Words from the song play over and over in my head, "I am not alone... In the midst of great sorrow, I am pressing into You. Through the valley of the shadow, I will not fear." Each loss is personal, unique for you, understood by others, but not really. One can be empathetic, identifying but not the same. To sit in silence with those who have endured loss and the pain accompanying it is in itself a gift only one who has walked through the valley of the shadow of death can know. Yet God knows, and He alone can fully identify with the depth of despair in which you find yourself, groping in the darkness of "why?"
I have learned not to ask that question, because who can fathom the depth of His ways? I know one thing, everything has a purpose, a plan to bring honor and glory to God's kingdom. Do you think He wants to hurt you? Do you think He did not hear the cries of your heart over the years and watch as You crumbled and died a million deaths willing to take the place of the one suffering? Never for one minute ever doubt what you hear from God in secret, even if, what you heard is counter to what comes to pass. God is not a man that He should lie. And His arm is not shortened. He can do whatever pleases Him.
I have a portion of the scripture Luke 18:8 taped to my computer, "Will I find faith...?" God has always proven Himself faithful, so how can we not put aside the sack cloth and ashes and trust the results of our most ardent prayers of faith to Him? With regard to life I have reached a decision in my dark nights of the soul. We expect so much from God, and all He asks of us is our love. He wants us to acknowledge the price He paid to redeem us and to respond to his outstretched hand. He fully understands the price you have paid for the place you now find yourself.
Death is never easy to accept at any age, but the death of one's child is the most difficult to bear. I watch silently, in empathy, as I watched my friends walk through the storms of this battle, as raging waves of desperation threaten to overwhelm. After years of ups and downs, faith and doubt, victory and despair, the wait, the struggle, the battle is over. A kind of peace comes knowing your child is free, but in the days to come you discover that your peace is gone, and your soul is imprisoned in a grief the depth of which no man can bear. It crushes with every memory, every doubt that plays over and over in your mind. You are overcome with it, taking each moment that comes, step by step, but never free.
Never doubt what you heard in secret in the prayer closet of your heart. You have been given a unique gift for so many years, when with others the joy may have been brief. Nonetheless, life is a precious gift, but our children are not ours, they are His. He has always known this hour would come, so why you ask did He not entrust that knowledge to you? Do not doubt what you heard in secret, my friend. Did you live in denial? No, you did not...you heard correctly, and you were faithful when others weaker than yourself dared not hope. Their eyes were veiled to truth, so they could not see, but you did.
Life is a paradox of virtues. We walk on shifting sand rather than stand upon the Rock. We cannot grasp God's wisdom, so we turn aside in anger or refuse consolation feeling the awful sting of betrayal. "How could You?" we ask. "I trusted You!" we scream, when all around us is silence. Do not doubt what you heard in the secret chambers of your broken heart. In time you will see, and the pain, though never gone, will ease and fade, because you have glimpsed the higher purpose only God can reveal. I promise you He will always love you, never withdraw His presence from you, and you will meet your child again in glory where fear and suffering do not exist. I pray peace to you for today and all the tomorrows as you wait.
No comments:
Post a Comment