Meandering

There are days that I sit in judgment of myself and allow the enemy's lies to infiltrate my mind and bring back all the wrongs I've committed or the ones he dreamed up to make me believe I have done. It fails me as to why I allow this ritual to continue. Why allow tormenting spirits into my mind. How do they continually gain access to so-called holy ground. What am I doing wrong? Or perhaps I am doing something right.

I know I am not the only one who struggles with memories, but I do know I am more transparent than others, because I feel that someone may need hope I can bring them by sharing. Otherwise my writing is only for myself, but that's not an entirely bad thing either. I believe knowledge is to be shared. It's the stuff of life.

As I was reading this morning, in the margin of my Bible were written the words: "I am a photon - a wavelength of light-passing through the world." It was written near the passage of scripture in Ephesians 5:8 "Live as children of light...and find out what pleases God." I probably wrote it, but maybe I read it. Regardless, it's true, and I hope the light that passes through me is the Spirit of God's love and light. He's the only important One.

Waiting is hard. In the pages of Isaiah I find assurance that I am not alone in my struggles. I also find notations from 2016 when this battle began, but rather than believe God is making me wait, drawing out this agony and abuse, I choose to believe He is allowing me to wait in expectation of His glory being revealed in a mighty way for His purpose in fulfilling the plans He has for me.

Isaiah 31:4-5 paints a clear picture of the God of Heaven's Armies who rescues His beloved. I paraphrased it just for myself, as the Word of God is personal to each of us: "Just as a strong young lion stands growling over his prey is not shaken by the shouts of shepherds, so the Lord will come down and fight for me! He will hover over me and protect me as a mother bird protects her young. He will defend and save me. He will pass over me and rescue me!"

Chapter 32 begins: "Look, a righteous king is coming!" Then it speaks of his rule as, "shelter from the wind...a refuge from the storm, like streams of water in the desert and the shadow of a great rock in a parched land. Then everyone who has eyes will be able to see the truth, and everyone who has ears will be able to hear it."

These are the promises for God's children. He is our defender and our peace. He who brings quietness and confidence when we trust Him. When our focus is on Him and not on horses, chariots, or influential men of this world. I hear people use this phrase about a person or situation, "He is my salvation." Even a job is considered as someone's salvation, because it gets them out of the house or pays a bill or otherwise meets a need. NO! There is only one Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, and God is the one who gives us the ability to meet our needs. Everything belongs to Him. Everything comes from Him. He is all that matters. Our focus should be on Him alone as the Author and Finisher of our faith.

I wrestle with this part as I do not want to misuse what God has gifted me. I have a compassionate heart, especially towards my children, because mothers want to "help," and we can so easily cross the boundary into enabling. My kids are survivors. They've had to be. Just as I have learned to be. But they are also generous to a fault. Just as I have been. So I don't always think I taught them well. We are told to be generous with what the Lord provides, and I have taken that literally all my life. When I give my daughter something I know full well it won't be there when I return, because she loves to bless other people. But it's more than that.

Today I read in Jesus Calling by Sarah Young "Ask my Spirit to live through you as you wend your way through this day. Hold my hand in joyful trust, for I never leave your side. The Light of My Presence is shining upon you. Brighten up the world by reflecting who I Am." The word "wend" caught my eye as I thought it was a typographical error, but as I considered the meaning I see it is appropriate to my life. To "wend" is to meander or follow a twisted, turning path to get to a certain place. I think this speaks of my life, as I certainly have not followed a path many would find enjoyable, but I am tenacious as my older son suggests. I am determined to take the road less traveled as I have mentioned in previous writings, because for me it is the only desirable journey. Has it been easy? No, certainly not! I would not have chosen it for myself, but that's the problem, I chose! In my youthful ignorance and inexperience I chose an alternate route. The important thing I have come to realize, however, is that God has been directing my life in spite of me! He never has taken His hand from me. And now, although it seems like my rescue will never come, He is in control.

