Day 81 - Now is Good

 

“Our life is a series of moments. Let them all go. Moments. All gathering towards this one.” 

 Now is Good

I hardly write in my journal anymore. Blogging seems to take the place of writing down my thoughts in a more tangible way. But I do write snatches of words, phrases, my thoughts on bits of paper, in the margin of my Sudoku game book - wherever a scrap of paper is within reach. Just to get it down on paper so I won't forget - but I do forget - at least the passion of the moment is lost, so is the fire in the power of the words, the flow that comes effortlessly out, like a nosebleed, unstoppable unless it's cauterized. Life comes in and extinguishes the fame. The clock strikes the hour, and the thoughts must cease or otherwise be placed on hold until I am free to think again.

I have become robotic in my work, performing like a caged circus animal, rewarded if I elicit favor or the correct response, ostracized if I fail to perform to the high standards regardless of my physical, mental and emotional states - the loss of a loved one, news from home, medical test results - turn it off until the clock strikes 5 pm and I am free to think again, unless....! Unless all is not "tidied up" or completed within set guidelines. Once more to the whipping post you go - parties, feasting, games - while the birds pick the skin from the bones of the fallen ones - scavengers eagerly waiting.

I am becoming keenly aware of my approaching 65th birthday.  Each time I drive the 20 miles to pick up my mail, the small box is crammed full with propaganda from Medicare or supplemental plans offering  additional cover for only....!

Yesterday I had a brief escape into the fantasy world of my dreams - finding a soul mate no matter how distant or separated in time. I wrote about The Lake House, when the young man in the end was willing to traverse the two year time gap and meet her at the lake house. He waited, just as she asked. He felt she was worth the wait. They'd corresponded through the portal of time. It was destiny, or serendipity as if living in another dimension of time.  But then I awake from my momentary lapse of good sense and practicality of being lost the moment...Cinderella stories just don't happen for some of us, especially little ole ladies who need to wise up and move on, so I do.

I exist in my part of the world where no one cares enough to breach the distance, only superficial words, child's play, no depth, except in one way, but only one way.  A life of sugar plum fairies, Great Expectations  and Mr. Darcy, with walks along the beach are mere dreams of an aging spinster cast aside more than once, alone, owning nothing, worth little in the opinion of the world, but I am worth everything to Him.

The life I dream of for myself is one of moon lit nights, cabin by the lakes, enshrouded by trees on every side, encompassed by rocky mountain grandeur and snow capped peaks. So quiet, tranquil, lost in the arms of Your embrace, the Rhapsody playing softly in the stillness, lost to everything but You, as I slowly drift away to cross from this fleeting life into eternity.

"I Know You Care"

by
Ellie Goulding

Clinging to me
Like a last breath you would breathe
You were like home to me
I don't recognize the street

Please don't close your eyes
Don't know where to look without them
Outside the cars speed by
I never heard them until now

I know you care, I know it is always been there
But there is trouble ahead I can feel it
You are just saving yourself when you hide it
Yeah, I know you care
I see it in the way that you stare
As if there was trouble ahead, and you knew it
I'll be saving myself from the ruin
And I know you care

I use to run down the stairs, to the door 

And I thought you were there
To shape to the comfort of us
Two lovers loved out of love

Oh, but I know you care
I know it is always been there
But there is trouble ahead I can feel it
You are just saving yourself when you hide it
Yeah, I know you care
I see it in the way that you stare
As if there was trouble ahead, and you knew it
I'll be saving myself from the ruin

I know it wasn't always wrong
But I've never known a winter so cold
Now I don't want my hands in a coat
But I still hope
'Cause this is how things ought to have been
And I know the worst of it wasn't all that it seemed
Why can't I dream?
Do I care to dream?

'Cause I know you care
And I know you care
I know you care
I know you care
I know it's always been there