The past few weeks I have been slowly separating myself from communicating with anyone outside of my work, so I could focus on hearing God's voice rather than the opinions of others. Sometimes I get so lonely for someone to understand me that I tend to lean more on the words of a friend, than those of my Father. He wants me to have trustworthy friends, and relationships are vital if we are to survive in this crazy world. Yet I can become too dependent on the thoughts or advice of others, needing more and more encouragement but feeling less secure and even more distanced.
For me I have always had many friends, but only a few really know who I am or understand...in part... what drives me. Even so sometimes I have to step away and wait for the answer to come from on high. I have been in a room of giggling, exuberant people of all ages and walks in life, or in a room filled with others professing to know Christ, yet I feel so alone. We share a common bond, the most important one, but I am alone, waiting.
God asked me over two years ago to trust Him, and it is the only answer I seem to get from Him now, except to gaze at a vision that has existed for close to 40 years. I have mentioned it before, and although there are times when I think it may possibly happen, at this moment it seems so very far removed. I so badly want to grasp something tangibly, and feel that there is a measure of happiness in this life for me.
In my practical mind I exist very simply, so grateful for the many blessings God has given, and I marvel at the wonderful lives others live, contented and thriving in love and all the good things in life. My idea of "good things" is often different from those of others, because I tend to view things from a different perspective. I so badly want a home to call my own, and I even want someone to share my dreams, yet...yet! When I take the side road view, dreaming for a bit, it seems that the same voice speaks softly in my ears..."Jesus did not have a place to lay His head." I know my life is one of service to others, but I just desire one little plot of land, hidden away, isolated from everything where I can be quiet and "be." For now it is a rented home, somewhat distanced from others, but it is a prison more than an abode.
Realizing that, still I am not unhappy or disquieted, but I am becoming more and more aware of withdrawing from life, and sometimes I seem so powerless to do anything about it. It's just a fact of life. Reading Job isn't much fun in the midst of my contemplation, but there are words of wisdom within the diatribes of Job's "friends" and "comforters," and in those of Job. Sometimes I wonder why God allowed the conversations to go on so long, and yet, I don't even know how many days these verbals missiles were actually being launched against him. One thing's for certain, it was long enough, and then God had His say!
So for now those of you who wonder where I am or if I am well, please know that I am still here, still breathing, waiting...!
No comments:
Post a Comment