I begin to dream, and a peace that surpasses all understanding comes, but soon...another tree falls to block the path, and I either stand "stuck" or I climb over the obstacle and continue on my way. I've been stuck way too many times, so finally getting to the place of pulling of my britches leg and climbing over is becoming easier. I still experience the chronic aches and pains of the experience, but I make it over to the other side and struggle on. But I am never alone. I think that's why the movie version of  The Shack speaks so loudly when God is telling Mack He never left Jesus' side when He was on the cross. The female character portraying God takes Mack by the hands as she is speaking these words, and he looks down and sees the scars of the nail wounds on God's wrists. He's with us through every challenge, every sadness, every struggle, bearing our pain. He already bore the pain, the agony, but He never suffered defeat. He won! He was victorious over the enemy and defeat! And He is the One who fights our battles. Jesus said, "It is finished!" So that settles it with me.

Cleansing, Calling, Commitment

In Chapter 6, verse 1 of the book of Isaiah he boldly states: "In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw also the Lord." Oswald Chambers makes note of the following: "Our soul's history with God is frequently the history of the 'passing of the hero.' Over and over again God has to remove our friends in order to bring Himself in their place, and that is where we faint and fail and get discouraged."

He's absolutely correct! Over the past five years alone I have experienced overwhelming losses in every area of my life, and I have felt so alone at times without family by my side. My mother's death was hard, my daddy's worse, the loss of beloved friends, and even death, shame and failure by divorce after 25 years of marriage continues to hurt beyond belief. The past two years have been the most life-defining for me as I continue to struggle against the power of evil trying to destroy my credibility and steal my peace. There are times that I succumb to the noise that pierces through my head, and I cry out for resolution, and I once more regress into the prison of depression and fear.

I don't know why things happen as they do other than to say I believe God uses all things for His good in accomplishing His purpose in our lives. I have prayed over and over to become like Jesus Christ who is humble in all ways. Repeatedly Abba brings me back to Matthew 5 and the Sermon on the Mount. I have come to realize just how must He must love me in spite of what happens to me. Why else would He speak to me daily, often in triplicate repeating what He wants me to hear for the day. And all He says to me is to focus on Him, to trust Him, and I fail so miserably. One who has done such amazing things for me and through me for others.
 

My daughter and I were recounting the amazing deeds God has accomplished in my life over the years since my divorce. I had given up my dreams for my family, moved away from my home to come to New Mexico in obedience as a wife, and help my children acclimate to a new culture. But, little did I know that my life then, that was so different from the one I felt called by God to do, would be re-directed to what He had called me to do. Although I may not be a neurosurgeon on the mission fields I have walked through the damaged minds of countless precious people including my own and have an understanding and compassion few ever realize. I may not have made it....YET...to the mission field other than Belize one summer, but I travel daily and touch lives for Christ. New Mexico has become my home and my mission field just as all backyards should be throughout the world. I may not have amassed wealth or own a home, but I am wealthy beyond comprehension in the people I am privileged to know, serve, and bless. God always restores, so as my daughter so correctly put it, I am never without.

One of the greatest challenges I have had to face has been in trying to help my son buy his home in Virginia. After years of struggle, horrible tragedy - some of his own choosing, he is at peace, and his life has taken a new turn. He is healing in spirit, soul, and mind. I feel in time his body will heal also. He still has a long road to travel, but he is at peace in my parents' home. This home is very special to him, because he know that Jesus made a physical appearance twice. Once for my mother and once to me. This house has witnessed sad times, even cruelty, yet Jesus came Himself to give comfort on two occasions. He cares that much! My son aches to visibly see Jesus, and this may not happen this side of heaven, but He is very present in our lives daily if we only take the time to "see" and "listen" and "be".  In his book My Utmost for His Highest Oswald Chambers says "Character determines revelation. Before I can say 'I saw also the Lord,' there must be something corresponding to God in my character."

