First thing I want to share two thoughts. First, that although I know that Jesus loves me, it doesn't mean I don't have days where I feel all alone, despairing of life, not wanting to go on. Frankly, although I do know He loves me, loves us all, it is beyond the scope of my imagination why He bothers with me. I continually fail Him, I even spend days when I can't even talk to my own best friend, because I don't know what to say. Strange, because after all He knows everything! See the irony of that situation!
Secondly, I do trust Him, believe what's He's told me, and I know when someone who comes to me and "speaks a word" has really heard from God. I'm His, and He's mine. He's my Abba, ya know, and every day is Father's Day for Him or should be. Waiting is hard, especially after so many years of watching my family being torn limb from limb, unable to help them, just standing firm in my belief that God will work all things to good, restore the years the locusts have eaten away, and many other promises. I do trust that, but sometimes I need another nudge, another warm embrace.
Generally, after my Bible study, sharing from Rich Mullins' and Brennan Manning's lives I watch the move Ragamuffin again. Rich reminds me so much of myself. I wish I'd known him. Our loss is Heaven's gain. Same with Brennan. I feel I know them...there's a spiritual connection, as well as a soul and mind connection. Although they were strong believers of Jesus Christ and were an ongoing part of the ministry, they each suffered with depression.
I've heard pastors preach about it, one young one saying boldly that he was sick of hearing professing Christians say they are depressed. I almost walked out, because I think it was shortly after a brother, very active in the church killed himself, probably too ashamed to admit he was struggling. I remember the pastor being so shocked, because as he shared at the funeral this older brother was his main supporter, always at meetings, always the first to encourage him. Sad, is it not? As close as they appeared to be, the pastor never really knew him. And so it is with so many. We can even share a home together and really not know each other.
I think Rich remarked once that the time he felt the freest was when he could be himself. Rich pretty much was himself which posed a problem to many high minded theologian-types. I understand that very clearly, as I am myself the majority of the time. If I am not myself it is because I have retreated within myself to my little place of safety, and I'm not ready to share something God's doing with an unbelieving crowd. I've been "different" all my life. Not un-free, but not totally free. Reason being, every time I tried to be "myself," it either wasn't good enough, or I was told I should be ashamed for not being or feeling a certain way. I don't remember having any cruel thoughts about anyone at that time, or any time, really. It was just the pat response.
Today I had planned on going out to pursue a path God had placed on my heart, yet I haven't been able to make it out the door. Seems like there's too much to do, but I don't want to do that either. The weekend goes too fast for me. Monday comes to soon, and then I'm back in the race. I don't know, but I'll figure it out.
I have within me this desire to "hit the road," not knowing if it's meant to be temporary or permanent. I don't know...but I do know I'll figure it out.
So, as I've shared before, when I take these mental trips I may not be very talkative. I was able to talk to a friend for a while this morning, so thanks for that! But now, I want to lay low and just deal with a few "undone" things. It doesn't mean I don't want to talk to you. It just means I can't do it now, I have no words. Please forgive me, but when you're "free" you're "real," and there's no shame in being who you are as a child of God. Rich said something about not having "piestistic illusions of moral excellence"...I guess that about covers it! He loves as "as we are, not as we should be, because we'll never be as we should be."
Here's a thought:
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