Day 89 - Gearing Down

 

Winding down from a busy day is always a bit of a feat for me. I get so sleepy I can hardly keep my eyes open, then something happens to shake me from my lethargy, and I am revived.  Unfortunately when it happens I can't fall asleep, so it is a vicious cycle.  But for tonight, I am tired and bedraggled, so I am going to take my soak which will further send me into a deep, drowsy slumber.  

Tomorrow's the day before my first day off. I am so stoked!  My friends want to go out to eat since we missed the Chile cook off.  But, I just may sleep in before I rise and shine for the day.

For tonight I am thankful for this day, and I pray that I was a positive influence on someone's life today.  I leave you with a prayer Brennan Manning uses from his spiritual director, Larry Hein who wrote this blessing: 

"May all your expectations be frustrated, may all your plans

be thwarted, may all your desires be withered into nothingness,

that you may experience the powerlessness and poverty of a child

and sing and dance in the love of God who is Father, Son, and Spirit."

 
Praise, honor and blessing be Yours, Abba.

Day 88 - Paradoxes - Blips - Finality

"I have often thought, since I had to think of this, how, in all adversity, what God takes away He may give us back with increase. One cannot think that any holy earthly love will cease, when we shall "be like the Angels of God in Heaven." Love here must shadow our love there, deeper because spiritual, without any alloy from our sinful nature, and in the fulness of the love of God. But as we grow here by God's grace will be our capacity for endless love."

Edward Bouverie Pusey, an English Theologian, himself a widower, wrote these words to his friend, Lewis Carroll, a well-known author, when he lost his wife.

 

Charles Lutwidge Dodgson

(Lewis Carroll)

Edward B Pusey also wrote: "What have we to expect? Anything. What have we to hope for? Everything. What have we to fear? Nothing."

Many times we fail to see the blessings behind tragedies and losses, because we are so fixated on what is staring us in the face at the moment. We buckle under, laden by the heavy weight of whatever grief or preoccupation guides our hearts in that space of time. We neither are capable of seeing for looking or hearing for listening. Another paradox.

My next little "blip" of encouragement comes from J.R.R. Tolkien of whom I am particularly fond who writes: "Still round the corner there may wait, a new road, or a secret gate."

Perhaps the road less traveled or the point of no return! Words have had an incredible influence on me my entire life. I love a well written phrase or catchy by line. Words that capture the imagination or spin the mind well past it's natural inclinations and fine tuned harmony into the netherworld of space and time and continual distraction or eventual demise.

 

I think keeping a journal is a wonderful outlet for expressing one's feelings, which in turn frees the mind and outlines a new plan, goal, or objective which in turn may open an entirely new window of possibilities. Previously in my earlier blog I mentioned places I go to hide and shelter myself from a storm brewing and catapulting into an explosive ending to my life.  My journal is also a get release of pent up feelings, wondering and wanderings of my mind. It offers me an escape into the hidden places where I can learn to accept, receive, and heal. It's my "Dear God" letters, poems, songs, and musings. My journals span decades of my life, and thy hold much of the content of the book I need to finish but never seem to find the time to do.

 

I always keep a pad and pencil handy as I am traveling around. I have a tendency to forget things easily, especially when they are important, so I practice the art of documentation. That way I remember somewhat more effectively. Some things, more than less, are actually worth remembering. People, places, things, events, and other "stuff" that riddles the mind and demolishes any thoughts that get in the way of my goal. I sound obtuse, but again, a paradox. Recorders are so impersonal and disguise the sentiment I wish to convey. Hand-written letters, thoughts are much more memorable.

I cannot remember the point of it all, but I do know the end. Puzzles. Where do I go from here?
Regardless, I am grateful for the sojourn I've had in places along the way. Journeys are worthwhile; they help to keep the focus clear and true. Where or where do I go from here?

Day 87 - Free to Be Free

 

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which

is doing its best day and night to make you

everybody else, means to fight the hardest

battle which any human being can fight, 

and never stop fighting."

E. E. Cummings

My day did not turn out the way I initially planned. Today is the first time in a long time when I did not attend the soup kitchen benefit I look forward to each year. My buddies and I got sidetracked with other priorities and illness, so that was that. But I had an amazing day with Jesus, listening, learning, and trying to obey. I picked up another Brennan Manning book and listened to some of his retreat sermons. Both he and Rich are sorely missed, but I thank God for media that allows me to spend time with them.

Brennan asks "What does it mean to feel you are in a safe place?" Then she shared his journal entry,

"To feel safe is to stop living in my head and sink down into my heart and feel liked and accepted...not having to hide anymore and distract myself with books, television, movies, ice cream, shallow conversation...staying in the present moment and not escaping into the past or projecting into the future, alert and attentive to the now...feeling relaxed and not nervous or jittery...no need to impress or dazzle others or draw attention to myself...Unselfconscious, a new way of being with myself, a new way of being in the  world...calm, unafraid, no anxiety about what's going to happen next...loved and valued...just being together as an end in itself."

 

To be free without any inhibitions, certain of who you are in a world that disagrees, disrespects, disavows. Or better yet I think I adequately shared my dream in an earlier post:

"There is a place where I can go and not feel alone. A place of wonder, beauty, laughter, acceptance and new beginnings.  A place where trust and respect are not earned but granted freely. Where I can go without the guilt and shame of past regrets imprisoning me.  To a place where I feel worthy, believed in, accepted for who I am, capable of accomplishing the impossible, helped when I am weak, forgiven when I am wrong. A place where I can forgive myself and others, realizing we are all fragile and capable of wrong thoughts and deeds, but where we can rise above anything on the wings of faith. To begin again, to be made brand new, with the strength of others, who are just like me, just like you. No longer alone, no longer excluded, living together in harmony, love and faith. Where the impossible dreams become possibilities and realities!"

 

Learning to be a swinger of birches again, riding through the air on swings made of rope, climbing into the sky, laughing wildly, unashamedly and totally free! Brennan asked Rich one day, "Are you free?" to which Rich asked him, "What do you mean." "A free man wouldn't have to ask," responds Brennan.

My definition of "free" is knowing I am loved, and that no matter what happens or what I do, I am still loved.  Even if I make my bed in hell, the scripture says, God will still love me! That's a pretty "in your face" promise. Many people don't grow up in a home where love, respect, companionship, laughter and a sense of belonging exist, so they may not grasp the concept of freedom, because they've probably lived their entire life or the majority of it, in a self-made prison they come to know as a "hiding place." I had one of those, and I still do. Maybe it's a necessary part of being totally free, not able to be hurt again by others who know not what they do, so to speak.

I believe that people who are seemingly depressed, who have become "lost" inside themselves, not responding to or interacting with others, lost in an empty stare, much like what's seen in an Alzheimer's patient, are in their "hiding places." It's like I know "the look" I see in their eyes as they glance off into space, oblivious to the words, touches, or actions of those around them. I also call it "tuning out" or "timing out." When my children were small we'd travel each year going across country, so it could get pretty noisy at times. That's when I'd tell them I was "tuning out," and I have learned how to do that even when I am working and need to focus all my attention or all my strength on completing a project. It's an acquired talent.

