Another week of trying to trust God in the midst of chaos. It's not that I outwardly try to be disobedient in this call. Little things happen causing me to stumble, and I once more find that my response was not one of trusting Him. Most people wouldn't consider getting upset about a situation as not trusting God, but if there is no peace, and you're having chest pains, then where's the faith? And I will not rationalize it by saying "Well, I'm only human!" Believe me, I am very much aware of how human I am, and in this regard it is not a great character trait to own. I am tired of striving with God, and I want to get past these feelings of helplessness. Yes, I am helpless, but He is not! I need to rest on that truth rather than focus on my inabilities or the ineptitude (yes that's a word!) of others.
Wednesdays off have been a wonderful escape for me, more like a sigh of relief! A time to just sit and let go of everything. Today was different, as I needed to go into Santa Fe to run a few errands, but it was a good day. I was awakened at 7 am by my cell phone ringing, first time, then immediately the persistent called tried again. Then a call from the same person came through my home phone. I drifted back to sleep until my cell phone rang at 8:02 am, and as the first time, two consecutive calls, then my house phone rang. Then the office phone began to ring. I guess sleeping in a bit wasn't in the plan, so I finally dragged myself up, but I resisted the effort to check my calls. I am off today! The world can wait!
Sitting here with my Bible in my lap I asked God to please speak to me through His word, as I needed encouragement, something to let me know I was not alone. I said something about not knowing how 2 Samuel would speak personally to me, but I just put it out there to God, hoping for a response. I wonder now if I really expected Him to speak. But He did. I picked up my Bible and began to read the My Daily Walk section which prefaces the daily reading. In my reading I'm at the chapter in the story where Saul and his sons are dead, his son Ishbosheth has been murdered, so David is at last taking his place as King of Israel. So My Daily Walk starts out:
"The motto 'Attempt great things for God, expect great things from God' would aptly summarize David's early years in office as king. He moved speedily to implement his godly convictions both politically and religioiusly, reversing the godless influences of King Saul. And though God would not permit him to fulfill his dream of building the Temple, he never discouraged David from attempting other great enterprises for him.
Building projects for God are costly. They demand vision, time, sacrifice, and organizations that touch millions of lives spiritually and physically - each began with a dream in the heart of a committed child of God.
Do you have a dream of how God might want to use you, your family, your church, your skills, or your resources to impact your world for him? If not, allow God to implant a dream for his glory; then dream it, plan it, pursue it, and - as God enables - achieve it!"
After reading that I cried, because I knew what He was saying to me in the author's words, and more clearly still as I began to read the scripture reading for today. David as a man of war was not allowed to build a Temple for God, yet God promised that David's dynasty would rule forever. We know that Jesus is in the lineage of David, so this promise was true. David accepted God's words humbly, and he went on to the business of being King. David was described as "the apple of God's eye," yet as the story unfolds in later chapters David will commit some pretty serious sins which are not hidden from God. God promises David that although he cannot build the temple, one of his sons will. God already knew which son He had chosen, Solomon. At this point in the story Solomon had not been born, in fact David had not yet seen Bathsheba or begun this tale of woe. So this is at the beginning before all that went down. And God knew this from the get go, just like He knows everything! It's part of the plan, because He knows! He is Omniscient! Omnipresent!
The interesting thing to me is that David accepted what God said, so here he was at his castle with his two wives, and then scripture says he married more concubines, then it lists all the sons David produces from these wives. It came to mind that David might be trying to help God along by giving Him ample choices of which son to choose. Or so it seemed to me as I was reading it. So David had some trust issues as well. At least this is the thought that came to me. God really does not need our help, but we certainly need His.
God is a jealous God. He loves us so much that He wants to be first in our lives. He made it abundantly clear to me that when something happens, such as the things that are going on in my life now, that the natural thing is to try to find a way out. I panic! I am being told that I am getting older, and that my job is going to either cause me to have a stroke or heart attack. And in recent days I have had some pretty disturbing symptoms. So what happens if the worst happens? I don't own a home, I rent. I don't have family here, so what will become of me? You know, God has been taking care of me since I was left alone, and I have never doubted that He would take care of me all my life...until now. These thoughts are being fed into my mind that I am being irresponsible by not facing the facts, by not preparing for a future. But irregardless of what someone else may think, I do know what God has done for me, so why should I stop trusting Him now? My values are different. My needs are simple.
As God pointed out to me that when things go wrong we think we need someone to save us, instruct us, take us by the hand. In my case my choices of husband(s) didn't really help me. I realize He gives us friends to support us, but panic is not something that leads to an answer. Peace is the response I need. Peace comes from trust. God is very jealous, and in my case I know He does not want me to trust man, He wants me to trust Him. He does not need me to worry about what to do or not do, just trust. But I admit I see so clearly that I am not doing that. If I were I'd be calm. It wouldn't mean I don't care when stupidity happens, but my response to this must be one of truly relying on God.
He reminded me of years ago when I was once more left on my own, with nothing, starting over again. A time when I had no job, no money in the bank, and I had to make up my mind whether to move from the place I was living, and if so where would I go? I had been on a job interview, and God told me clearly the job was mine. But when the phone rang, and I was not the one chosen for this job, my heart sank to the deepest point of my life. Had I not heard correctly? What now! You said, God, and I believed You!! That Friday and the weekend following were difficult, soul searching days. Then Monday morning, as I am resigning myself to the fact that I need to pack my few belongings and drive off to who knows where, the phone rings. Yep, the job was mine! And that has been the beginning of the upswing I have had since that day. I cannot tell you how very blessed I have been, and how much He has done for me. My life has been beyond amazing, and I know that in spite of all that I "see" each day, and these growing pains with this new company, that He will see me through whatever I need to endure, then He will open the next door of this adventure on which I have been embarking since He became my Husband.
I made a first step today with regards to the "blasted house." In a few days I will take another step. First steps are important. Next week I have Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday off. The following week I have Wednesday and Thursday as training days for a new program, then Friday I will be off. The training is something I was "volunteered" to do, but it's okay, because it is long overdue, plus it's an exciting possibility. I will have some time to make some steps, think, pray, and do. I also need to plan a trip back to Virginia soon. So I have quite a bit to consider just from one simple prayer. I guess God wanted to really show me this morning how much He loved me. He also reminded me again that I have a dream. I'm not a King like David, but if this is God's plan, it will happen. After all He owns the cattle on a thousand hills. Why, He owns the hills!
I thank God today and every day for giving me a vision that has spanned decades, and I praise Him for loving me enough to speak to me when I am so discouraged I cannot see the light. I must not grow weary in well doing. The vision included my children, and I know He'll bring them around. One already is on the way! He's laid hold to the promise. Now that's exciting. Tomorrow's another day, but thankfully I'll be out in the field and won't have much time in my office to think about anything other than what is already on my calendar. I pray I can keep my eyes on Him, on His promise, and not be sidetracked by opinions of others, who mean well, but who do not see what I see. I guess if a friend is a friend, then they'll understand my life is not my own. And that's the way I like it!
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