Sunday, May 10, 2015

Day 128 – Still A.S.K…ing!



... Elliot Quotes, God Things, Dreams, Christian Quotes, Dr. Who, Lord God

Today is Friday, and the reality of having to return to work on Monday is beginning to drag me down. I am beginning to wonder if going away really helps me. I enjoy the peace of not having to “do” anything if I don’t want, but yet there is so much I want and need to do to bring order to my life. Making endless lists may be helpful in some cases, but I need action. Dreaming of what could be if I was willing to take a risk really doesn’t ease my mind at all. I need to come face to face with the question that preoccupies my thoughts…”Lord, what do you want me to do?”

This question alone is the driving force behind my life. The reason I live. Yet, in truth, if I am meant to be who He wants me to be I need to focus on Him, listen to His voice, and wait in trust. He also wants us to live life with reckless abandon, unafraid of tomorrow. This is not a license to go against the law or to disobey parents, rather, it is to have a life so abandoned to His love, so trusting of His ways, so ready to act that others view it as impractical, poorly advised, or otherwise, simply because they do not understand.

Do people consider the life of Sister Teresa reckless? After all she devoted her life to help care for the needs of diseased people. Yet, she was awarded the Nobel Peace prize. Others in life were misunderstood, like Rich Mullins. I’m sure many wondered how he could prefer to live on a Navajo Reservation than in a fine home, driving a fancy car, doing whatever he wanted to do. But he knew what he was doing. Reckless abandonment for the love of Jesus.

My life is dedicated to helping and serving others. Although I have other interests, talents, and although I long to have a home of my own and someone who truly loves me and understands my reckless faith, I shy away, because it seems so unattainable to me, so undeserved. I want to be free to go wherever God calls me to go, yet I feel so compromised.

My older son was remarking on our mutual artistic talents, and he said, “You're creative…very creative. Sadly, much like myself you squandered much of it and didn't go on to use it much.” The same can be said of my younger son as well. These gifts are meant to be used. They are meant to bless the world, yet there is this “self-deprecation” as my older son calls it, that I surrender myself. I rationalize it by thinking, “What possible help could this be to anyone, as so and so is so much more talented than I.” I look at my work, and I find flaws when “flaws” can be beautiful and self-defining. Hopefully, at last I can begin to put aside my feelings in this regard by focusing on one thing at a time.

I went away to hide from all the opposition in my life. I needed to hear and understand how to proceed. Do I stay? Do I go? Do I change? Do I persevere in spite of the fact that I am dying slowly each day? “What do You want from me, Lord?” As I write I hear “obedience.” I want to obey; I thought I was obeying, trusting, keeping my focus not on what I can’t do, but what I can do. I know I am killing myself by not allowing myself a life. Really, what does “having a life” really mean?  This question poses an array of other questions.

The one thing I do know that troubles me most I have already set a plan in motion. When pushed I do react, but the work, or at least the beginning steps, I have placed in someone else’s ball park. I cannot go forward until he goes forward. Then this issue, I sincerely hope, will become a moot point, and I will be able to continue on to the other pressing concerns. The interesting thing is that I never thought about these “pressing concerns” before my father’s death or the introduction of other things. I lived simply, and all I concerned myself about was living day by day.

Whenever I force myself to sit down and write out the trappings of my mind, it becomes overwhelming. I wonder if I can get a job as a “vision writer?” It seems that I can see potential in people, places, and instantly I “see” the whole picture played out in my brain. It can be disconcerting at times, as these “visions” are no small matter. I often wonder how God can handle all the vision He has for each of His people placed strategically across the globe. He chooses the foolish to confound the wise.

So where do I go from this point on? Sitting here making lists isn’t helping. Not having the internet to further consume my efforts does not help. So what is helping?

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