I also learned that when I was safely "timing out" that if something serious happened I was still aware of what was going on around me. I have always been a quick responder, as I used to be an EMT. I have gut reactions and instincts that have served me well in life. Still I do look forward to moments of "being." So this week I am taking three days off plus my weekend, and I am going to find a hiding place where I can be free for five glorious days!

Here's hoping you can find your definition of being free. I don't know about you, but I am a wee bit past allowing myself or others to keep me buried under guilt, shame, and condemnation. Thank goodness we have a God who has forgiven us, and who doesn't keep scores to see how many wrongs we do in a day.

Day 86 - Joy for Sorrow

 

Words from the song play over and over in my head, "I am not alone... In the midst of great sorrow, I am pressing into You. Through the valley of the shadow, I will not fear." Each loss is personal, unique for you, understood by others, but not really. One can be empathetic, identifying but not the same. To sit in silence with those who have endured loss and the pain accompanying it is in itself a gift only one who has walked through the valley of the shadow of death can know. Yet God knows, and He alone can fully identify with the depth of despair in which you find yourself, groping in the darkness of "why?"

I have learned not to ask that question, because who can fathom the depth of His ways? I know one thing, everything has a purpose, a plan to bring honor and glory to God's kingdom. Do you think He wants to hurt you? Do you think He did not hear the cries of your heart over the years and watch as You crumbled and died a million deaths willing to take the place of the one suffering? Never for one minute ever doubt what you hear from God in secret, even if, what you heard is counter to what comes to pass. God is not a man that He should lie. And His arm is not shortened. He can do whatever pleases Him.

I have a portion of the scripture Luke 18:8 taped to my computer, "Will I find faith...?"  God has always proven Himself faithful, so how can we not put aside the sack cloth and ashes and trust the results of our most ardent prayers of faith to Him? With regard to life I have reached a decision in my dark nights of the soul. We expect so much from God, and all He asks of us is our love. He wants us to acknowledge the price He paid to redeem us and to respond to his outstretched hand. He fully understands the price you have paid for the place you now find yourself.

Death is never easy to accept at any age, but the death of one's child is the most difficult to bear. I watch silently, in empathy, as I watched my friends walk through the storms of this battle, as raging waves of desperation threaten to overwhelm. After years of ups and downs, faith and doubt, victory and despair, the wait, the struggle, the battle is over. A kind of peace comes knowing your child is free, but in the days to come you discover that your peace is gone, and your soul is imprisoned in a grief the depth of which no man can bear. It crushes with every memory, every doubt that plays over and over in your mind. You are overcome with it, taking each moment that comes, step by step, but never free.

Never doubt what you heard in secret in the prayer closet of your heart. You have been given a unique gift for so many years, when with others the joy may have been brief. Nonetheless, life is a precious gift, but our children are not ours, they are His. He has always known this hour would come, so why you ask did He not entrust that knowledge to you? Do not doubt what you heard in secret, my friend. Did you live in denial? No, you did not...you heard correctly, and you were faithful when others weaker than yourself dared not hope. Their eyes were veiled to truth, so they could not see, but you did.

Life is a paradox of virtues. We walk on shifting sand rather than stand upon the Rock. We cannot grasp God's wisdom, so we turn aside in anger or refuse consolation feeling the awful sting of betrayal. "How could You?" we ask.  "I trusted You!" we scream, when all around us is silence. Do not doubt what you heard in the secret chambers of your broken heart. In time you will see, and the pain, though never gone, will ease and fade, because you have glimpsed the higher purpose only God can reveal. I promise you He will always love you, never withdraw His presence from you, and you will meet your child again in glory where fear and suffering do not exist. I pray peace to you for today and all the tomorrows as you wait.

Day 85 - Praise to You God of Creation

"Start by doing what's necessary,

then what's possible and

suddenly you are doing

the impossible."

Francis of Assisi

What great words of inspiration can be drawn from the voice of this great man who lived his life humbly and in freedom. No wonder others over time have wanted to walk as he did, a life hidden in Christ shared freely with others. A life I wish to emulate each day, yet I fall so short.

Today was a better day than some, still with interesting sidelines and diversions, yet rather calm. I trust tomorrow will follow suit, as I begin a restful weekend. This is my prayer.  I received a call a few moments ago from one of the people I serve thanking me for something I had done. That's a breath of fresh air as I feel I do so little.  And I always want to do more. I've experienced some victories this week, and that is always a good end to a day. So I thank You, Father, for helping me along the way and bringing peace to the close of my day.

As Easter approaches I want to take some time apart from everything that rushes in to distract and interrupt my days, so I can focus only on the message He wants me to hear. I always speak of the noise, and that is what it is, crowding in, drawing our minds away from the most important person in our lives - Him. Because He lives I can face tomorrow. I never want to forget that He is the one who holds me in the palm of His hand. He holds the world in His hands, and He turns it whatsoever way He wants. God is faithful, and I want to end this day by giving Him praise.

Day 84 (2) - Promises to Keep

 

Another week of trying to trust God in the midst of chaos. It's not that I outwardly try to be disobedient in this call. Little things happen causing me to stumble, and I once more find that my response was not one of trusting Him. Most people wouldn't consider getting upset about a situation as not trusting God, but if there is no peace, and you're having chest pains, then where's the faith? And I will not rationalize it by saying "Well, I'm only human!" Believe me, I am very much aware of how human I am, and in this regard it is not a great character trait to own. I am tired of striving with God, and I want to get past these feelings of helplessness. Yes, I am helpless, but He is not! I need to rest on that truth rather than focus on my inabilities or the ineptitude (yes that's a word!) of others.

Wednesdays off have been a wonderful escape for me, more like a sigh of relief!  A time to just sit and let go of everything. Today was different, as I needed to go into Santa Fe to run a few errands, but it was a good day. I was awakened at 7 am by my cell phone ringing, first time, then immediately the persistent called tried again. Then a call from the same person came through my home phone.  I drifted back to sleep until my cell phone rang at 8:02 am, and as the first time, two consecutive calls,  then my house phone rang. Then the office phone began to ring. I guess sleeping in a bit wasn't in the plan, so I finally dragged myself up, but I resisted the effort to check my calls.  I am off today! The world can wait!

Sitting here with my Bible in my lap I asked God to please speak to me through His word, as I needed encouragement, something to let me know I was not alone. I said something about not knowing how 2 Samuel would speak personally to me, but I just put it out there to God, hoping for a response.  I wonder now if I really expected Him to speak. But He did. I picked up my Bible and began to read the My Daily Walk section which prefaces the daily reading. In my reading I'm at the chapter in the story where Saul and his sons are dead, his son Ishbosheth has been murdered, so David is at last taking his place as King of Israel. So My Daily Walk starts out:


"The motto 'Attempt great things for God, expect great things from God' would aptly summarize David's early years in office as king. He moved speedily to implement his godly convictions both politically and religioiusly, reversing the godless influences of King Saul. And though God would not permit him to fulfill his dream of building the Temple, he never discouraged David from attempting other great enterprises for him.

