Lay It Down

Wise choices will watch over you. Understanding will keep you safe.

Proverbs 2:11

Recently I admitted to a friend that I have trust issues. I am very trustful, even when I sense the insincerity of another person, my compassion allows me to be hurt repeatedly in some areas of my life, because would Jesus do any less? I am told to be concerned only for myself, what's best for me, what makes "me" happy. Well, my heart and faith do not work that way. Jesus said to turn the other cheek, but I've been turning it so many times my face is numb, and the other "cheeks" are a bit worse for the wear also. Only so many times you can be kicked and get back up. Still, recognizing in my mortal flesh that I grow weary of well doing, I still hear His voice saying, "trust Me," and I see how He looks adoringly at the people He wants me to reach as His hands and feet.

It is increasingly challenging to continue to try to make people understand that I do not "roll" like they do, and that I am not making another bad choice. That is their perception of making their own choices. My calling is quite the opposite of most, and while they may have someone to tangibly stand beside them, I do not. Not tangibly, but spiritually, yes. Pardon me for saying this, but Lord, I really need to hear your "louder than words" voice, so much so that I could not possibly miss it. And Father, I don't care who else hears it, as I am desperate for YOU, for YOUR peace, for YOUR direction. I know very well I am not Your puppet dangling on the ends of puppet strings. I boldly approach Your throne of grace to obtain mercy and strength for this time of need. There is nothing a man can say to me apart from what I know is Your voice through another. And I know I will recognize it when it comes wrapped in humility.

Lord, I don't want a caped crusader or a man of iron, I need Your divine intervention. I need to see the angel suddenly appear and say to me, "From the first day you prayed, God heard you, and He sent me to answer, but I was fighting against the Prince of Darkness on your behalf, breaking through the enemy's battle lines."

Just for today, just for this moment, I put aside all the puzzling, screaming, taffy pulling thoughts clouding my vision, distorting my view, and making me angry. I do NOT want to be angry. All I want, all I need, is truth. I will forgive, I will stand, I will hope, I will keep on believing, because You alone are trustworthy. Help me lay it down so I can heal.