Over the past three weeks I have been struggling again, because as God chooses to speak to me in triplicate, satan seems to strike the same way...to the point of pushing my nose into the dirt from every direction. Being alone becomes so abjectly alone to me, and I cry out for an end, for resolution, for a new life. Although there are times of silence, I know my Abba is always with me. I may not tangibly see or feel His Presence, but I know. And when He speaks to me through varied media and methods my heart is stirred again, and He picks me up, and I dare to go on.

Max Lucado's wonderful read, No Wonder They Call Him the Savior, recounts the message of the song written by Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel called "The Boxer" about a man who was ready to give up and go home until he sees before him a fighter. The lyrics go:

"In the clearing stands a boxer and a fighter by his trade,

and he carries a reminder of every blow that laid him down

or cut him till he cried out in his anger and his shame -  

'I am leaving, I am leaving!' but the fighter still remains."

This message came to me as I was crying out to God to speak to me...just speak to me and tell me what to do! In desperation I cried, and He answered. As I read on, in the next few paragraphs Max asks: "Are you close to quitting? Please don't do it. Are you discouraged as a parent? Hang in there. Are you weary with doing good. Do just a little more. Are you pessimistic about your job? Roll up your sleeves and go at it again. No communication in your marriage? Give it one more shot. Can't resist temptation? Accept God's forgiveness and go one more round. Is your day framed with sorrow and disappointment? Are your tomorrows turning into nevers? Is hope a forgotten word?"

The tears fell in torrents at that time, and through blurred vision I read..."Remember, a finisher is not one with no wounds or weariness. Quite to the contrary, he, like the boxer, is scarred and bloody. Mother Teresa is credited with saying, 'God didn't call us to be successful, just faithful.' The fighter, like our Master, is pierced and full of pain. He, like Paul, may even be found and beaten. But he remains. The Land of Promise, says Jesus, awaits those who endure (Matthew 10:22)."

It's time like these when I realize how desperately I fail Abba Father when I fail to see Him in these overwhelming situations that batter my already tired brain, and I fail to trust Him which is all He has asked of me. But dwelling on failures only aids discouragement so I choose to focus on the incredible gift of "vision" and "clarity" He has once more gifted me, and I choose to not give up and quit. I will see this battle through. After all it is not "my" battle, but His.

So, for anyone who is reading today, struggling under a heavy load, don't be afraid to ask for help. A friend once told me I was too transparent in expressing my needs, but I believe this is necessary, especially for those who follow Christ. How else can we be credible testimonies of His glory in our lives? So, take a chance and share. There's no condemnation in Christ. We can encourage and uplift one another.

The MOST important thing for me and you to remember is this:

"In all the world there is none but thee, my God,

there is none but thee."

My Utmost for His Highest

Oswald Chambers 

Dear Jesus - Day 1

The day is quietly slipping away as I sit in Your Presence. Early mornings are our best times together as I seek direction for the day. I'm learning not to hurry our times together. I need your guidance more with each passing day as the enemy tries to turn my peace into fear. I rely on Your strength to remain in control as each day presents new and impossible demands. I need to discipline my life and set boundaries, so I can get get the rest and refreshment you have for me. I need to truly trust you and not simply mouth the words. Praise needs to continually be on my lips.

Forgive me when I think Your arm's too short, and when I become ensnared by the lies and deceptions, listening to people rather than keep my focus trained on You. I know better. You have shown me Your faithfulness throughout the difficult journey of my life. Thank You for loving me, for holding my hand when I was alone and afraid, for allowing me to sit in Your lap and rest in Your grace.

As the day begins to close, and our time together slips into rest and sleep, speak to me in my dreams and prepare me for the upcoming day's challenges. Keep my mind transfixed on Your Divine Presence and Your purpose for my life. Thank You for our day together, Father. For the quiet confidence and strength to endure. Good night.