Building projects for God are costly. They demand vision, time, sacrifice, and organizations that touch millions of lives spiritually and physically - each began with a dream in the heart of a committed child of God.

Do you have a dream of how God might want to use you, your family, your church, your skills, or your resources to impact your world for him? If not, allow God to implant a dream for his glory; then dream it, plan it, pursue it, and - as God enables - achieve it!"


After reading that I cried, because I knew what He was saying to me in the author's words, and more clearly still as I began to read the scripture reading for today. David as a man of war was not allowed to build a Temple for God, yet God promised that David's dynasty would rule forever. We know that Jesus is in the lineage of David, so this promise was true. David accepted God's words humbly, and he went on to the business of being King. David was described as "the apple of God's eye," yet as the story unfolds in later chapters David will commit some pretty serious sins which are not hidden from God. God promises David that although he cannot build the temple, one of his sons will.  God already knew which son He had chosen, Solomon. At this point in the story Solomon had not been born, in fact David had not yet seen Bathsheba or begun this tale of woe. So this is at the beginning before all that went down. And God knew this from the get go, just like He knows everything! It's part of the plan, because He knows! He is Omniscient! Omnipresent!

The interesting thing to me is that David accepted what God said, so here he was at his castle with his two wives, and then scripture says he married more concubines, then it lists all the sons David produces from these wives. It came to mind that David might be trying to help God along by giving Him ample choices of which son to choose. Or so it seemed to me as I was reading it. So David had some trust issues as well. At least this is the thought that came to me. God really does not need our help, but we certainly need His.

God is a jealous God. He loves us so much that He wants to be first in our lives. He made it abundantly clear to me that when something happens, such as the things that are going on in my life now, that the natural thing is to try to find a way out. I panic!  I am being told that I am getting older, and that my job is going to either cause me to have a stroke or heart attack. And in recent days I have had some pretty disturbing symptoms. So what happens if the worst happens? I don't own a home, I rent. I don't have family here, so what will become of me?  You know, God has been taking care of me since I was left alone, and I have never doubted that He would take care of me all my life...until now. These thoughts are being fed into my mind that I am being irresponsible by not facing the facts, by not preparing for a future. But irregardless of what someone else may think, I do know what God has done for me, so why should I stop trusting Him now? My values are different. My needs are simple.

As God pointed out to me that when things go wrong we think we need someone to save us, instruct us, take us by the hand. In my case my choices of husband(s) didn't really help me. I realize He gives us friends to support us, but panic is not something that leads to an answer. Peace is the response I need. Peace comes from trust. God is very jealous, and in my case I know He does not want me to trust man, He wants me to trust Him. He does not need me to worry about what to do or not do, just trust. But I admit I see so clearly that I am not doing that. If I were I'd be calm. It wouldn't mean I don't care when stupidity happens, but my response to this must be one of truly relying on God.

He reminded me of years ago when I was once more left on my own, with nothing, starting over again. A time when I had no job, no money in the bank, and I had to make up my mind whether to move from the place I was living, and if so where would I go? I had been on a job interview, and God told me clearly the job was mine. But when the phone rang, and I was not the one chosen for this job, my heart sank to the deepest point of my life. Had I not heard correctly? What now! You said, God, and I believed You!! That Friday and the weekend following were difficult, soul searching days. Then Monday morning, as I am resigning myself to the fact that I need to pack my few belongings and drive off to who knows where, the phone rings. Yep, the job was mine! And that has been the beginning of the upswing I have had since that day. I cannot tell you how very blessed I have been, and how much He has done for me. My life has been beyond amazing, and I know that in spite of all that I "see" each day, and these growing pains with this new company, that He will see me through whatever I need to endure, then He will open the next door of this adventure on which I have been  embarking since He became my Husband.

I made a first step today with regards to the "blasted house."  In a few days I will take another step. First steps are important. Next week I have Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday off.  The following week I have Wednesday and Thursday as training days for a new program, then Friday I will be off. The training is something I was "volunteered" to do, but it's okay, because it is long overdue, plus it's an exciting possibility. I will have some time to make some steps, think, pray, and do.  I also need to plan a trip back to Virginia soon. So I have quite a bit to consider just from one simple prayer. I guess God wanted to really show me this morning how much He loved me. He also reminded me again that I have a dream. I'm not a King like David, but if this is God's plan, it will happen. After all He owns the cattle on a thousand hills.  Why, He owns the hills!

I thank God today and every day for giving me a vision that has spanned decades, and I praise Him for loving me enough to speak to me when I am so discouraged I cannot see the light. I must not grow weary in well doing. The vision included my children, and I know He'll bring them around. One already is on the way! He's laid hold to the promise. Now that's exciting. Tomorrow's another day, but thankfully I'll be out in the field and won't have much time in my office to think about anything other than what is already on my calendar. I pray I can keep my eyes on Him, on His promise, and not be sidetracked by opinions of others, who mean well, but who do not see what I see. I guess if a friend is a friend, then they'll understand my life is not my own.  And that's the way I like it!

Day 84 - Touch the Sky

 

Touch the Sky

by

United

What fortune lies beyond the stars
Those dazzling heights too vast to climb
I got so high to fall so far
But I found heaven as love swept low

My heart beating
My soul breathing
I found my life
When I laid it down
Upward falling
Spirit soaring
I touch the sky
When my knees hit the ground

What treasure waits within Your scars
The gift of freedom gold can't buy
I bought the world and sold my heart
You traded heaven to have me again

My heart beating
My soul breathing
I found my life
When I laid it down
Upward falling
Spirit soaring
I touch the sky
When my knees hit the ground

Find me here at your feet again
Everything I am
Reaching out
I surrender come sweep me up in
Your love again and my soul will dance on the
Wings of Forever

Find me here at your feet again
Everything I am
Reaching out
I surrender come sweep me up in
Your love again and my soul will dance on the
Wings of Forever

My heart beating
My soul breathing
I found my life
When I laid it down
Upward falling
Spirit soaring
I touch the sky
When my knees hit the ground

My heart beating
My soul breathing
I found my life
When I laid it down
Upward falling
Spirit soaring
I touch the sky
When my knees hit the ground

Find me here at your feet again
Everything I am
Reaching out
I surrender come sweep me up in
Your love again and my soul will dance on the
Wings of Forever

Upward falling
Spirit soaring
I touch the sky
When my knees hit the ground

Day 83 - At Last!

Have you ever experienced a computer program so slow that it took an hour and a half to do something you should be able to do in less than 30 minutes? Alas! That has been my day...and night.  I almost gave up hope, but then I managed to push on through, and I got the demands of the day completed...almost!  I set higher standards and goals for myself, but I decided enough was finally enough for one night! Besides which tomorrow is Wednesday, and I want to enjoy my day off!

I actually have plans tomorrow to go to Santa Fe.  I have some errands to run, appointments to make, and I had thought about going to the movie, but I don't think I'll do that...at least not tomorrow.  I have the weekend coming up mighty quickly, so I may just devote an afternoon to movies. Actually Saturday is the chile and salsa contest for the Soup Kitchen, a benefit I attend each year.  I get to sample all the yum yums, and a few that are not so yummy, but it's a great time of music, games, laughter, and seeing friends.  My two buddies have already planned to drag me out of the house if I don't come on my own. No problem for this event, as it's not only enjoyable, but it is for a cause near and dear to my heart.

