Today is Father's Day, and it is also my daughter's birthday. Two days that are very hard for me, but each for a different reason. Separated from one through death, the other life.
Tormenting memories have invaded my quiet time and place of safety. Some things needed to be spoken, others perhaps better left unsaid, but still very much on my heart, disturbing me, keeping me from a peaceful afternoon and evening. Laying some things to rest is not easy. Still...!
It's the time of year where I begin to consider visiting my family in Virginia, my younger son actually more than anyone else, and seeing my friends while I am there. Making plans ahead to allow the best use of the time I have while there. It all goes by so quickly...time. My plans are not panning out as I had initially hoped, so I may be deviating from my usual stay while in Virginia, moving to a different base this visit. I am thinking of staying in the mountains or at the beach, taking my son with me on a short adventure, if he's interested. If not, then I will see him when I see him, and go from there.
All my life I have put others before myself, even in the type of work I do. I tend to work long hours, working way too long into the night, because I am a voice for those who cannot speak for themselves. I also believe that I am to do the best, most thorough job I can, because my first responsibility is to my God, everything I do as unto Him. This is my goal, the only ambition in life to which I lay hold...honoring Him in all that I do.
There are those who feel my daddy was a difficult man, a hard man, unloving, even cruel. I remember a time when I feared him, but then, God opened my eyes to the person he truly was beneath the exterior. My mother already knew this about him. It's easy for people to believe what they want to believe about a person, without taking the time to really see and understand. I think years of working with people plagued by mental illness of one description or another, as well as dealing with so much in my own life that has altered my ability to mentally focus due to the chemical imbalances from my immune deficiencies as well as the blows to the head, have given me a better perspective of things people endure and the affect they have on a person's capability to function. Sometimes to function at all is a miracle. People who experience these sorts of disabilities understand others so much better and are less judgmental and harsh, more understanding and compassionate. It has nothing to do with one's spiritual position or belief, so please if you're reading this, and think, "If they only trusted God...." stop right there. Because if you've never been through the dark night of the soul, who are you to judge?!
I've encountered some pretty fierce dark nights and even darker days, and I know that the one true constant is God. I also know for a surety that He has my back, and I can trust His word. I know He loves me, although I don't understand why.
I was watching a movie this evening, Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, that gives a glimpse of what's it like to try to see things from someone else's point of view. People, or apes and people in this situation, are not so different in their prejudices, always ready to justify actions, never taking responsibility for themselves, always at odds, because someone always has to be right. Sad. Why can't we just get along? The way it should be, but then, we'll never be as we should be. That's why I'm glad I have a Savior who sees my heart and loves me just as I am.
I miss my daddy. I miss our talks, but I know he loved me, even if he only said it the last few years of his life. That's all that matters. The knowing...!
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