"I know the thoughts that I think toward you,"
says the Lord,
"thoughts of peace and not of evil,
to give you a future and a hope."
- Jeremiah 29:11 (NKJV)
Reading the promises of God is what gives me courage in times of weakness, strength to continue in spite of hardships or continuous trials. It seems I missed some things while I was raising my family...important things. Things happened that can not be reconciled from a human standpoint. Sometimes I wonder if I slept part of my life and missed portions of it, as I have recollections but no clear picture. I have been asking myself "where was I?" I asked this same question to my son, Why didn't I know?" "Where was I?" To which he said, "surviving."
The answer I am sure is in my journals. I poured my heart, soul, dreams into my journals, my letters to God, prayers for my family. I still journal. It seems silly at times, because I write to God who is right there with me, as I talk to Him all the time. Sometimes there doesn't seem to be a distinction between our conversations and my prayers. Some people have a blue tooth stuck in their ear always on their phones, but I am tuned into God. Guess it appears strange to people who are driving by or walking past, but I am pretty oblivious to what is happening around me when I am lost in thought and prayer. But things I am hearing and seeing, things I read in lyrics or hear in songs, see on faces...heart cries of anguish, disbelief that God hears and cares, are becoming deafening, often without a word being spoken. If the ones who are put in our lives to protect us cannot hear above the noise or see what is there before them, however covered up, what is the point?!
For most of my life I was so ill that it became "normal", especially the daily migraine headaches. My daddy would take me to all kinds of doctors which put a strain on the family budget since we were not well to do. It took many surgeries, tests, years of chronic pain, most of my adulthood spanning greater than five decades to begin to put my physical body and health back together again. In all that time God was faithful. I worked to help support the family, or myself once I was alone, and during my working years I never missed a day of work or was otherwise inactive that I recalled. I had to go on, regardless of how much pain I felt or how little sleep I had. I was, and I am , a survivor by the grace of God alone.
I have visited the island of shattered dreams in my own life, and daily I think about what it is I need to do now, to pick up those pieces and re-connect the dreams. During my survival mode I passed up opportunities dropped into my lap, not recognizing the gift at the time, because I was too occupied with getting through the day, my self-esteem plastered to the floor. This week I learned of stolen dreams, those ripped apart by the thoughtless acts, unsolicited comments, or malicious words of another. I hadn't recognized this personality, this side of satan's well conceived plan, not this intimately. We've spoken of words, and how they murder, maim, otherwise cripple or paralyze us. Once the damage is done it is next to impossible to overcome the hurt, the debasement, and eventually the defilement of our self worth. I have fallen prey to so much of that in my life, and I have witnessed it, and still to this day I see it used against the people I hold most dear. And it infuriates me that satan thinks he can continue to take away the dreams we have been given by our loving Savior.
God shared something with me about this again this morning. He said there is a difference between shattering and merely fracturing. He reminded me of my medical training and practical applications we see in everyday life, shattered versus cracked glass. You know the saying, "being blown to hell?" Well, this is what we are talking about in the spiritual sense of the words. As I thought about the depth of his message to me, a storm raged within me against the enemy. I get so tired of his manipulations in my life, but do NOT mess with my family, my friends. Do NOT go there satan! God quietly reminded that whereas satan is the father of lies, He is the Author and Finisher of our faith. And whereas satan is the one who comes to steal, kill and destroy, He has come to bring life and not only that but life "abundantly."
Satan can only stir up strife, try to make us doubt, make us feel less than we are, but we do NOT have to believe his lies. I have a dear friend who is always reminding me of what God says about me. And she is so right! Things happen in life, tragedy, death, things we do not understand that make us doubt God's goodness, His very presence in our lives, but do not allow yourself to wander to that realm. We see through a glass darkly, the Bible says. I recently shared with a friend about a tragedy in her life, one that she relives daily, that what we see as the end of dreams or the taking of a life is often the saving of a life. We either choose to trust God or live in defeat. We look beyond the lies.
I have spent the majority of my life trying to overcome a defeated life, but as I live longer, grow stronger in my faith and personal walk with Jesus daily, I begin to truly see, perhaps vaguely, but I see, I believe, I trust, I "know". Do not listen to the lies of the enemy, grab the hand of the Bearer of Truth, and never look back, only forward!
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