Well I am a bit tired from two exhausting days at the zoo, so I think I am going to call it a night.  I hope your Wednesday is a day of unexpected blessings and new adventures, wild escapades, and just plan fun! I plan to enjoy my day off, so I hope whatever you do, you do it well!

Day 82 - Where Can I Go?

Every day when I wake up I try to make it a habit to say "This is the day the Lord has made. I WILL rejoice and be glad in it." And I mean it! Just today it was really, really hard to keep that in mind. I guess I majorly failed the test today! So for tonight at least all I can think about is:

Trying to locate a nice, clean image of the above took some doing. You would not believe the images you get when you look for something specific.  It is deplorable, and sometimes positively obscene. You'd think people would be more respectful, especially about themselves. Guess I still haven't grown past not understanding why people do what they do.

Anyway, for tonight I am grateful to God for living through the day, so I am one step closer to Wednesday and my day off.  Plus I have asked off a couple of days next week, so I will have longer to think about my life a bit more clearly.

Guess I'll go draw my bath....Calgon is calling me!

Day 81 (2) - Mr. Pip

Last night I watched a movie set in Papua New Guinea in the days of the conflict when soldiers murdered their own people - women, children, old men - in cold-blood, then hacked them up to feed to the pigs while the villagers watched in horror. One woman who has witnessed the killing of an innocent man, a white man who was known as "Mr. Pip," speaks up bravely calling the leader to accountability before God. She ended up being defiled by all the "soldiers" before being murdered and hacked up into pieces and fed to the pigs. Also martyred is a young, slow-witted child who says he saw the deed, so he, and his mother, are added to the menu.

After the "soldiers" leave the village the people bury their dead and kill and bury the mindless pigs who feasted savagely on the remains of the martyrs. Interesting movie. Not sure exactly what the point of it all was except to introduce Pip from Great Expectations, leaving us with this this thought:

 "Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain
upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts. I was better after I
had cried, than before - more sorry, more aware of my own ingratitude, more gentle."

Great Expectations
by
Charles Dickens 


"When they needed hope, he gave them Great Expectations."

Day 81 - Now is Good

 

“Our life is a series of moments. Let them all go. Moments. All gathering towards this one.” 

 Now is Good

I hardly write in my journal anymore. Blogging seems to take the place of writing down my thoughts in a more tangible way. But I do write snatches of words, phrases, my thoughts on bits of paper, in the margin of my Sudoku game book - wherever a scrap of paper is within reach. Just to get it down on paper so I won't forget - but I do forget - at least the passion of the moment is lost, so is the fire in the power of the words, the flow that comes effortlessly out, like a nosebleed, unstoppable unless it's cauterized. Life comes in and extinguishes the fame. The clock strikes the hour, and the thoughts must cease or otherwise be placed on hold until I am free to think again.

I have become robotic in my work, performing like a caged circus animal, rewarded if I elicit favor or the correct response, ostracized if I fail to perform to the high standards regardless of my physical, mental and emotional states - the loss of a loved one, news from home, medical test results - turn it off until the clock strikes 5 pm and I am free to think again, unless....! Unless all is not "tidied up" or completed within set guidelines. Once more to the whipping post you go - parties, feasting, games - while the birds pick the skin from the bones of the fallen ones - scavengers eagerly waiting.

I am becoming keenly aware of my approaching 65th birthday.  Each time I drive the 20 miles to pick up my mail, the small box is crammed full with propaganda from Medicare or supplemental plans offering  additional cover for only....!

Yesterday I had a brief escape into the fantasy world of my dreams - finding a soul mate no matter how distant or separated in time. I wrote about The Lake House, when the young man in the end was willing to traverse the two year time gap and meet her at the lake house. He waited, just as she asked. He felt she was worth the wait. They'd corresponded through the portal of time. It was destiny, or serendipity as if living in another dimension of time.  But then I awake from my momentary lapse of good sense and practicality of being lost the moment...Cinderella stories just don't happen for some of us, especially little ole ladies who need to wise up and move on, so I do.

I exist in my part of the world where no one cares enough to breach the distance, only superficial words, child's play, no depth, except in one way, but only one way.  A life of sugar plum fairies, Great Expectations  and Mr. Darcy, with walks along the beach are mere dreams of an aging spinster cast aside more than once, alone, owning nothing, worth little in the opinion of the world, but I am worth everything to Him.

The life I dream of for myself is one of moon lit nights, cabin by the lakes, enshrouded by trees on every side, encompassed by rocky mountain grandeur and snow capped peaks. So quiet, tranquil, lost in the arms of Your embrace, the Rhapsody playing softly in the stillness, lost to everything but You, as I slowly drift away to cross from this fleeting life into eternity.

"I Know You Care"

by
Ellie Goulding

Clinging to me
Like a last breath you would breathe
You were like home to me
I don't recognize the street

Please don't close your eyes
Don't know where to look without them
Outside the cars speed by
I never heard them until now

I know you care, I know it is always been there
But there is trouble ahead I can feel it
You are just saving yourself when you hide it
Yeah, I know you care
I see it in the way that you stare
As if there was trouble ahead, and you knew it
I'll be saving myself from the ruin
And I know you care

I use to run down the stairs, to the door 

And I thought you were there
To shape to the comfort of us
Two lovers loved out of love

Oh, but I know you care
I know it is always been there
But there is trouble ahead I can feel it
You are just saving yourself when you hide it
Yeah, I know you care
I see it in the way that you stare
As if there was trouble ahead, and you knew it
I'll be saving myself from the ruin

I know it wasn't always wrong
But I've never known a winter so cold
Now I don't want my hands in a coat
But I still hope
'Cause this is how things ought to have been
And I know the worst of it wasn't all that it seemed
Why can't I dream?
Do I care to dream?

'Cause I know you care
And I know you care
I know you care
I know you care
I know it's always been there

Day 80 - Happy Endings

This Never Happened Before

by Paul McCartney

I'm very sure
This never happened to me before
I met you and now I'm sure
This never happened before

Now I see
This is the way it's supposed to be
I met you and now I see
This is the way it should be

This is the way it should be for lovers
They shouldn't go it alone
It's not so good when you're on your own

So come to me
Now we can be what we wanna be
I love you and now I see
This is the way it should be
This is the way it should be

This is the way it should be for lovers
They shouldn't go it alone
It's not so good when you're on your own

I'm very sure
This never happened to me before
I met you and now I'm sure
This never happened before
 (This never happened)

This never happened before
(This never happened)
This never happened before
(This never happened before)

Oh how I love happy endings in movies! The Lake House is one of my all time favorites. Of course it involves something like time travel but then it doesn't. At least not in the same sense that Somewhere in Time does, plus the latter is set in the Romantic Age. 