His Grace

I have times when the ache in my heart to be in the presence of my Abba Father is so overwhelming that I have to shut myself off from all distractions and wait. This may sound strange to you coming from my heart to yours, but some will understand. My day begins with quiet times with the Lord, otherwise I don't think I could handle the day. Even if I grab only one word, one verse and follow with the first prayers of the day. From the time my eyes open I am breathing His grace. It is so natural to me to begin to talk to Him as if He's right beside me, because He is. Then carry on into the day with conversations as naturally as if He was working right beside me or riding down the road with me, because He is. His presence is my life is that natural, and yet there are times when I long for so much more. I cry out to Him with every breath I take, because I need to know He's here with me, otherwise I could not endure. Do you ever feel like that?

I needed more of Him this morning so much so that I needed to listen to the words of like-minded friends. Each one of us is called to a different place, and I needed to be in that place this morning. I listened eagerly to the words of the scriptures and the depth of meaning I needed to embrace for my soul, and new life was breathed into me. But, I needed more. As much as I love the hymns I learned as a child, there is a place I go to hear worship and highest praise that comes from the soul of His people. So, I listened, I sang, praised, worshiped and poured out my tears at His feet, and I felt His embrace. Jesus. There is no Name like His.

Sometimes I miss my connection with my family, although I have a wonderful, extended family whom I love so much. My network of Christian family extends worldwide, and I feel the love and prayers carrying me. It's a beautiful feeling to be part of the body of Christ and understand the importance and value of that relationship.

It saddens me to think that my children are scattered, and yet Abba Father has promised me this will change in time. I must admit I grow anxious in my waiting, as I long to see these precious ones united in one place serving our Lord together. I have a vision, and I know it will be realized. He promised, and my trust for my children is certain.

Trusting Abba for myself is much harder. I think I do, then I see I don't in small ways. No one is perfect in trusting. We try, but it is a process. I feel as if I am not hearing correctly or failing to "do" something, when all I need to do is "be." It will all fall into place.... He promised. So, as I listened to the words of one of my favorite praise and worship songs by Hillsong United, "Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)," the words washed over me:

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders; 

let me walk upon the waters, wherever You may lead me."

As I listened I felt His love surround me, and I knew I had to let go, just let go of these feelings of "never amounting to anything" that echoed in my memory. I don't have to strive to "be" anyone other than the one He called me to be. I don't have to figure it out. He already has. So what if my life has taken another path. I'm still on His path. He's never left my side. Whatever happens will happen, and it will bring Him glory, because that is all I want to do. I want to honor Him. These moments of light and understanding were confirmed so graciously by another praise and worship song by Hillsong called "Heartbeats:"

"I want You, need You
I love You Jesus
My heart beats forever
Just to know You
Let go and throw
My future into Your hands"

then another called "Scandal of Grace:"

"Oh to be like You
Give all I have just to know You
Jesus, there's no one besides You
Forever the hope in my heart"

 Simple, powerful lyrics extolling the glory of a loving Abba Father.

When I miss church services particularly on a Sunday morning I immediately feel guilty, but I have no reason to feel so. Guilt and condemnation are not from God. I don't "miss church," because I live church each day. I need these quiet times apart to listen, to sit in His lap, and bask in His glory, goodness and grace. I need more than anyone else can offer. I need to go into my tent and have His glory hover over me, and we can talk face to face. I never want my conversations to be commonplace, and yet I want always to talk friend to friend, as Moses. I am His child, and He loves me. He loves me!

I want all I can have of Jesus in my life. No one else compares. So I invite you, if you don't know His Presence, seek Him. Taste and see. He always satisfies.

