Today is Friday, and the reality of having to return to work
on Monday is beginning to drag me down. I am beginning to wonder if going away
really helps me. I enjoy the peace of not having to “do” anything if I don’t
want, but yet there is so much I want and need to do to bring order to my life.
Making endless lists may be helpful in some cases, but I need action. Dreaming
of what could be if I was willing to take a risk really doesn’t ease my mind at
all. I need to come face to face with the question that preoccupies my
thoughts…”Lord, what do you want me to do?”
This question alone is the driving force behind my life. The
reason I live. Yet, in truth, if I am meant to be who He wants me to be I need
to focus on Him, listen to His voice, and wait in trust. He also wants us to
live life with reckless abandon, unafraid of tomorrow. This is not a license to
go against the law or to disobey parents, rather, it is to have a life so
abandoned to His love, so trusting of His ways, so ready to act that others
view it as impractical, poorly advised, or otherwise, simply because they do
not understand.
Do people consider the life of Sister Teresa reckless? After
all she devoted her life to help care for the needs of diseased people. Yet,
she was awarded the Nobel Peace prize. Others in life were misunderstood, like
Rich Mullins. I’m sure many wondered how he could prefer to live on a Navajo
Reservation than in a fine home, driving a fancy car, doing whatever he wanted
to do. But he knew what he was doing. Reckless abandonment for the love of
Jesus.
My life is dedicated to helping and serving others. Although
I have other interests, talents, and although I long to have a home of my own
and someone who truly loves me and understands my reckless faith, I shy away,
because it seems so unattainable to me, so undeserved. I want to be free to go
wherever God calls me to go, yet I feel so compromised.
My older son was remarking on our mutual artistic talents,
and he said, “You're creative…very creative. Sadly, much like myself you
squandered much of it and didn't go on to use it much.” The same can be said of
my younger son as well. These gifts are meant to be used. They are meant to
bless the world, yet there is this “self-deprecation” as my older son calls it,
that I surrender myself. I rationalize it by thinking, “What possible help
could this be to anyone, as so and so is so much more talented than I.” I look
at my work, and I find flaws when “flaws” can be beautiful and self-defining.
Hopefully, at last I can begin to put aside my feelings in this regard by
focusing on one thing at a time.
I went away to hide from all the opposition in my life. I needed
to hear and understand how to proceed. Do I stay? Do I go? Do I change? Do I
persevere in spite of the fact that I am dying slowly each day? “What do You
want from me, Lord?” As I write I hear “obedience.” I want to obey; I thought I
was obeying, trusting, keeping my focus not on what I can’t do, but what I can
do. I know I am killing myself by not allowing myself a life. Really, what does
“having a life” really mean? This
question poses an array of other questions.
The one thing I do know that troubles me most I have already set a plan in motion. When pushed I do react, but the work, or at least the
beginning steps, I have placed in someone else’s ball park. I cannot go forward
until he goes forward. Then this issue, I sincerely hope, will become a moot
point, and I will be able to continue on to the other pressing concerns. The
interesting thing is that I never thought about these “pressing concerns”
before my father’s death or the introduction of other things. I lived simply,
and all I concerned myself about was living day by day.
Whenever I force myself to sit down and write out the
trappings of my mind, it becomes overwhelming. I wonder if I can get a job as a
“vision writer?” It seems that I can see potential in people, places, and
instantly I “see” the whole picture played out in my brain. It can be
disconcerting at times, as these “visions” are no small matter. I often wonder
how God can handle all the vision He has for each of His people placed
strategically across the globe. He chooses the foolish to confound the wise.
So where do I go from this point on? Sitting here making
lists isn’t helping. Not having the internet to further consume my efforts does
not help. So what is helping?
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