Even the music scores from this one carry me away...Rachmaninoff Rhaspsody on a Theme of Paganini"...one of the most inspiring pieces of music I have ever heard. The entire movement is fast and compelling, but the ending lends more to the romantic ear, and it certainly was a grand selection for this movie. Just that brief selection chosen for the movie is well worth waiting for...then it continues tripping off to a spirited jaunt with an almost villainous quality of one escaping some crime only to be ensnared by the pursuer in the climactic ending. But then what do I know of music? But I do enjoy good soundtracks to movies. And, as you're finding out from my blogs, I like romantic movies with a hint of adventure. Who knows...maybe I watch too many old movies! But it's a nice way to spend a cloudy afternoon, dreaming of what things may be. Hope you're enjoying your Saturday and thanking God for moments like these!

Day 79 - Safe Way Back

 For he will command his angels concerning

you to guard you in all your ways

Psalm 91:11

All my life I have felt the hand of God's protection, and I have witnessed miracles as have my children. People want to discount the obvious, but a true miracle cannot be disqualified as mere "luck." Circumstances often arise without a warning, yet He sees, and He protects.

I see a bit more clearly as an adult as I have grown closer in my walk with Him. As a child it is just second nature to trust. Adults, sadly, are not as trusting. Each day presents opportunities to thank God for watching over us, but as we go about our too busy lives preoccupied with way too much "stuff," we simply do not take the time to see.  

As I recapped my day last night I was so tired I had to put off posting this blog until this morning. Going back over the events of yesterday, and mulling over in my mind things throughout my life, I know He gives His angels charge over me.  Unlike my younger son, I have not been given the gift of seeing our angelic friends, but I sense their presence.

Each day I put my life at risk as do my fellow team members when we travel into extremely rural areas, sparsely populated, away from cell service. The mountain pass from my home to Taos alone is deadly with overhanging rocks that can fall and crush you or knock you over the edge into the rapidly flowing river sight unseen until it is too late. The pass can be 15 miles of "scary," but it is the only path to certain destinations. Due to the extreme cold and freezing, then warmer days and excessive rain storms, the rocks have loosened, and their have been many accidents. My friend had a near miss of death as she traveled just the short distance from her home to mine. Fortunately only the car was totaled, and she was not injured. She said her life flashed before her eyes in those moments.

We go to visit people we do not know, in areas of extreme poverty. I've met some wonderful folks and kindred spirits in my travels here, there, and yonder. But the areas can hardly be described as "south of Oz and north of Shangri-La".  I've never been a fearful person when it comes to doing my work; this is my mission field, so I enjoy the travel and meeting new friends. But honestly it is a risk. A couple of years ago right here on the outskirts of town a kind neighbor decided to take a meal to his sick neighbor. Unfortunately his timing wasn't the best, and he was the victim also of a gang style execution. I was in the same area that day, so I could have easily been a victim.

Traveling long distances is tiring, so driving back yesterday, after a battling all week with sickness, I was really sleepy. I had several frightening encounters on the journey home, but I realize that God does watch over me, protecting my every move. I am so grateful to my El Shaddai, and I praise God for friends who pray for me daily asking for God's protection over my life and the lives of others.

Listen to how the Psalmist expresses the provision of our Lord so beautifully:

Psalm 91

Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High

will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,

my God, in whom I trust.”

Surely he will save you

from the fowler’s snare

and from the deadly pestilence.

He will cover you with his feathers,

and under his wings you will find refuge;

his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

You will not fear the terror of night,

nor the arrow that flies by day,

nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,

nor the plague that destroys at midday.

A thousand may fall at your side,

ten thousand at your right hand,

but it will not come near you.

You will only observe with your eyes

and see the punishment of the wicked.

If you say, “The Lord is my refuge,”

and you make the Most High your dwelling,

no harm will overtake you,

no disaster will come near your tent.

For he will command his angels concerning you

to guard you in all your ways;

they will lift you up in their hands,

so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.

You will tread on the lion and the cobra;

you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

“Because he loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him;

I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.

He will call on me, and I will answer him;

I will be with him in trouble,

I will deliver him and honor him.

With long life I will satisfy him

and show him my salvation.”

We take so many things for granted each day, so I hope you'll be moved, as I am, to thank God for watching over you and giving you so much more than words can convey plus a safe way back.

 

She's My Kind of Rain

 I love this song Tim McGraw sings about his wife.  It's a nice tribute to rainy days and moonlit nights.

"She's My Kind of Rain"

by Tim McGraw

She's my kind of rain
Like love in a drunken sky
She's confetti falling
Down all night

She sits quietly there
Like water in a jar
Says, "Baby why are you
Trembling like you are?"

So I wait and I try
I confess like a child

She's my kind of rain
Like love from a drunken sky
Confetti falling down all night
She's my kind of rain

She's the sun set shadows
She's like Rembrandt's light
She's the history
That's made at night

She's my lost companion
She's my dreaming tree
Together in this brief
Eternity

Summer days, winter snows
She's all things to behold

She's my kind of rain

 

 

Day 78 - Lollygagging

It's raining buckets outside, and it is so chilly. Interesting weather. Usually our monsoon season is in July, but I understand there are storms elsewhere, and we are getting the wet end of it. Still I love rainy days, curling up under a warm blanket, reading a book, or watching a sappy love story set back in the Victorian period of history.  Truth be told I love to dance in the rain, just like the two munchkins above. It's so refreshing at any age to just let go!

Imagine a summer picnic in the park when suddenly the storm clouds roll in, and the rain starts to pour! What do you do?  Do you run to seek cover, or do you dance?

I can really draw inspiration from this scene...catching that special moment and not letting go because of mere rain! It sets the scene for bigger, better things, don't you think?

 

Children are never inhibited by the freedom to drink it all in, or merrily puddle jump or lollygag! But then lollygagging can be time well spent, never wasted - a child experiencing the wonder.

We are all familiar with this scene of Gene Kelly, singing...just singing in the rain!  Makes you want to burst into song and rush outside and jump in every puddle and splash yourself silly. Ah the simple pleasures in life.  Are you taking the time to enjoy your day in the rain or not?  Every second counts so don't waste it. Dance! Dance! Dance!

Day 77 - Progress

I have spent a lovely day doing very little. I am still so extremely tired. Imagine what would happen if I actually retired!  I'd probably spend the first month catching up on sleep. Truth is I really don't sleep in I'm so used to getting up early. Still on these days I can take my time, and that is a relief for me. Or as Italians say, "Il dolce far niente"...the sweetness of doing nothing!

Leisure time can be spent in enjoyable past times, yet for me it is mostly a day of refection, capturing thoughts on paper. It's not a sad or worrisome time, rather it makes me appreciate every moment of life. I want to make the most of the time I have left in the life apportioned to me. I have endured some rather dismal times, but God has always brought a smile to my face and a lift to my spirit. I thank Him for taking such wonderful care of me and for preparing me for the unseen road ahead. I expectantly and eagerly await the days ahead, because He has promised me such wonderful things.

I was able to visit awhile on the phone with my son, and I look forward to the time I get to see him again. He holds on to the vision God has given him concerning a place to shelter, love, and help others get back up and stay up. In all my dreams I have always seen my children by my side, so it pleases me to hear compassion in his voice. In time...so we wait. He's had to pick himself up too, and although recovery is not the preferred path in life, nonetheless, it is progress. Imagine a world of impossible dreams coming true if we all decided to turn our past mistakes into opportunities to help one another grow.

