My soul in such turmoil today. So many feelings going through my head, ripping my heart apart. I feel so entangled in clutter and dismay. Sometimes I think I will scream if I cannot escape the nightmare of my present life. I am such a mix of conundrum and irony. Will I ever find the peace I am meant to have in my life?!
I am offered a rare privilege of sharing a life with a wonderful man, who understands in part the restlessness of my soul, but I shy away from promise of a future and love and possible solidity in my life, only to relentlessly continue to wander and wonder...why if?! There is a part of me that wants to say yes to this possibility, yet another so fears that the stagnation it may impose upon my dream may be the utter death of my soul.
What is the answer? What is to be my response?! Until I find the answer will I ever be at peace?
A close friend, a brother, a best friend, asked me if I had asked God His desire for me regarding this man, and all I can say is yes, but no, because maybe I am afraid of God's answer. Maybe His answer is too simple, and I am afraid still.
I do not trust myself to live a life that others dream of having...the house in the country, a white picket fence, the dog, the cat, and other critters, a beautiful garden with a wooded thinking spot with a swing, a place to dream and scheme...a life well-lived, well-loved, blessed by God Himself.
I feel so alone, so I turn to music to calm my spirit.
Verge of a Miracle
by Rich Mullins
Clung to a ball that was hung in the sky
Hurled into orbit there you are
Whether you fall down or whether you fly
Seems you can never get too far, someone's waiting
To put wings upon your flightless heart
You're on the verge of a miracle, standing there
Oh you're on the verge of a miracle, just waiting
To be believed in, open your eyes and see
You're on the verge of a miracle
Here in your room where nobody can see
Voices are loud but seldom clear
But beneath the confusion that's running so deep
There is a promise you must hear, the love
That seems so far away is standing very near
You're on the verge of a miracle, standing there
Oh you're on the verge of a miracle, just waiting
To be believed in, open your eyes and see
You're on the verge of a miracle
When you've played out your last chance
And your directions have all been lost
When the roads that you look down are all dead ends
Look up, you could see if you'd just look up
You're on the verge of a miracle, standing there
Oh you're on the verge of a miracle, just waiting
To be believed in, open your eyes and see
You're on the verge of a miracle
Hurled into orbit there you are
Whether you fall down or whether you fly
Seems you can never get too far, someone's waiting
To put wings upon your flightless heart
You're on the verge of a miracle, standing there
Oh you're on the verge of a miracle, just waiting
To be believed in, open your eyes and see
You're on the verge of a miracle
Here in your room where nobody can see
Voices are loud but seldom clear
But beneath the confusion that's running so deep
There is a promise you must hear, the love
That seems so far away is standing very near
You're on the verge of a miracle, standing there
Oh you're on the verge of a miracle, just waiting
To be believed in, open your eyes and see
You're on the verge of a miracle
When you've played out your last chance
And your directions have all been lost
When the roads that you look down are all dead ends
Look up, you could see if you'd just look up
You're on the verge of a miracle, standing there
Oh you're on the verge of a miracle, just waiting
To be believed in, open your eyes and see
You're on the verge of a miracle
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