"To be nobody but yourself in a world which
is doing its best day and night to make you
everybody else, means to fight the hardest
battle which any human being can fight,
and never stop fighting."
E. E. Cummings
My day did not turn out the way I initially planned. Today is the first time in a long time when I did not attend the soup kitchen benefit I look forward to each year. My buddies and I got sidetracked with other priorities and illness, so that was that. But I had an amazing day with Jesus, listening, learning, and trying to obey. I picked up another Brennan Manning book and listened to some of his retreat sermons. Both he and Rich are sorely missed, but I thank God for media that allows me to spend time with them.
Brennan asks "What does it mean to feel you are in a safe place?" Then she shared his journal entry,
"To feel safe is to stop living in my head and sink down into my heart and feel liked and accepted...not having to hide anymore and distract myself with books, television, movies, ice cream, shallow conversation...staying in the present moment and not escaping into the past or projecting into the future, alert and attentive to the now...feeling relaxed and not nervous or jittery...no need to impress or dazzle others or draw attention to myself...Unselfconscious, a new way of being with myself, a new way of being in the world...calm, unafraid, no anxiety about what's going to happen next...loved and valued...just being together as an end in itself."
To be free without any inhibitions, certain of who you are in a world that disagrees, disrespects, disavows. Or better yet I think I adequately shared my dream in an earlier post:
"There is a place where I can go and not feel alone. A place of wonder, beauty, laughter, acceptance and new beginnings. A place where trust and respect are not earned but granted freely. Where I can go without the guilt and shame of past regrets imprisoning me. To a place where I feel worthy, believed in, accepted for who I am, capable of accomplishing the impossible, helped when I am weak, forgiven when I am wrong. A place where I can forgive myself and others, realizing we are all fragile and capable of wrong thoughts and deeds, but where we can rise above anything on the wings of faith. To begin again, to be made brand new, with the strength of others, who are just like me, just like you. No longer alone, no longer excluded, living together in harmony, love and faith. Where the impossible dreams become possibilities and realities!"
"There is a place where I can go and not feel alone. A place of wonder, beauty, laughter, acceptance and new beginnings. A place where trust and respect are not earned but granted freely. Where I can go without the guilt and shame of past regrets imprisoning me. To a place where I feel worthy, believed in, accepted for who I am, capable of accomplishing the impossible, helped when I am weak, forgiven when I am wrong. A place where I can forgive myself and others, realizing we are all fragile and capable of wrong thoughts and deeds, but where we can rise above anything on the wings of faith. To begin again, to be made brand new, with the strength of others, who are just like me, just like you. No longer alone, no longer excluded, living together in harmony, love and faith. Where the impossible dreams become possibilities and realities!"
Learning to be a swinger of birches again, riding through the air on swings made of rope, climbing into the sky, laughing wildly, unashamedly and totally free! Brennan asked Rich one day, "Are you free?" to which Rich asked him, "What do you mean." "A free man wouldn't have to ask," responds Brennan.
My definition of "free" is knowing I am loved, and that no matter what happens or what I do, I am still loved. Even if I make my bed in hell, the scripture says, God will still love me! That's a pretty "in your face" promise. Many people don't grow up in a home where love, respect, companionship, laughter and a sense of belonging exist, so they may not grasp the concept of freedom, because they've probably lived their entire life or the majority of it, in a self-made prison they come to know as a "hiding place." I had one of those, and I still do. Maybe it's a necessary part of being totally free, not able to be hurt again by others who know not what they do, so to speak.
I believe that people who are seemingly depressed, who have become "lost" inside themselves, not responding to or interacting with others, lost in an empty stare, much like what's seen in an Alzheimer's patient, are in their "hiding places." It's like I know "the look" I see in their eyes as they glance off into space, oblivious to the words, touches, or actions of those around them. I also call it "tuning out" or "timing out." When my children were small we'd travel each year going across country, so it could get pretty noisy at times. That's when I'd tell them I was "tuning out," and I have learned how to do that even when I am working and need to focus all my attention or all my strength on completing a project. It's an acquired talent.
I also learned that when I was safely "timing out" that if something serious happened I was still aware of what was going on around me. I have always been a quick responder, as I used to be an EMT. I have gut reactions and instincts that have served me well in life. Still I do look forward to moments of "being." So this week I am taking three days off plus my weekend, and I am going to find a hiding place where I can be free for five glorious days!
Here's hoping you can find your definition of being free. I don't know about you, but I am a wee bit past allowing myself or others to keep me buried under guilt, shame, and condemnation. Thank goodness we have a God who has forgiven us, and who doesn't keep scores to see how many wrongs we do in a day.
My definition of "free" is knowing I am loved, and that no matter what happens or what I do, I am still loved. Even if I make my bed in hell, the scripture says, God will still love me! That's a pretty "in your face" promise. Many people don't grow up in a home where love, respect, companionship, laughter and a sense of belonging exist, so they may not grasp the concept of freedom, because they've probably lived their entire life or the majority of it, in a self-made prison they come to know as a "hiding place." I had one of those, and I still do. Maybe it's a necessary part of being totally free, not able to be hurt again by others who know not what they do, so to speak.
I believe that people who are seemingly depressed, who have become "lost" inside themselves, not responding to or interacting with others, lost in an empty stare, much like what's seen in an Alzheimer's patient, are in their "hiding places." It's like I know "the look" I see in their eyes as they glance off into space, oblivious to the words, touches, or actions of those around them. I also call it "tuning out" or "timing out." When my children were small we'd travel each year going across country, so it could get pretty noisy at times. That's when I'd tell them I was "tuning out," and I have learned how to do that even when I am working and need to focus all my attention or all my strength on completing a project. It's an acquired talent.
I also learned that when I was safely "timing out" that if something serious happened I was still aware of what was going on around me. I have always been a quick responder, as I used to be an EMT. I have gut reactions and instincts that have served me well in life. Still I do look forward to moments of "being." So this week I am taking three days off plus my weekend, and I am going to find a hiding place where I can be free for five glorious days!
Here's hoping you can find your definition of being free. I don't know about you, but I am a wee bit past allowing myself or others to keep me buried under guilt, shame, and condemnation. Thank goodness we have a God who has forgiven us, and who doesn't keep scores to see how many wrongs we do in a day.
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