But then it's my vision, my heart, and I praise God for each step closer I come to seeing it come to fruition.

Day 76 - Life Song

" When the Son of man returns...will He find faith."

Luke 18:8

In Luke 8 Jesus tells the story of the widow who goes before a judge who does not care what man or God thinks, a man who served only self. The widow goes before him many times requesting judgment against her adversaries, and because of this persistence the judge finally tires of this nagging old woman and grants her plea. Her persistence paid off!

Jesus used parables to teach the people about the Kingdom of God and the lifestyle of faith needed to stand against the wiles of satan and to press in and on trusting in God to do what is to man impossible. In Max Lucado's book, No Wonder They Call Him Savior, he writes: "We, like Thomas, find it hard to believe that God can do the very thing that He is best at; replacing death with life. Our infertile imaginations bear little hope that the impossible will occur. We then, like Thomas, let our dreams fall victim to doubt. We make the same mistake that Thomas made: we forget that 'impossible' is one of God's favorite words."

Each day we are faced with opportunities to praise God for His faithfulness to a world where the word "faith" becomes a cliche spoken to suggest that we have it all together because we label ourselves as Christians, followers of Christ, when that just is not so. Our purpose as Christians is to grow in His grace and mercy, drawing nigh to Him, learning His ways, growing in obedience, and being conformed not to the world, but to Christ Himself, who transforms our character so we can become like Him. 

As we desire to become more like Him our lives suddenly become a paradox as we come weak kneed before our Savior yet again doubting He can do what no one else can.  We become impatient, fearful, over-zealous with misplaced confidence, and waiting becomes too difficult when the results we expect do not come to us in the time we expect. We grow weary in well-doing, and we faint, or we decide to make it happen on our own. 

Rather than stand in prayer, waiting before the Lord, we begin to grumble and complain or criticize what others are either doing or not doing. We are a people who are tossed to and fro, listening to wrong counsel, desiring to listen to man's rather than God's voice. We become judgmental of fellow Christians who do not follow the flow, not understanding that everyone is not called to do a certain thing, or to serve in certain ministries. That each gift is unique and operates as part of the whole body. We each have our gifts and callings, but rather than allow each person to listen to God, we immediately feel betrayed as if we are the only one who does everything. Like Martha wanting Jesus to reprimand Mary for sitting around while she anxiously rushed around tending to everyone's needs. The Bible says Mary chose the better way, to sit at the feet of Jesus, obedient to His call on her life at that moment in time.

In 1 Samuel 13 Saul as the newly anointed King of Israel learned very well what it meant to rush ahead of God, not trusting His timetable. His impatience in not waiting on God lost him and his family the future God had destined for him. So it is with us. If you want to know how God feels about disobedience listen to the words of Samuel the prophet:

"What is more pleasing to the Lord: your burnt offerings

and sacrifices or your obedience to his voice? Listen!

 Obedience is better than sacrifice, and submission

is better than offering the fat of rams. Rebellion

is as sinful as witchcraft, and stubbornness

as bad as worshiping idols."

1 Samuel 15:22-23

God likens our disobedience as that of witchcraft,  of serving idols, as not trusting Him as the true and only King. We do it "our way" not caring to seek the Author and Finisher of our faith. We are all guilty of this sin of impatience, and yet if we humble ourselves, and boldly approach the throne of grace, He will hear us, see our hearts with eyes of compassion, and restore our lives.

My fear is that in my not wanting to fail God again I may not "see" or "hear" what He wants me to do. But fear is not of God, and it is the opposite of faith, when God clearly tells us that if we are truly seeking His will, we will find it. 

In the past few weeks I have been striving with God about things over which I have no control. If things effect my life it is not nearly as horrible to me as it is when innocent ones become victims of  apathy and neglect. Sometimes I think I care too deeply, as I become angry, and anger is not God's way, and it is not trust. He is the vindicator, not man. So until I learn this lesson, as with any other in life, I will find myself repeatedly being put to the test by the enemy who seeks to confuse me. Monday morning, the beginning of this week, began with peace in my heart, as I once more wait to see His righteous hand at work. Today as I devote my time to attuning my ear to the voice of God, things start to happen to steal my peace and rest. Yet, I alone am in control of what I allow in my life, so I made the choice to turn off all the voices and noise around me and focus only on what can uplift and strengthen my soul and spirit. I made a conscious choice of obedience, of trusting Him over man.

At the last Bible study in my home last Friday I asked my fellow ragamuffins and misfit toys to write what they wanted to be their "life song." What would it say? So in closing here is what I desire to be my life song:

Lord, I want to be found faithful when all around me seems hopeless and impossible. I want my life to be a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to You. I want You to be the air I breathe, rather than the stale air of conformity.

That I trusted You alone when my faith was put to the test or others judged me harshly for putting my faith and trust in what I could not see with my eyes or touch with my hands. That I continued to stand on the promises You spoke me regardless.

I pray that rather than the words that I speak, others see You in the life that I lead, and in turn put their trust in You to save them. That I clothed myself with garments of praise, showing love and compassion to those in need, offering hope in the message of the cross.

I want You to know that Your words are life to me, and I waited patiently, never rushing ahead of Your timetable for my life. I knew You were in control and that nothing could separate me from Your love.

I want You to know that if satan approached You as he did in the days of Job that You could say, "Consider my servant, Linda, who obeys my commands, who is righteous in all her ways." 

I want You to know that I knew You loved me and that You were more than enough. That You called me friend. I am Your beloved one, Your bride.

I want with all my heart to hear You say to me, "Enter in my good and faithful servant. I've been waiting for you."


I fall so short.

Life Song

by 

Casting Crowns

Empty hands held high
Such small sacrifice
If not joined with my life
I sing in vain tonight

May the words I say
And the things I do
Make my lifesong sing
Bring a smile to You

Let my lifesong sing to You
Let my lifesong sing to You
I want to sign Your name
To the end of this day
Knowing that my heart was true
Let my lifesong sing to You

Lord, I give my life
A living sacrifice
To reach a world in need
To be Your hands and feet

So may the words I say
And the things I do
Make my lifesong sing
Bring a smile to You

Let my lifesong sing to You
Let my lifesong sing to You
I want to sign Your name
To the end of this day
Knowing that my heart was true
Let my lifesong sing to You

Hallelujah, Hallelujah,
Let my lifesong sing to You
Hallelujah, Hallelujah,
Let my lifesong sing to You
Hallelujah, Hallelujah,
Let my lifesong sing to You

Let my lifesong sing to You
Let my lifesong sing to You
I want to sign Your name
To the end of this day
Knowing that my heart was true
Let my lifesong sing to You

Let my lifesong sing to You
Let my lifesong sing to You
I want to sign Your name
To the end of this day
Knowing that my heart was true
Let my lifesong sing to You

Day 75 - Are You, Are You....

