Continuing On....

I’m forever telling people that age is irrelevant, only a number without relevance to the call God has placed on your life or in accomplishing things you feel compelled to do, often the same thing. Yet, I am always telling God that I’m too old to be any value to Him. I fall back into the trap of days when I was discouraged from doing anything I felt drawn to do. Still, to this day I may dream, but I never launch out into the deep.

My older son said one of my strengths was “tenacity.”  Strange, as I seem to give up on myself most of the time. Funny how those closest to you perceive your abilities and strengths in a different light. When asked my strengths I only see weaknesses. Perhaps my weakness is a strength, because God can use it.

I wanted to go bike riding today, but I think my short excursion yesterday worked against me in this healing process. I enjoy getting outdoors, enjoying the stillness in these mountains, even when the attack ducks don’t get enough bread crumbs and rebelliously nip at my ankles. So it goes with thinking spots, there’s always someone or something trying to best you.

Rather than chance a ride or even fight the exuberance of the ducks – talk about tenacity! – I decided to watch The Ragamuffin movie again which is about the life of Rich Mullins. I never tire of this movie, especially not his transparency, his simple trust, and his overwhelming desire to be a true man of God. I hope I’ll be able to share it with my younger Ragamuffin one day, and perhaps the older one as well. I have quite a family of ragamuffins, as each is radically Christ’s even when they stray away. I love my children, and I miss them. That’s okay because one day we’ll all be together again. I know this, because God said so.

I understand what it means to feel alone with a deep inner longing that cannot be filled even when surrounded by people.  I know what it is like to be “different,” a true black sheep, who aches to know you’re loved, yet not quite believing it could be true after the words are spoken. Interesting how I can take so many risks with my life, but I won’t risk choosing the house with the white picket fence. 

St Francis of Assisi said, “God calls every man but not every man responds.” I know this truth very well, as I am a witness to the vast exchange of knowledge and talents in my little corner of the world, and I make every effort to encourage their response while denying my own.  I think it’s so scary to start over, and I should know as I have done it more times than I can remember. And here I am thinking about the prospects of doing it all over again. I guess age isn’t a respecter of persons in this regard.

I feel like I’m on a retreat with Brennan Manning, but I only brought one book, one with tattered and wrinkled pages from falling asleep in the tub reading. Perhaps the notes written in the margins and sides of each page will prove helpful to another hurting soul, another burned out ragamuffin. That’s it, you know….I am burned out, and I need change.

Suddenly I feel so tired, and I feel like lying down and taking a nap, but I know if I don’t finish this thought it will be lost. Writing it down doesn’t work unless inspiration is present. At least for me that is. I’m here to work through issues, paradoxes in my life, and to find peace. The time seems to be going by go quickly, and I have so much need.  Time for a cookie break!

I wonder what it means “to feel at home” with a person? I wish I knew that feeling. Here we are back at the white picket fence.

In examining Rich’s life in this movie I see how insecure he was even when surrounded by those he loved and considered “family.” He could never please his dad who told him, “Everything you touch ends up busted.” I know that feeling as well, except mine always came with the words, “You’re too” this or that. Parents and other authority figures can sure mess up an impressionable child’s mind when they are not cautious with their words. Words bring life or death, and I have had more than my share of death words. But what we choose to make of it is where the success or failure come. Memories can be less than beneficial and not quite trustworthy, so I prefer trusting what is trustworthy, tried and true. That’s the Word of the Lord, tenets to which I cling.

There’s something else I’ve been chewing on this afternoon – Rich said “…never assume that if it cost Him His life it won’t cost you yours.” He’s right, but I gladly lay mine down in obedience to His will. That is the only thing I know I want in this life. I want to live my life for Him, doing all in His timing. I don’t want to try to “help” God again. I want to be so certain of my trust that regardless of how long the answer takes, I know it will be in His timing, not in my procrastination.

Perhaps setting tasks, daily goals, is a means to an end. It certainly helps me in accomplishing top priorities which often are small in comparison to others, yet important. My goal for this evening is to get the rest I avoid so this pain will not keep me up. It’s a small concession to pay for achieving optimal health both physically and spiritually.