can't solve the riddle of aging. We can't keep ourselves

out of war. We can't even keep ourselves fed. Paul spoke for humanity

when he confessed, '"I do not know what I am doing.'" (Romans 7:25,

author's paraphrase)."

No Wonder They Call Him The Savior

by

Max Lucado

 

 

"The foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the

weakness of God is stronger than man's strength."

1 Corinthians 1:25

For all of you who have turned 65 or are about to, I know your frustration. This morning I was reading a letter from my employer about Medicare being my primary insurance when I turn 65, and I became very perplexed.  Having worked in the field for many years, I understand Medicare as it relates to Medicaid, and I seem to be able to answer others' questions, but when it comes to me, I panic when I don't understand. Fortunately, I have friends who have passed this bump in the road, and they were able to reassure and instruct me.  Ugh! So this weekend one of my goals is the apply for Medicare, Part A, so I'll be over the hump. Hopefully, I will be able to work for awhile, as I don't feel particularly decrepit or anything!

It's interesting the simple things that send me into a tizzy! I feel like my head is spinning. Time for another vacation.

I'm grateful I can rely on direction from the One who holds me in the palm of His hands. Whew! One disaster averted...for the moment!