Peace

It's been awhile since I shared my thoughts. I am just now becoming "Linda" again, as I am encouraged daily by the presence of Jesus. My trial by fire has been raging since March 2016, and with each increasing challenge I was falling prey to the enemy's plan to steal my peace. I found myself living with a superficial smile and calm during the day, while succumbing to the depth of depression and despair after the close of the business day. I have cried buckets of tears, but they were never unnoticed, rather Holy Spirit collected each tear to redeem. Slowly by shutting out the "voices" and cacophony of noise and negativity coming from within and without, and by receiving the daily feeding of God's word and encouragement from those who have steadfastly stood and prayed for my recovery, I am now once more focused on who I am in Christ, and nothing else really matters. Storms may come, and the arrows may fall, but they do not touch me. All I can say is that for the past few weeks I have been truly living in the peace that surpasses ALL understanding promised to us by a loving Abba Father.

For now I continue to wait, work, and pray for daily guidance. I know God has a plan for my life, and I am content knowing that the battle is His, and He will bring me through.

I hope this gives you comfort, encouragement, and hope in the midst of your struggles. Whatever you go through, remember God loves YOU!  I can say with assurance that His promises are true. So hang on to faith, hope, and trust in the One who never leaves you or forsakes you! That's a promise!

A Little Crazy

"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
Chili Davis

When I was I kid there were a few things I loved to do to while away the minutes or to escape difficult places of the heart. I have always been an adventuresome person so following railroad tracks deep in the woods and climbing trees in wait for hobos to disembark the train, as my mama warned would happen, was a risk I dared to take. Since I loved to be outdoors I loved to go bike riding and roller skating to escape the confines of my heart. Coloring has always been a way to soothe my frustrations and drawing or writing so my imagination could be released on paper! When I consider it now I realize that I really haven't changed that much. My child still lurks within.

Creative people are generally pretty sensitive beings. Being poetic in nature and dauntless in spirit present a dangerous pair. Riddle it with compassion and humility and it takes another twist in the plot of how life pans out in the end. I'm learning that I love color, vibrant and melodious at the same time, the unspoken love songs ripple across the skies and all creation.

I've made mention before that I am a dreamer, and I have set high hopes for the things that I want to do or feel called to do with the life that remains. I've been reading my Chicken Soup for the Soul Guided Journal again. Today my activity was to Color Your Feelings. I was given words with boxes, and I had to color each one box the color expressed by the feelings I was experiencing. I found that as I colored each box, there was a mixture of feelings within the feeling except for one.  So, let me explain my boxes:

The original box for "Focused" I colored a lime green which I later bordered with a deeper green. I figured that I needed a strong boundary drawn around my perimeters to ensure I remained focused. The next one was "Empowered," and I colored a rich deep blue in that box with shades of deeper blue for energy. "Joyous" was not a problem as there was no contest...it had to be bright yellow, bursting with life. Next, "Calm" I colored a maroon red, as I did not have a brighter pencil, but the idea is color radiates and enlivens bringing tranquillity. "Inspired" was colored purple, then I added a little empowerment or blue spikes. "Hopeful" was another shade of blue, more subdued in color than "Empowered" with bits of "Focused" and "Calm" splattered around the edges.

The less optimistic of feelings were more difficult for me, as I have not totally succumb to these feelings. "Nervous" I colored half and half with an orange-yellow and the other half brown. The idea was that whereas my Joy was being stolen it could not be completely ripped away. The brown was just a deeper shade of the orange-yellow. I imagine I could have added the remaining bits of "Calm" to indicate that my peace was in jeopardy but not completed stolen. Then "Depressed," a feeling I understand. This should have been colored a cacophony of blends of feelings, but I simply chose gray with black borders and spikes. I think the colors speak for themselves, obviously. Although there's definitely a struggle to give in, the color never darkens to black.

The last feeling is "Apathetic," and although I am challenged to give sway to this feeling all the time, the truth is that I never can. To become apathetic one would become uncaring, and this simply is not who I am. I care deeply about everything. I colored it a pale shade of brownish-yellow with some gray along one corner. I imagine I colored it like that to indicate feelings of wilted joy with depression could lead to a state of apathy if allowed to remain in one's heart. I hope I never cross that color line.