This is the face of the revolution between good and evil, the bombed out and discarded districts against the capital. For all you Hunger Games fanatics I know you must be as eager as I am for Part 2 to come out in November. I love a well-written story, and a happy ending.  Hopefully, the movie will follow the true story line.  Only time will tell.

I love freedom fighters!  Makes no difference what venue, as long as there is a righteous cause of good overcoming evil, I am all for that. There's way too much darkness in this world, but we know that the greatest battle is soon to be!

I've never been afraid of speaking out for what I believed to be truth, a righteous cause! In fact because I am willing to speak up I was chosen to be in a committee not too long ago.  I believe in speaking truth in love, in honesty, in civility, and with respect. So I imagine if that is why I was chosen, it's a good thing. Only time will tell if it made a difference.

Today was a decent day, actually a very good day. Tomorrow is another day that promises to offer calm, and then it is Wednesday!  I am really enjoying these Wednesdays off.  I haven't really accomplished much more than resting, but decompressing takes rest. So thankful I made this decision.

Allergy season is upon us in force! I was quite ill this weekend with the pollen count unusually high in this area. This evening I am feeling a bit worn and tired from being choked up from whatever it is growing around here. Although allergies are no fun, the days bring promise of spring and new life. Birds singing, brooks babbling, wind chilling, warm, sunny afternoons.  I don't know if I'm ready for winter to leave us, but I guess I am overruled. I think there's something beautiful about each season. As much as I love snow and cold weather, I especially love autumn, but let's not get too nostalgic.

Time almost to cease from my daily labors and hit to sack! Hope your days are blessed and that you find wonder in the ordinariness of life! I leave you with a song by Katniss Everdeen, our Mockingjay!

The Hanging Tree

Are you, are you
Coming to the tree
Where they strung up a man they say murdered three
Strange things did happen here
No stranger would it be
If we met up at midnight in the hanging tree

Are you, are you
Coming to the tree
Where the dead man called out for his love to flee
Strange things did happen here
No stranger would it be
If we met up at midnight in the hanging tree

Are you, are you
Coming to the tree
Where I told you to run so we'd both be free
Strange things did happen here
No stranger would it be
If we met up at midnight in the hanging tree

Are you, are you 
Coming to the tree
Wearing a necklace of rope, side by side with me
Strange things did happen here
No stranger would it be
If we met up at midnight in the hanging tree

Day 74 - Part 2, Light the Candle

 

"What are you waiting for?" Have you ever heard these words spoken to you? "What are you afraid of?" is the next question? Good questions for a person "stuck" in a job they don't enjoy, that offers no rewards, no advancement to a cause. I'm speaking metaphorically...somewhat...so don't get the impression I am miserable, as I am certainly not. The work I do brings rewards in the joy of serving others, but then, I have spoken about these feelings many times. Rather, I want us all to think about what holds us back from taking a risk.

I am a dreamer, and God has given me larger than life visions about my life. In fact I become frightened at times as I puzzle over "why me?" and "how?" My creative mind spins with new ideas, stories, research topics, artistic endeavors, homes for misfit toys and ragamuffins. I don't know how it will all pan out, I only know He has birthed the vision in me. So what am I waiting for? Time actually is on my side. I will be 65 in August, and it could be the start of something new in my life. Even so....!

My older son, TJ, asked me once what I was afraid of.  I didn't think he thought much about me much less the plans for my life. Since leaving for college in 1992 our times together have grown fewer and fewer for more reasons than economics. I've had to pay many high prices in my life for the decisions I've made. I started to share some of his feelings with my readers once, but then, I thought perhaps it should remain private between the two of us. At least I know he loves me and thinks I am talented, gifted, and not afraid of being "me." I influenced his life for good, and in short, he knows I love him, and I know he loves me.

Thinking about the prospects of buying a home has caused me to vacillate between the pros and cons. One of my favorite movies is The Ghost and Mrs. Muir. When she first encounters this spirit he turns off the lights, blows out the candles. She makes some strong comments, sight unseen, of how he's a coward picking on a woman. Then we hear the words, "Light the candle." She responds by saying he'd only blow it out again, so he gruffly responds, "Light the blasted candle!" This morning as I was musing about a home I could almost hear God saying, "Buy the blasted house!" I laughed, but I do imagine He's grows weary of my indecision.

So going back to The Ragamuffin Gospel, Chapter 6 Grazie, Signore, I am thinking about the question "How shall we respond?" to God's outpouring of love by sacrificing himself, taking on the sin and reproach of the world. Perhaps it is better said by the author: "Jesus has journeyed to the far reaches of loneliness. In his broken body he has carried your sins and mine, every separation and loss, every heart broken, every wound of the spirit that refuses to close, all the riven experiences of men, women, and children across the bands of time."

First, when someone offers you a free gift, taking the initiative and issuing an invitation, what is the response? Acknowledge and respond. Don't think about it, take the offer.  If someone is handing you a $1000 bill do you look at it and say "I don't know?" Take the blasted gift! "Well, I don't know, there's bound to be a catch." God gives us wonderful gifts, and we squander them. What once gave us great joy, pride in the ability, now sits on the shelf, unused and disregarded as valuable.  We have lost the wonder of it all wasting time on things of lesser importance. Know this, once it's lost, it may be lost forever. And yet in God's great compassion for His children, He does offer us second chances, and third, fourth, and on and on.

Point in case. Growing up I used to tell my pediatrician that I wanted to speak Spanish and go where I could use it. Many years later as an adult I saw this doctor again, and he remembered what I had spoken to him. One person in hundreds he's seen over the years, and he remembers the words of a child? I call that pretty amazing.  Do you think God had anything to do with that memory? I don't believe in coincidences. I believe in destiny. So have I used the gift entrusted to me? When I was younger, as a teenager on the job after graduation from high school I assisted in some translation work for a brochure. Then in my mid-20's I translated documents for the General at Fort Lee. I even translated questions/responses between an emergency room doctor and a frightened young child who had been stung by a swarm of bees and was having an anaphylactic reaction. But then, over the course of many, many years, the gift was pushed aside, forsaken, until...! Until I began to use it when I started back working "on the medical side" of my personality. And a most remarkable thing occurred! Whereas I was not able to speak with the same confidence I once had, using perfect diction and sentence structure, I have been able to get my point across by asking the questions in an alternate fashion. Now that IS a God thing!

The second response we make to such a grand gesture as forgiveness through grace is to trust Him at His word. We are accepted as we are, filthy sins and all, "Come to me, all ye who labor and are heavy burdened, and I will give you rest." Trust, sight unseen.  Think about it, do you know anyone else who would be willing to do what He has done for you? Come on...what more proof do we need? Light the blasted candle! Forget the skeletons in the closet, the voices that remind you of all the bad stuff you've done, and the shadows of "what ifs" that crowd into your mind. Take a risk!  I say this to myself, take the risk, and as He said to me "Trust Me." Once more Brennan in The Ragamuffin Gospel makes the correlation, "There is an essential connection between experiencing God, loving God, and trusting God. You will trust God only as much as you love him. And you will love him to the extent you have touched him, rather that he has touched you."