So you get the idea of feelings and color? I thought it was an interesting exercise that helped me to see where my perspective on things rests today. I'm glad I'm not a solid color sort of character, that my life has sparks of boldness and creativity. And the thing I liked about the idea is that I find my life has purpose and life. So many people succumb to the dark areas of there lives, when we should always reach out to embrace the color.

I was explaining yesterday to someone that in my personal research I have found the power in bright colors and brain stimulation. Colors that are bright and alive like the sun bursting through clouds of impending storms offering the promise of fairer weather on the horizon. Using our eyes as pilots to steer us through the darkness of the storm into the colors of day cause us to break through with laughter and smiles into hope. Hope then leads to a joyous arrival on the other side. Making it through safely to the light of a new day of hope.

It's just an exercise, but it makes sense to consider the possibilities in impossibilities. At least I think so, but then I am the dreamer of crazy ideas!  Ideas that just may bear fruit for the day!

The Battle Continues

Today I am feeling the heartache of betrayal once more. It seems to be a daily event these days. This one cut a bit more deeply, as my one consistent support was ripped away yesterday afternoon. This past year has been devastating for me as I have stood alone in a battle of which I never asked to be a part. The stand has cost me everything.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but I still will not waver in my belief that God is in control. I may not see His hand at work, or understand why things happen and continue to change, but I do know in my heart, as broken as it is, that my God loves me, and whatever happens He will be with me.

Many friends I care about have felt the sharp pangs of betrayal, and I imagine it is only the beginning as the time approaches for the return of our Lord. This has been prophesied, and our only security is in our relationship with Jesus. I find myself thinking about Job in the Bible, and the things he endured. The length of time he suffered is not really clear, but what is clear is that he never gave up. There were times of weakness when he cried out to God wondering why, but he never took his wife's negative stand, and he didn't let  his so-called friends get the best of him. As it turns out God asks Job to pray for his accusers. He also firmly asked Job who he was to question Him.

I cannot begin to understand the whys and wherefores of this present place I am in, but I have to believe that I will become a stronger person, more like my Jesus, who truly gave everything to stand in our place and die so we could live.

My elderly friend's husband died this week on the second anniversary of the passing of their daughter. This couple met in high school and had a fairy tale marriage up until a few years ago when age and circumstances began to force a change. Now my dear friend has lost her soul mate, and she wants so much to join him. She feels she has nothing left to give. I told her I could not begin to imagine how she must feel, as I never had that kind of a relationship, and now I never can. That's because their marriage spanned a lifetime, til death do us part. That's a beautiful legacy of love few ever truly share. What a blessing in a time of intense loss and sorrow.

All around us is discord and malcontent in one way or another. The answer for most is more money to fix things, but money is not the answer to the world's problems any more than possessions we have acquired. The answer for the problems, the heartache and disappointments is Jesus. I posted a song recently written by John Lennon called Imagine, about a world where there was no war or famine or sadness, people living together in harmony. The lyrics are idyllic and peaceful. They sound like my idea of heaven:

"Imagine"

Imagine there's no heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today... Aha-ah...

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion, too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace... You...

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world... You...

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one 

 

 

I'm a dreamer, so I understand the concept of the song written from the heart of a man who wanted only peace in his life. That's not any different than any of us dreamers really. I dream of a life where people care about each other, support, and help others. Someone to put their arm around a friend and just be there. It's not that hard, but it requires time, and we have all grown so jealous of our time. We hold onto it, because we are barely living life now. We waste more time than live it as we are engaged in the relentless pursuit of making ends meet. Families do not know each other, husbands and wives never have a moment just to be a couple. Something needs to change, and this is what I am trying to do with my life. I guess that threatens the enemy, although I cannot understand why he bothers with someone so insignificant as me. It doesn't really matter, as regardless of what he does or doesn't do, I will not back down. I believe in heaven on earth, and one day I will see it.