Furthermore, he says, "Only love empowers the leap in trust, the courage to risk everything on Jesus, the readiness to move into the darkness guided only by a pillar of fire. Trust clings to the belief that whatever  happens in our lives is designed to teach us holiness. The love of Christ inspires trust to thank God for the nagging headache, the arthritis that is so painful, the spiritual darkness that envelops us; to say with Job, 'If we take happiness from God's hand, should we not take sorrow too?' (Job 2:10)

The third response is one of gratitude for God loving us so much that He sent Jesus to pay the price for our unworthiness. And how do we say "thank you" to One who already has it all? What does Jesus say to us in Matthew 25:40, "I tell you solemnly, insofar as you did this to one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did it to me." "Love one another as I have loved you." Simply stated...respect, reconciliation, friendship. Again I share with you, "The ministry of evangelization is an extraordinary opportunity of showing gratitude to Jesus by passing on his gospel of grace to others. However, the 'conversion by concussion' method with one sledge hammer blow of the Bible after another betrays a basic disrespect for the dignity of the other and is utterly alien to the gospel imperative to bear witness. To evangelize a person is to say to him or her: you, too, are loved by God in the Lord Jesus. And not only to say it but to really think it and relate it to the man or woman so they can sense it. This is what it means to announce the Good News. But that becomes possible only by offering the person your friendship, a friendship that is real, unselfish, without condescension, full of confidence, and profound esteem."

One invitation, three responses. Go ahead, "Light the blasted candle!"

Day 74 - Part 1, The Path

Continuing in my thoughts of yesterday...God offers us an invitation to the great wedding supper and the extraordinary opportunity to be part of His glorious kingdom. Jesus gives examples in parables of the call to reckless abandonment of seeking and finding the pearl of great price. With an outstretched hand He bids us come. Away from weariness of life, yet we put it off, wait another day, until the doctor shares the results of a biopsy, or war breaks out on foreign soil and our children are shipped away to fight for freedom. We are not promised tomorrow, or today, we live in the moment, so why is it so hard to accept such a priceless gift?!

I don't understand hesitancy. I never have really. When offered an opportunity to share in a wonderful adventure, I did. My dreams were often laughed at, and I was never encouraged due to my social status, my gender, my intellect, never good enough to realize all I could be, the potential to do great things afforded me by God. My life has been on the back burner of the wilderness, but my life hidden in Christ shows me He has entrusted me with so much.  I no longer want to wait, I want to fly! I want to soar with wings as eagles, I want to walk and not grow weary! I want to respond to His outstretched arms, embraced by His incomparable love. In His eyes I am worthy. In His eyes I am beautiful. In His eyes it is never too late.

"I want to entrust you with great wealth."

"You will be good for the people."

"Trust me. Your family will be okay."

"Teach my people to teach."

Many, many words spoken from His lips to my heart. He speaks to all who want to hear, and  His voice can be heard in different ways. Don't miss it. Listen to His words as He bids you come.

As I wrestle with dictates imposed on me by others I am keenly aware of what He tells me. As I struggle with loneliness and indecision, I hear His call and I obey. My life is His, and because He paid a price, so we have a price to pay. A price worth enduring any suffering in this world for the promise of the next life as part of His kingdom.

I waiver some days on whether what I hear is truly Him speaking, and yet I know His voice. What am I waiting for? Do I need to ask for the "fleece test" like Gideon? or do I risk everything to follow Him?

That's the question, isn't it?! The response is up to me.

Day 73 - Glimpses of Grace

While visiting with an elderly couple several years ago I witnessed something so remarkable, so inexpressibly lovely I was moved by emotion. The little lady could barely walk, standing from a seated position required extreme sacrifice. As we were talking with her son she visibly struggled to reach down to adjust her stockings and shoes. Her son didn't move, so I was about to stand to offer assistance when her wizened husband, who shuffled on pained legs, slowly, with great effort,kneeled at her feet, and with his gnarled, twisted fingers helped her adjust her stockings and buckle her shoes while she lovingly allowed him to do so. After several minutes, once finished, he looked up adoringly at her smiling face, and the beauty and power of the two made one caused me to gasp. I was so overcome with this moment in time when God allowed me to witness what true love was created to be. That memory will always remain indelibly etched in my mind and heart. Ageless, timeless love, an ethereal moment I was allowed to share.

Travelling through the pages of The Ragamuffin Gospel there is a story the author shares from another book, Mortal Lessons by Richard Selzer MD: 

"I stand by the bed where a young woman lies, her face postoperative, her mouth twisted in palsy, clownish. A tiny twig of the facial nerve, the one to the muscles of her mouth, has been severed. She will be thus from now on. The surgeon had followed with religious fervor the curve of her flesh; I promise you that. Nevertheless, to remove the tumor in her cheek, I had to cut that little nerve.

Her young husband is in the room. He stands on the opposite side of the bed and together they seem to dwell in the evening lamplight, isolated from me, private. Who are they, I ask myself, he and this wry mouth I have made, who gaze at and touch each other so generously, greedily? The young woman speaks.

'Will my mouth always be like this?' she asks.

'Yes,' I say, 'it will. It is because the nerve was cut.'

She nods and is silent. But the young man smiles. 'I like it,' he says, 'It's kind of cute.'

All at once I know who he is. I understand and I lower my gaze. One is not bold in an encounter with a god. Unmindful, he bends to kiss her crooked mouth and I am so close I can see how he twists his own lips to accommodate to hers, to show her that their kiss still works."

Each day we pass by, never blinking an eye, never truly seeing past the borders of our own narrow minds. As Easter approaches and we make our small Lenten sacrifices we forget the agony and loneliness Christ suffered on the cross. "Every form of sin and its consequences, sickness and disease of every kind, drug addiction, alcoholism, broken relationships, insecurity, hatred, lust, pride, envy, jealousy, cancer, bone disease, arthritis, and on and on were experienced and carried by 'a thing despised and rejected by men' (Isaiah 53:3) who knew the nadir (lowest point, rock bottom) of an agony such as no one has ever dreamed."  He did that for us, because He chose us from the beginning of time, we were "fashioned from the clay of the earth and the kiss of his mouth." 

To imagine love so wonderful, so unbelievable, so unimaginable, so incomprehensible defies expression. Yet He loves us so much.

I never have to explain my thoughts to Him, He knows. He doesn't walk away from me or chide me for things others misunderstand or lack interest in knowing. He is never too busy to turn His attentive ear to the cries of my heart's longings or wrap His arms around me so I don't feel so alone. He is the one I turn to when I just cannot give another ounce of my life blood or when someone is trying to exact another pound of flesh from my tattered heart or overburdened soul. He understands me, and each breath I take, each beat of my aching, lonely heart is reciprocated over and over again in His intimate knowledge of the pain I bear. Why? Because He died, bled, suffered the agony, shame, derision so I could live, so I can be free. He knows every thing about me, and He still loves me and bids me come to Him.

So thank You, Lord Jesus, for allowing me to see through the lives of others and my own seemingly insignificant life's toils, that beauty comes from ashes, joy from mourning. May my life song sing, may my joy ring, my love rise, and heart give testimony to the grace you have shown to one as unworthy as I, yet free to walk in the beauty of Your holiness.